


My light

by bassnotbass



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-05-27 22:31:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 53,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6302767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bassnotbass/pseuds/bassnotbass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader finds herself in the middle of a hunt. What happens when the only color she sees comes from a certain angel?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Such summary. Much eloquent. Very inform.
> 
> For those of you who have read my Descent story, thank you! I'm sorry I haven't updated but I'm horribly stuck on how to continue the story. I hope to figure it out soon. 
> 
> As far as this one I meant it to be a one shot semi short story but as all things I mean to do it didn't turn out like that. It's so much longer than I meant it to be. Guess thats just the Sagittarius in me. *sigh*. Some cursing is in this one and I almost wrote smut but I chickened out and just made it fluffy. (Don't hate me!) Anyway this came about from tumblr and the fact that Cas needs some love too! Hope you enjoy!

*Beep beep beep beep*

You groan aloud, blindly smacking your nightstand in search of the alarm. In your feeble attempt to find it you manage to knock it off the nightstand without hitting snooze. You crack an eye open to see where it landed. Determined to not get out of bed you stretch out your upper body onto the floor and finally hit it to stop the constant high pitch wailing. Sighing in relief you relax, almost falling asleep again only to have the second alarm start in its annoyingly chipper tune. In a fit of rage you roll the rest of your body off the bed, pull the alarm out of the wall and throw it in some direction of your room. From the sound of something falling you assume it hit a picture. Grabbing a corner of your blanket you pull it to the floor on top of you. Warm and sighing happily you manage to fall asleep again briefly only to hear that constant beeping again. 'Will this thing ever die?!' You finally get up and find the alarm. Taking the batteries out, you grumpily drop it back on the floor. Standing there wrapped in your blanket you spend a moment to silently hate that you're on your feet which means you have to do stuff now. Like get ready for work. Groaning you make your way to the bathroom with only the thought of coffee to keep you going.

Grabbing your coffee you stare out the window willing the coffee to hurry up and jump start your body. 'Ah mornings with your wonderful grays accented with lighter and darker grays'.

Being colorblind wasn't too bad. There were times where it caused some embarassing moments growing up. Well still as an adult if you were honest with yourself. There was one day where you decided to pick out your own makeup without anybody else and apparently walked into work with a kaleidoscope of colors on your face. Sarah, your coworker, quickly pulled you into the bathroom and fixed it for you. You've learned that some colors give off darker gray tone than others and more often than not can guess the color. Well maybe like 60% of the time but hey its still 'more often than not'. 

But what people don't know is that you can see colors. On them. You had tried telling the doctor that when you were younger but he dismissed it. When you insisted and tried to describe what you saw you fell short. How was you supposed to describe a color when you had nothing to compare it against? Now you just didn't tell people. You had tried researching what you saw and the best you could come up with was auras. But it wasn't the same. It seems auras were around the person or like a halo. You saw colors in the middle of their chest. Everyone had a few. You quickly learned the outside color was quick to change whenever they were emotional. The inner color stayed the same no matter what. There was almost always another color swirled into the middle. Not a lot on most but sometimes it was half and half. You just figured it was their inner good and bad. You often wondered if the colors that you see in people were the same as they see in the world. Hell you wondered if you had matched these colors with the name of the color correctly.

Sighing you look at the time and realize you only had 45 mins til your shift at the diner started. It took a good 30 mins just to drive to work. You weren't sure if you would like this town at first. Your mom had died when you were 17, leaving just you and your dad. You guys were ok at first, always having been closer to your mom conversation was hard but you guys had powered through. But slowly your dad begun to change. He met some woman and stayed out late, often coming home drunk. You met her once. She was pretty but you were pissed that at the time she was only 5 years older than you. I mean your dad was in his mid-forties. He never abused you. But he never talked to you anymore either. Hell you were lucky to see him twice a month. By your 18th birthday, your dad had handed you a stack of cash and a deed to a cabin in no man's land and told you that you had a week to get out. You lived in Seattle then. So being used to the city you loaded your old truck down with what you had and moved to some secluded little town in Colorado. Your little cabin. It was a shock at first. A small town with a handful of shops and grocery stores with an hour drive to the nearest city. The cabin apparently was your grandfathers from your mother's side. It was a little worse for the wear and took some getting used to but it was your home now. You had ran into a guy named Jeff your first day here who had helped you fix the cabin. He also gave you your job at the diner. Jeff was a little gruff and didn't say much. But his soul color was light, maybe yellow or orange so you figured he was a good man. Most of the townspeople were good. There were a few with a half and half soul color usually tinted with a purple or maybe blue but they seemed ok. 

Work was like any other day. Well except for Sarah getting food poisoning and Jeff asking if you could cover her night shift. You knew you were going to regret it but you agreed anyway. After everything Jeff had done for you, you just couldn't say no. He had let you leave at 1 so that you could go home and get some rest. Sarah's shift started at 8pm until 2am when you closed. The diner was only closed for 3 hours. The gas station was the only store in this town open 24 hours. Your little town was the only stop between two cities and you got many people passing through at odd hours. But over time this little town began to grow on you. Other than the drive in you started to like being secluded. It was peaceful, almost all the time. The people who lived here were kind but with so few, everyone knew everyone's business. Every month they set up a day where they closed early and all came to the diner to socialize and eat good food. Jeff actually seemed to enjoy those days.

After your morning shift you went back home to rest. Unfortunately you weren't tired. Grabbing a hot mug and a bag of your favorite tea you grabbed an oversized hoodie and sat on your porch. Drinking your tea you let your eyes fall closed and just listened to the wind ruffle through the leaves. Fall was in full swing and it was times like this you wished that you weren't colorblind. The way people talked about fall, it sounded beautiful. You did end up falling asleep for a bit out there. You woke with a start by howling somewhat close to you. Grabbing your mug you head inside and grabbed your phone.

'Four missed calls. That's weird.' All the calls were from the diner. You looked at the time and you still had an hour til your night shift. You tried calling the diner but no one was picking up. So you tried calling Sarah and she wasn't picking up either. 'Maybe the diner was really busy or something.' It was rare but it did happen. You grab your keys, checked your hair, and quickly left. The whole drive over you kept calling the diner. With each call ended, dread set further into you. There was a dead zone on the way to work and you pushed down the gas to get through it quicker. 'Oh god I hope everything is ok. Please let everything be ok.' Part of your brain told you that you were overreacting and you hoped it was true. But you couldn't shake the uneasy feeling in your stomach.

You finally got into town and it was eerily quiet. 'Where in the hell is everyone?' You make your way down the main street and took a left to get to the diner. As soon as you turned you saw it. Cop cars were parked around the diner with red tape keeping out everyone. Everyone in town was standing on the other side of the street. Some were talking to the cops, others were hugging and crying.  
You throw your truck in park and slowly get out. You saw Marilyn, the gas station owners wife, start to come to you but a cop got to you first.

"Ma'am this is a crime scene."

You looked at the guy, from the looks of his styled hair and name brand sunglasses the cops were from the next city over. "I can see that. I work here. What happened?"

Marilyn grabbed you away from the cop and started sobbing into your hair. Uneasily, you hugged her back. "Marilyn what happened?"

"Y/N, he's dead. Jeff's dead. They found him by the dumpster out back."

Marilyn was still talking when you ran. The cop or someone yelled at you but you didn't stop. The only thing that mattered was getting to Jeff. When you rounded the building you saw him. Jeff was laying at an unnatural angle. His ribcage was sticking outward and there was just a hole. Nothing was left inside. Frantically you look all around his body for any evidence of color, knowing you wouldn't find any. 'Oh god Jeff, no, oh god.' 

Someone stepped into your line of sight and grabbed you. "Miss you can't be here."

You grabbed onto his elbows and buried your face into his jacket. "His color is gone", you sobbed, "Jeff's dead. I can't see his color."

"What? What color?"

"His color it's not there." Then it hits you, you just talked about something you swore you'd never tell anyone. You look up, higher than you thought you needed to. Expressive eyes, long hair, tall, and in a freaking suit. You look back down at eye level. Black, gold, blue. 'What the hell?' You have never seen those colors together on anyone. You let go of him quickly and took a step back.

"Miss what color?" he asked getting impatient.

"The color of his face, he's sallow".

The man in the suit was fixing to say something else when someone walked up. You assumed it was his partner because of the matching suits. "Did you find anything?"

You looked at this man. 'Who are these people?' This one looked a bit older. Seems like lighter hair, large eyes, commanding stance, and bow legs?

"No nothing yet. Miss how do you know the victim?"

Same black, gold, and blue. Both of these men had the same color. The older one's color was a bit more bright. You stopped staring when you saw him look down to see if anything was on his chest.

"My boss, he was my grandpa's friend."

The younger one wrote it down in a notebook. "And how long have you been here?" 

You shook your head, "I'm sorry. I can't do this right now."

"Of course. I'll give you my card. I will have to speak with you, but it can wait."

"Everyone knows where I live. I'll be home." You turn away and get into your truck and make the long drive home. You kept seeing Jeff lying there on the ground. Maybe you weren't close like friends. You kind of thought of him as a distance father figure. More so than your real one. Walking into your home you climb on the kitchen counter and grab the bottle of jack from the back of the cabinet. Jeff had given this to you when you finished the cabin. Said that you needed to celebrate with a man's drink and not that pansy champagne that people usually drink. You had brought up that you were underage and he just scoffed at you. To him, you had your own place and paid your own bills, so you could drink whatever the hell you liked. You started crying again and choked back a couple of shots. Normally you preferred it with coke to make it a bit smoother. But tonight you needed the bite and burn. Maybe it felt like it was burning away all the hurt. Or maybe you were just kidding yourself. You don't know long you spent on the couch. But you knew that half the bottle was gone when you finally closed your eyes.

**********************************

Morning came with a terrible hangover and bad taste in your mouth. You grabbed the jack from the floor and the overturned shot glass and slowly made your way to the kitchen. A glass of water and some advil down you start coffee and get into the shower. This morning wasn't easy. But you were determined to stay calm at least until after coffee where you could better handle this. As soon as you shut off the shower there was loud knocking on your door. 'Who the hell is that?' Grabbing a large towel you wrapped it around you without bothering to dry yourself.

The knocking kept going. "I'M COMING!"  
You open the door to the face of the man that you sobbed into yesterday.

"Miss Y/N, I was hoping we could speak with you this morning." 

"Don't call me miss and yeah come in. I'm going to change."

You left him at the doorstep and went to your room. 'I need coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.' After being sufficiently dressed, well a large hoodie and yoga pants but hell you were covered up and screw them you've had a bad 24 hrs, you bee-line past them on the couch to grab coffee. "Coffee?"

"None for me thanks."

"Yeah I'm good. Thank you for offering."

You nod your head and grab your mug closing your eyes and taking the first sip.

"Miss..." the younger one started.

"I said no miss, just Y/N".

"Excuse me. I'm Agent Stark and my partner here is Agent Potts. We met with you yesterday."

You scoffed into your coffee. "Seriously? Like Ironman?"

"Yeah the Bureau thought it was hilarious too. We've brought along Agent Clark. He's in training and will be support for this case." 

You take one more sip of coffee and open your eyes. Agent Stark and Potts looked the same but the other guy wasn't around. "Where's Agent Clark?"

"He's grabbing some things out of the car. I know you had a rough day, but I was hoping that you would feel up to helping us." 

"No I don't but I will anyway. Jeff was the first person who helped me when I moved here. He was gruff but he was a good man."

"I see. Can you tell me more about your relationship with Jeff?"

"I kinda looked at him like a distant dad honestly. He helped me fix up this cabin and gave me a job. He didn't have to but he knew my grandpa. Said I couldn't be that bad." 

You look down at your coffee cup trying to compose yourself.

"Oh, Agent Clark, this is Y/N. She worked with the victim".

You start to look up, "Nice to meet..." you trail off. Colors. Every color imagineable. Not just in his chest but all through his body, and to...were those freaking wings. You drop your mug and it shatters across the floor. "Who are you?" you ask angrily.

The man in the suit with a trenchcoat clears his throat. "I'm Agent Clark."

"No, no you're not. You're not even human."

The two men on the couch had guns pointed at your chest quicker than you could blink. "What are you? Why did you kill that man?"

You've always wondered how you'd react when you were actually in real danger. You never thought it'd be in anger. "I?! I killed Jeff?! Fuck you! Jeff was the closest thing I have to family and he's gone now! And you have the fucking audacity to come here and point your gun at me accusing me of killing my family?! Screw both of you. I loved Jeff."

The younger one looked a little taken back at your outburst but the older one kept his face trained. Agent Clark grabbed the gun and lowered it, "It's fine Dean, she's not a monster."

Dean looked at Agent Clark and relaxed his stance. Agent Clark looked back at you.

"What are you Agent Clark? I can see all your colors. They're everywhere. Even in your wings."

"Y/N, I'm Castiel. I'm an angel of the lord and it's nice to meet you too."

You wanted to laugh, you really did, but you couldn't do anything but stand there in shock. The younger one, Sam, explained how they were hunters but hunted monsters. They explained fairy tales were true and angels and demons. You absorbed all this calmly and after Sam's speech you grabbed another mug with coffee and just sat down. "So Jeff was killed by a monster?"

Sam looked at you in surprise. "Um, yeah, we're thinking a werewolf."

You nod your head. And look over at Castiel. You realize belatedly you can see his eye color. "They're blue I think."

"What?", asked Dean.

"Your eye color, I think they're blue. They're beautiful."

Castiel nodded. "Yes, they're blue."

Sam clears his throat. "Would you please tell me about the colors now?"

You sigh, "I'm colorblind. I can't see any colors at all. Well not normally. I can see colors in their chest. Everyone has 3 colors. Its like a circle. The outside color is usually emotional and changes. But the two inside colors are swirled together. Yours and your brothers are what I think are gold and black. But your outside color is blue. Always blue. I've never seen someone with your colors. At least not that combination. And Jeff, I was looking for his colors. I...I couldn't find them anymore. But Castiel, his whole body is covered in colors."

"You're seeing their soul, Y/N. Those colors are the color of their soul."

You look at Castiel in amazement. "Gold? Like pure? Why is there black?"

"They've both been to hell. The blue you see, the color you said never changes, that's residual grace from angels. You're correct in saying the outside color is emotion, but the grace overpowers what you would normally see."

"Why does Sam have more black that Dean?"

"He was infected with demon blood as a baby."

You look at Sam in horror but he was staring at Castiel with the worst bitchface you've ever seen. "Cas..."

"I'm sorry, Sam. I was just telling the truth."

"Cas, can I ask...your wings?"

"What about them?"

"They're gorgeous. And they shine brighter than your other colors. But why are they broken?"

Sam and Dean look at Cas in surprise. "Dude you never said anything about this," Dean said.

Cas sighed, "I'm afraid that's quite a long story and we don't have time for it today."

You suddenly felt ashamed, "I'm sorry Castiel. I didn't mean to ask such a personal question."

Castiel gave a small smile, "No need to worry it's fine."

You look over at the brothers, trying to not awkwardly stare at the angel. His colors were distracting. If you were honest with yourself he was distracting without all the colors. 

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Dean shifts in his seat, "Have you noticed anything unusual here lately. Anyone that's been acting weird?"

You thought for a moment, "No, I don't believe so. I keep to myself a lot except for a select few people. But I haven't noticed anyone being especially strange. But you guys said you thought it was a werewolf right?"

Sam nodded, "We don't know for sure yet but that's our best guess."

"I had the morning shift at the diner. Sarah had gotten sick and stayed home. Jeff had asked me to cover her shift tonight and sent me home early to get a little rest before pulling a double. I fell asleep for a bit out on the porch. I woke up to howling. I don't know if that's important or not but it was closer than usual. Howling's not really something that's rare around here."

Sam thinks for a bit and writes it down in his notebook. "You said that me and my brother had different soul colors. Have you seen anyone who had different colors? Maybe an absence of color or like Cas?"

You look back at Cas again, "I've never seen anyone like that. I would've noticed. He's like a beacon of light. As far as an absence no. Well anyone who is alive anyway. Everyone I've met in town is pretty normal I guess. Nothing that I've never seen before."

Sam looks over at Dean. There seemed to be a silent argument going on between them. You look back over to Cas. You couldn't help it. You've never seen so many colors at once. They were constantly moving, shifting one way and turning another, swirling to the point where one color would overtake another and sometimes burst through like fireworks. You may have been staring at him a bit longer than socially acceptable, because Sam was clearing his throat loudly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?"

"We may have you help when we narrow this down more. I believe that you may be able to spot the monster quicker than we could." Sam looks over at Dean.

"Yeah, maybe." Dean says harshly. You're guessing by that attitude Sam won whatever argument they were having.

You nod, "just call me then." You move to open the door for the guys.

Dean's the first one out followed closely by Sam who told you to take extra precautions to keep your home safe. He also pressed a piece of paper in your hand of numbers to contact them with. When Cas was walking past you with a nod you grabbed the sleeve of his trenchcoat. "Are you really an angel?" Cas nodded but didn't say anything. You chewed your lip for a moment trying to gather some courage. "Do you think...maybe...once we find the monster that you could...and its okay if you don't...um..."

"Y/N, tell me what you want," he interrupted in a rough voice.

Goosebumps slid down your spine. Good lord that voice. "Will you explain the colors I'm seeing? I want to know if I'm right."

Cas raises an eyebrow, "Is that all you want?"

NO! "Yes. That is...if you're not too busy or anything." 

'Good god hormones, why don't we just take it down a notch?' You shift uncomfortably under his stare. 'Why is he not saying anything? Can he read my mind? God can do that I guess, but angels? Maybe he saw me shiver. Ugh embarassing.' It's unnatural the way he's so still with his piercing blue eyes trained on yours. You drop your gaze.

"You do realize I'm an angel right?"

You look up with your eyebrows knit together. "Yeah? That's why I asked you. You know the names of these colors and you seem to know what I see. You're kind of my only shot to see if I'm naming them correctly. I'd like to know."

Cas stares at you for a little longer. You jump at the blare of a car horn. Cas just sighs, "Yes, after this is over I'll help you."

You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding and squeeze his arm. "Thank you Castiel."

Cas awkwardly pats your hand and walks off. You stood there in the doorway watching a black impala rumble down the driveway. You shut the door and lean against it, closing your eyes and letting the events of this morning sink in. You pour yourself another cup of coffee and stare out the window smiling a little at the memory of Cas and all of his distracting colors. And maybe wishing he didn't have such a long coat on when he walked away.

******************************************

The next day you stayed in. Its not like you had to go to work. You briefly wondered what would happen to the diner after this, but quickly pushed it out of your mind. Other than checking in with Sarah to see if she felt better, you didn't speak to anyone at all. You flipped through the few channels on your tv but there was nothing other than news or weather. You couldn't afford cable and it's not like you were home enough to watch it anyway. Hell you were lucky to even have signal on your phone. You took your usually tactics on passing the time: taking a bath, reading a book, playing a game, taking a nap. The day seemed to drag on though. There was still a few hours of daylight so you figured you'd go for a walk. You grab your hiking backpack. You check to make sure you had your compass, flashlight, and handgun still in there. You grab a couple of bottles of water and some snacks. You grab your phone and keys and started to lock the door but decided to grab the small hatchet and pocket knife that you kept in the laundry room. Jeff always told you to 'pack like you won't make it back'. Hiking out here could be dangerous and you could never be too prepared. Putting the hatchet in your backpack and your phone and knife in your pocket, you head out. 

You've always enjoyed being out in the woods. Something about the steady crunch under your feet and the way your lungs filled when you hiked made you feel peaceful. You decided to head east and explore a little bit. You never really went out this way and a change of pace seemed nice. It wasn't until you saw a glint of light off of a piece of metal on the ground that you realized it was starting to get dark. You took out your compass and phone. You were heading south now but you didn't know for how long. You realize that you have no signal on your phone and that it was almost 7pm. 

'Great. I might actually be really lost. And I won't make it back before dark.' You start to head north. Maybe if you're lucky you'll run into the river that follows the main road into town. You've been walking for almost half an hour and kept hearing noises behind you. Maybe it's your imagination but each step you took you were sure that you heard another one behind you. When you stopped, it stopped. When you walked faster it did as well. Becoming more and more panicked you decided to take off in a dead run. 'Oh god this isn't good.' Panting you had half a thought that you should be exercising more. With barely any daylight left you didn't see the edge of the steep hill. With a scream you tumbled down hitting rocks and trees as you went. Trying desperately grab onto anything, your foot caught in between the trunk of two trees and stuck. The direction of your fall caused your body to swing quickly to the left, effectively snapping your stuck leg. Another scream ripped from your throat and caused tears to stream down your face. You were trying to reach your cell phone when you heard it. Howling. Staying as quiet as you could you pulled out the phone praying that it had some signal. 

'Thank you jesus, one bar.' You were fixing to send a mass SOS text but thought better of it. You had just type in Castiel's name when you froze. Teeth gleeming beside your head.

"Aren't you the sweetest thing in the forest? Tell me my dear. Do you always bleed so sweetly?"

You shook, you knew that sooner than later you were going to bleed out. And maybe it was the shock that was setting in but you hit send on your phone and sneered at him, "Do I? It's probably not as sweet as you look in grandmas nightgown and glasses."

"And a joker? Well that one will cost you."

You smiled just as big as him, "try me", you gritted between your teeth, and promptly blacked out. ********************************************* 

Pain, it feels like you're swimming in it. Your half conscious state is aware of it, but you have so little strength you can't fully come awake. At least you can't until you feel the pain spike. You tried to scream but it only comes out as croak.

"Wakey, wakey my little fox. We have guests."

You crack an eye open wondering why your other eye isn't working. Unfortunately for you raising your head is almost impossible. You're instead greeted with the image of your leg, the bone has broke the skin. The monster still has a grip on you right above the broken bone. You realize you're in a chair tied down so you couldn't move. 'Is that really necessary? It's not like I can escape anyway.'

The monster squeezes your leg again causing tears and another attempt at a scream. "I said we have guests who are here specifically here for you. And you my dear are being rude."

"That's enough asshole", a deep voice rumbles from your front.

'Dean?' You try to call out but it only comes out as a whisper. 

"Y/N stay with us."

You groan in response. You started to hear the monster talking beside you but it's not making any sense. Monsters...need to feed...in the way. You realize that you were again slipping in and out of consciousness. At some point when you're trying to make out the conversation, your chair had gotten knocked over. You braced yourself for the pain of hitting the floor but thankfully you had passed out again before you hit. The next thing you were aware of was gunshots. The times you were spending conscious was coming farther apart. You felt the tug of rope behind your hands. The pain of being jostled around. Maybe you were being carried. An engine. You heard one of them say your name but you couldn't respond. You were so tired. The last thing you heard was someone yelling and tires squeeling and you were gone for what felt like the last time.

********************************************

You groan and squint your eyes against the light coming in from your window. Rolling over you were trying to pull the covers over your head. Sighing in relief when it was dark again you relax letting sleep come. That's when the memories hit you like a truck. You shoot out of bed standing there trying to recall everything you could. 'I was dead. I know I was.' You look down at your leg. Nothing. 'What the fuck is going on?! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Where's my coffee? Hell, I might need my Jack.' You grab the blanket and wrap it around you and open the door. 

Dean's making eggs and Sam's reading a newspaper. Sam looks up when he heard the door and comes rushing to you. "Y/N are you feeling alright? Take it easy you've had a rough couple of days."

You look back at him with a blank stare. Dean half turns from the stove and salutes you with the spatula. "Coffee's made."

You push past Sam towards Dean. He grabs a mug from the cupboard and set it down for you. "Hope you don't mind me cooking." You shake your head distractedly. You're still wondering if you should just go for the Jack. Dean follows your eye and sighs. He pours the coffee in the cup and shuts the cabinet door. "Day's still young," he mumbles, "may need that more later." You squeeze his arm in thanks and go back to Sam.

Sam watches as you shift around on the couch, trying to find a comfortable spot with your blanket that still allows you access to your coffee. He chuckles softly, "not a morning person I take it?" 

You level him with a hard stare. Sam chuckles again and picks up his newspaper. "We'll talk about what happened after you finish that."

You sip your coffee with your eyes closed. 'I have so many questions but do I want to know? Of course I want to know. But am I prepared to hear it? Hell.' The sounds from your little cabin was soothing against your inner turmoil. The sounds of food sizzling in the pan, the sound of Sam flipping the pages of the newspaper, the soft chatter of birds outside. It all brought memories of mornings with your mom and dad. You sigh brokenly into your mug. Sam grabs your leg. "Hey its ok now. You're ok."

"No, it's not that. I almost forgot how nice it is to have other people around." Sam nodded for you to continue. "My parents. Mornings used to be like this at my house."

"Where are they now?"

"My mom died a few years back. A blood clot that traveled to her brain. Kind of one of those freak accidents. She was healthy person too. My dad? Who knows." Sam stared at you confused. "My dad...we've never been close. They had a hard time having kids and by the time they had me the doctor warned her that she couldn't go through another pregnancy. Apparently carrying me almost killed her. So I'm not sure if it was that or maybe my dad really wanted wanted a boy, but we were never close. He was always nice to me and it seemed like he was the most proud when he came to watch me at my games. But after mom died it was like two strangers in a house. He met some woman and by the time I was old enough he told me to get out, so here I am."

Sam's face twisted. "I'm sorry. That's rough."

"Don't be. Sometimes I feel a bit sad cause he's my dad and all, but I never really knew him either."

"Breakfast is complete," Dean calls from the kitchen. You grab another cup of coffee before sitting down. "You didn't have to cook Dean but thank you."

"It's not all for you sweetheart. I'm a warrior, I've got to eat too". You laugh at his absurd statement. It seems like Dean is a completely different person when he's not working a case. You let the boys take their plates first, smiling to yourself to see them fight over the bacon. You went to reach for a plate when you saw something appear beside you. You jump over to the side knocking your coffee and chair over and hitting the floor. 'Oh god, it's burning!' The mug had shattered and spilt over your leg. There was a piece of ceramic stuck there.

"Dammit Cas you can't be serious?!" Dean says as he pounded his fist on the table. 

Cas at least looks contrite and picks you up off the floor. "I didn't mean to startle you. I'm sorry."

You right your chair and sit. "It's ok. I've just burned myself though." 

Cas looks at your leg and pulls the piece of mug out. He firmly grasps it and you jerk. There's a light from under his hand and a warm sensation. When he releases your leg, there's no pain or cut. You look up at him in suprise. "Seriously just like that? Did you heal me earlier?" Cas nods his head. "I could've sworn I died."

Cas nods again, "you did. Several times I think." You stared at him in shock. "After I had healed your injuries, I had to force your heart to beat."

You look down at your lap. 'Holy shit.' You gulp, "are you...are you still forcing it to beat or is it doing it on it's own? Cause if you're still forcing it, I'm technically a zombie right?"

Dean laughs around his mouthful of biscuits. Cas tilts his head in confusion, "I believe that you humans call it a pacemaker but no your heart is beating of it's own accord now."

"Oh," you say in a small voice. You blush, embarassed by your zombie comment. "Thank you for healing me."

Cas nods his head, "I promised you that I would teach you about colors."

'Well if that isn't the most innocent and sweet comment of all time.' You blush even deeper. You clear your throat, "um, would you like some breakfast?"

"Angels do not need to eat."

You stare at him. 'Well I have a crush on a robot.' Sam talking caught your attention. "I'm sorry Sam I didn't hear you."

"I wanted to know if you had any questions about what happened."

You thought for a moment, "how long was I there?"

"Almost two days. He brought you to an abandoned hunting cabin and warded the place. It took a while for us to find you."

"Was he a werewolf?"

"Yeah actually," Sam said, "just smarter than most."

You nod, "How did I make it that long? My bone had pierced through the skin."

Sam grimaced, "best we can figure he decided to use you as bait. I believe he healed you just enough to keep you alive." You looked at him with panic. "Oh no don't worry, you're not a werewolf. He didn't bite you."

Dean shook his bacon at you, "you were pretty worse for the wear though. Took me a minute before I realized that a human was sitting in that chair. You were covered in dirt and sticks. Hell if it wasn't for the blood from your leg and face, I wouldn't have known."

"DEAN!"

"What? She's right as rain now, aren't you sweetheart?" Dean winks and goes back to eating.

Sam snorts, "my brother is an animal, I apologize."

Dean's face splits into a shit-eating grin and he winks at you again. "Yeah I am."

Sam throws a bitchface at Dean, "again. I apologize."

You laugh, "its ok. You guys are funny."

Breakfast turned into friendly banter between the two. You enjoyed their company. Hell you were really enjoying it. It made you sad to think that they'll be leaving soon. You wished that they wouldn't.

"Y/N," Cas started, "do you want me to teach you colors now?"

Excitedly you grab his hand, "yes! Well if you want to now."

He looks down at your hand in his. You start to pull away and he grips just a little bit tighter. "When I healed you, I left your eyesight the way it was. You're colorblind because the rods in your eyes that allow you to see color were never fully developed. I was going to fix that but Dean said that I needed to give you that choice instead. You may want to be able to see the colors of people's soul instead of the colors of the world."

You look at Dean in shock. "Thank you for thinking of me," you said in the most heartfelt way you could muster. 

"What do you think?" Sam asked.

You look down at Cas's and your hands. Taking a deep breath you answered as honestly as you could, "you guys will be leaving soon and it makes me sad to see you go. I don't want you to honestly, but I know you have to. I have nothing for me here. There's nothing tying me to this place. I know this is a lot to ask, you barely know me. But could I come with you?"

"Absolutely not," Dean said almost as soon as you stopped talking. Your face fell.

"Let's hear her out," Sam said giving Dean a warning look.

It took you a minute before you spoke up. "I'm not a hunter. I don't have any combat skills. But I figured, I can help by doing research. I'm not sure if I would want to hunt to be honest. I just don't want to be alone anymore and I like you guys. I'd like to be of some help. I mean you did save me and all."

"I don't understand," Cas said, "does this have anything to do with colors?"

"Well sort of. Sam's theory was right. The werewolf. He didn't have any colors at all. It was like looking at a tree. Just shades of gray. If I end up staying here, I'll stay colorblind. It's safer that way, right? I can tell if people are monsters or not. But if I can come with you guys, I would like for Cas to heal me. I'm safer. You guys know how to tell the difference. I won't need it to survive."

Sam looked like he was in deep thought, "who's to say you'll be in danger again? You may never need it."

You thought about this and shuddered, "no, after what happened to me. I don't want to take the chance again. I would love to be able to see the world as everyone else does. But not at the expense of my safety. I may never need it, but you never know."

Dean hums softly, "way to guilt us into this." You blush, "I'm not meaning it like that. I promise" you say contrite. "I guess it does kinda sound like that but I promise I'm not."

"Chill Y/N. I was joking with you." 

Dean and Sam share a silent conversation. Your nerves were at an all time high while you waited for someone to speak. You rubbed your thumb back and forth across Cas's hand to get some sort of comfort. Cas gently squeezed and you squeezed back in thanks.

"You need to know something. If you do live with us, you'll be hunted." Dean fixed you with a hard stare. "It may seem like you're safe but you're really not. There's things that are after us all the time. You'll be the weak link. They could use you against us. I won't stand for that. We'll have to train you to defend yourself. You'll have to be alert at all times. The Bunker is warded but you won't be able to stay inside forever. If anything you'll be in more danger than you are now."

You thought about it. Looking at Cas's hands around yours there wasn't really another option. "I still want to go. There's nothing for me here."

Dean looked over at Sam still unsure. You look at Dean, "I promise to give it my best. I'm a quick learner. And a pretty damn good cook too."

Dean burst out laughing, "well we'll have to see about that."

You felt your spirits lift. "Is that a yes?!"

Dean looks at Sam again. Sam clears his throat, "yeah. That's a yes."

You squeal in delight and promptly start laughing, "I'm sorry, I don't think I've ever made that noise before."

Cas tightens his hold. "You ready?"

You swallow nervously. "Yeah, I think so. Will it hurt?"

Cas gives you a small smile, "no. It won't. Sit back in your chair. Close your eyes."

You feel two cold fingers touch your forehead and warmth radiating from them. There's some light behind your eyelids but other than that nothing seemed to happen. Cas removes his fingers maybe 5 seconds later. "You're ok. Open your eyes."

You open them and the first thing you see is Dean. Tears spring to your eyes. You get up and walk over to him and lightly grab his face. "Dean, oh my god" you sob. "Your eyes are green. And your hair is...yellow?"

"It's blonde"

You choke back another sob, "blonde. It's blonde. And your freckles. You're so pretty in color."

Dean looks a bit bashful but pleased. You hug him and see Sam. "Sam your hair is a bit darker." You move over to him and grab his face as well. Tears keep streaming down your face. "Sam your eyes?"

"Most people say they're hazel."

"Hazel", you repeat in wonder. "Oh my god you guys. I can see your colors," you cry happily.

Sam laughs, "congrats. Take a look outside."

You open your eyes to the sliding doors leading out to your deck. Your breath catching in your throat, you run to them and throw them open. Outside you fall to your knees. It was magical. The leaves were falling and the wind was catching them. Golds, yellows, and reds were swirling around in the air. Some of the trees were still green. You were crying openly now. You couldn't contain yourself.

"You're going to get cold," Sam's amused voice came from behind you.

"I don't care!" you yelled but got up anyway. When you turned all three of them were standing just inside the doorway. 

Castiel. You didn't think it was possible but more tears came. You launched yourself at him. He caught you but seemed suprised. "I could never repay you! Oh my god thank you, Castiel thank you so much!" You lean back and look at him. Those same bright blue eyes, dark hair. 'Oh god he's gorgeous.' 

Without thinking you lean forward and kissed him. He pulled back when your lips touched. You quickly let go of him and bring your hand to your mouth. Your eyes wide you stood there in shock. 'Oh no. Oh god. What if he doesn't like me like that and I kissed him?' You felt your face pale and dropped your gaze to your feet. "Oh, I'm so sor..." Cas grabs your hand away from your mouth and roughly picks you up to his height. He locks his eyes with yours and quickly kisses you back. After a moment of shock you grab him around his shoulders and hair and deepen the kiss. Someone, maybe Sam is clearing their throat but Cas doesn't let you go.

"Come on buddy, she's gotta breathe."

Cas unlocks his lips from yours and you take a deep breath. 'Christ that man knows how to kiss.' You blush as Cas gently sets you back down on your feet. Dean claps Cas on the shoulder with a wide smile.

"I uh. I thought for sure that you didn't like me like that for a moment."

Cas's eyes crinkle when he smiles. "You're beautiful."

You blush. "Yeah you should really see yourself, Y/N" Dean says.

'Oh! OH! I haven't seen myself!' You run into your bathroom to get to your mirror. You gasp. Your eyes were red from crying and your cheeks were red too. You run your hand through your (H/C) hair and look at your (E/C) eyes. A sob chokes you again and you bring your hand to your mouth. Staring at yourself you were at a loss for words. You slowly walk back into the living room. The boys are waiting for you. All of them are smiling and you try to smile back at them. All of this was so overwhelming. You look over at Cas again and something catches your eye. You frown. 'What was that?' You see a slight movement on his arm. 'What?' You take a few steps forward. 'What is that?' You look at Sam and Dean. They're not moving. You focus back in on Cas but something caught your eye that moved on Dean and you look back at him.

Sam looks confused. Well they both do. "Y/N what's wrong?"

"I don't know." You stare harder at Dean. There on his chest. A small movement. The harder you focused the more you can see it. Finally you realized the color was a bit off on his shirt. There was a small circle on his shirt that was a slightly different color than the rest. You look back at Cas. The longer you stared the more you can see. A slight movement on his arm, another on his stomach, another on his left cheek. 'Oh my god!' You take a few steps back in horror at the realization.

Dean takes a step foward, "Y/N you ok?"

You shake your head. "No, it can't be."

"Yes actually it can." Cas states plainly.

You look at him in confusion. "Your...I can still see...," you shake your head like you were trying to clear it. "Your souls" you barely whisper, "I can still see it. It's very faint. But it's still there." You look at all three of them. "If I focus really hard, I can still see it. Why can I see them?"

Cas walks over to you and grabs onto your shoulders, "why do you think you could see them in the first place?" 

You shrugged. You knew it wasn't normal, but it wasn't like you could feasible find an answer. "I don't know."

Cas lifts your chin to where you're staring at him. "It's because way down the line, a very long time ago there was an angel in your family. It's long since been diluted and hardly recognizeable but I saw it when I first met you. Your grace makes it possible for you to see the souls." You stare in shock. "The only reason it's harder for you now is because you can see color. It was easy when everything else was dark. The little bit of grace you have also keeps you relatively healthy. Much like your mom."

"But she had a clot."

Cas frowned, "I know. Just because you have it doesn't mean you never get sick. Things happen and you have such a small amount that unfortunately is doesn't prevent major illnesses. Just enough to take the edge off as Dean would say."

You smile, "thank you Cas". You wrap him in another hug. "I could spend the rest of my life thanking you and it'll never come close to how much I appreciate this."

"Well we could go on a date?" You pull back. It was Cas's turn to blush. "That is, if you find that agreeable?"

You lightly kiss him. "Yes, I think I would."

"Enough of that. Sammy help Y/N pack. We gotta get Dorothy to Kansas" Dean says.

You jump back in excitement and start clapping your hands.

"Are you sure Y/N? There's no walking away from this," Sam says.

You look at the three of them. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life." 

Cas smiles and hugs you. Dean laughs, "guess I better start the car then."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was it everything you hoped it would be? This new life of yours?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love you sent on the first chapter! I know these are far apart but that's what a job and kids do to your time. Of course it might be that I re-wrote half of this chapter several times. But we won't talk about that. Enjoy!

It's been one hell of a year. The boys were gone more often than not. You studied centuries of lore in order to be of use to them. You guys had your good days and your bad. They had almost died several times, although they'd never admit it to you. The first time the boys came back bloodied, you watched every first aid video you could find.

Sam was just as kind as the day you met him. More often than not you confided in him because he was such a good listener. It took him a while, but he started confiding in you too. You secretely loved those times. He finally trusted you enough and hopefully it did him good to have someone to talk to other than his brother. His love of books was infectious and he would always purchase a second one for you of the ones he likes best. Your room was overflowing with them. You had jokingly mentioned that you'd have to turn another one of the bedrooms into a mini library. By the time you had come back from grocery shopping, the boys were taking a sledgehammer to the wall adjoining your bedroom and the next. Dean's idea apparently. They built ceiling to floor shelves for you. You decided on homemade pizza and beer that night. When you were overwhelmed when you saw it finished. Sam and Dean wrapped you in a big hug. It wasn't until Dean mentioned getting a extra large bean bag chair that you mentioned that you had made pie as well. He was so excited that he left you and Sam standing in your new library. Sam had hugged you again and kissed the top of your head. He had thanked you for being there for them. You knew he meant to say more but it was enough when he left it at that. You just hugged back a bit tighter. That was a good day.

Dean sometimes reminded you so much of Jeff at times that it hurt. He too rough at times, hard to warm up, but Dean was just so good hearted that you couldn't help but love him. He'd snap first when he was hurt or worse when Sam was. He'd always calm down later and be the same kinda goofy Dean that you got to know. You heard less than a handful of apologizes from him if he took it too far but Dean was always actions rather than words. It usually ended up in tacos or dark chocolate. Dean pushed you to your limits and further during training. You had thought it was enough to just defend yourself but apparently not. He needed you to fight back. It wasn't until knives were introduced that you pushed back. He had yelled at you a lot that day and kept pushing you. You both had been going at it for almost 3 hours. Needless to say, you were exhausted. Dean verbally attacked you the whole time, using your weaknesses and your insecurities to make you mad. You tried turning that into fuel like he said, but instead it wore you down. Until finally you snapped. Dean had made a comment along the lines of 'no wonder your dad told you to leave. I would've done the same thing if I was in his position'. You saw red. You picked up a knife for the first time and threw it fully intending to harm him. You registered the shock in his face first and the knife stuck in his collarbone second. You were hyperventilating into a paperbag with Dean holding your hand when Cas showed up to heal him. You apologized and cried profusely after that. That was bad day for you. Dean was weirdly proud of it. But you guessed he felt bad eventually because he bought you a bag of gourmet dark roast coffee and ice cream after, saying that maybe he did push you too far. You couldn't look him in the eyes for days.

And Cas. Cas was like an itch you couldn't scratch. He was around for the first few months after you moved into the bunker. You went on dates, you watched movies together, things couples do. After he got called back to heaven he was gone for months at a time. You barely heard a word from him and when you did see him he was distant. So aloof that you would think that you guys had never met. He never stuck around long enough for you to ask him. Sam said to give him time that he was sure it wasn't you, but something was wrong. Nowadays you tried to ignore the whole problem as much as you could. Speaking of, he hasn't showed in months now. He didn't answer your prayers, not a phone call, nothing. For the thousandth time you wondered what you did. But the bunker door closing brought you out of your reverie.

"Honey we're home!" called Dean.

You round the corner just as they're setting their bags on the table. "How'd it go guys?" 

Sam scrunched his face, "as well as can be expected. Turned out to be a ghost so one of the easier ones." 

You turn to Dean but he's already heading toward the kitchen. "There's leftover lasagna and garlic bread."

"You're the best", he calls still walking away.

You sigh and sit down next to Sam. "You going to join us on a hunt sometime?"

You shook your head, "no...well I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm ready to. Plus I have no idea if I could honestly kill something. I don't think I have it in me."

"We won't push you. If you're never ready then that's fine too. You helped us many times just being here. Plus it's nice to have someone to come home to."

You smile and grab his hand and squeeze. "Thanks. Love you too."

Sam looks down at your hands pensively. "Are you ok Sam?"

Sam smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Yeah I'm fine."

You study him for a moment. He looked tired but had worry lines on his face. You tried to focus in on his chest but you saw the same blue. You were prepared to let it go, but Sam sighed again.

"I wish you would tell me but I understand if you're not ready."

He squeezes your hand and gets up, "I think I'm going to fight Dean over some lasagna."

"Have at it", you say to his back. 'Well, conversation over.'

******************************************************************

True to your words with Sam, you had no idea if you wanted to go on this hunt. It was your first one, just two hours away from the bunker. Sam deemed it safe enough and Dean looked so excited to bring you that you didn't have the heart to say no. The closer you got to the case the more nervous you were. By the time you were at the hotel, you were sweating bullets. The boys unpacked to do research, while you tried to help. Sam believed that it was a haunting that was causing prospective buyers to purchase and quickly move out of the home. Some didn't get the chance to move out. The boys left to go interview people while you stayed in the room and tried to do more research. When that wasn't happening, you tried to watch tv. 'Ugh this is terrible.' You cut it off, checked your salt lines and decided on taking a shower. The boys finally got back about the time you got your hair dry.

"It's a haunting for sure," Sam told you. "We're going to wait closer to dark before we go to the house. From family records of the people that used to live there, a mother had died from suspicious poisoning. We just don't know what's keeping her there."

"There's no clues as to that at all?"

"The realtor said that there's still family photos from several generations in the attic. We're hoping that will give us clues since there seems to be no photos online." Dean looked over at you. You were picking at the sleeve of your shirt. "Hey, you'll be fine. You'll stay with either me or Sam the entire time. We won't let anything happen to you."

You gave him a small smile. 'Crap, there's no going back now.'

******************************************************************

It was dusk when you guys got to the house. The boys had found the attic quickly and were pulling the covers off the family portraits. You were only slightly shaking holding the shotgun towards the door.

"Some help over here Y/N."

You turn to see the boys studying the photos. Grabbing a small flashlight out of your pocket you start looking at them. "What am I looking for here guys?"

"A woman with long black hair," Sam said. He was reaching for another cover, when he jumped back and aimed his gun at a painting. A rat scurried to another corner of the attic.

"Great," you say dryly, "I've always hoped that when I die I'll go peacefully by rabies and a vengeful spirit."

"Just go check in that corner," Dean said with a small smile.

You step around the multitude of covers to the very back corner. Pulling the cover off you wave your hand in front of your face. The dust in here was choking uou and created a cloud every time any one of you moved. You start thumbing through the frame finally landing on some that were covered in plastic. "Hey guys, look at this." These were a bit smaller than the others and weren't in frame at all. Pulling them out of the plastic, they were were oil paintings done on canvas. A little girl in a meadow. A boy by the creek. A silhouette of a family at sunset. 

"These look pretty old," Sam said pensively. 

"The pictures of these paintings are in frames here." You look back at the pile of photos. "But this one isn't." A photo of a woman smiling around two children and an infant. She had a hat on in the photo. 

"Shine the flashlight here Dean." Sam picked up the picture to see it better but something rattled. He looked questioningly at Dean and shook the picture again. Sam took out a knife and cut the back of the frame out. Pictures fell onto the floor.

"Bingo," Dean said. He pulled a picture from the pile. "I think we found our girl Sammy." It was a photo of the same woman except this was just her sitting among flowers with her hat in her hand. Long black hair slightly ruffled from the wind. A scream came from downstairs. "Stay close to me."

You gulp and nod.

"Dean she has a necklace in this picture. We passed a case on the wall with framed jewelry."

"Got it." Dean turns to you. "Showtime kiddo."

The woman appears in the doorway. You freeze. She had the same black hair, but she didn't look like anything she once was. Her eyes were sunken in and filled with hatred. "Gun!" Dean shouts.

You right your shotgun and pull the trigger but she moves before it can hit her. Before you can aim again she's knocked Sam off his feet. 

"Go! I've got this!" Sam yells.

You immediately turn and start running. Dean's right on your heels. You're jumping steps four at a time and take a large leap and hit the landing. As soon as your feet touch you're sprinting. You round the corner and grab the framed jewelry on the wall. You hand it off to Dean and he runs outside to burn it. You can still hear the spirit's screams from upstairs. 'Come on Dean. Come on.' There's things breaking up there. Sam's muffled groans are setting you more on edge. You were debating on going back up there when the noise stopped. You held your breath. There was still some creaking of floorboards but no screams nothing breaking.

"Sam?!" You listen for a reply. Nothing. A movement catches the corner of your eye and you point your gun.

"Whoa just me," Dean says with his hands up.

"Sorry," you lower the gun. "Sam's not answering. I yelled for him."

More creaking comes from upstairs. It almost sounds like somethings breaking.

"The jewelry's burned." You nod your head in acknowledgement. 

"Something's not right though." You shift uneasily. "I'm gonna go and check on..." The ceiling creaks above your head and plaster's falling down. You look at Dean in enough time to see him lunge at you, knocking you over. The ceiling collapses right where you were, bringing down Sam and the spirit. You cough and lift your head from the ground. Sam's unconscious. You shove the gun into Dean's hands. "Keep her busy."

"No wait..." Dean calls.

You run in the direction of the attic while the sound of the shotgun blasts behind you. Puffing your way back up the stairs you're pushing yourself to make it quickly. Once you top the stairs, you stop. There's desks and pictures broken everywhere and a large gaping hole in the floor where it gave way. You quickly start throwing broken pieces off to the side trying to reach the back of the attic. 'Come on where is it?' You scan the best you can with your small flashlight for the paintings you were looking at earlier.

"Whatever you're doing you gotta be quicker!" Dean yells through the hole in the floor.

"I'm trying dammit!" You finally get to the back of the attic. 'Not this one. No. Where?!' You look around and finally see the pictures next to the window. Grabbing them you pull out the matches you put in your pocket. 'I need a zippo like Dean.' The first few don't light. 'Come on, light for me.' You finally get one lit. "Yes thank you!"

A scream comes from right behind you. Before you can turn, you're thrown across the room. You hit your head as you land. With the room spinning you try to get up. A blow lands right on your back knocking you down. "Dean!!! Light!!!" The spirit grabs you around the throat cutting off all air. You struggle to get her off but she's only gripping tighter. Your vision is starting to go black on the edges when you see a small flame shoot up from the hole in the floor landing on one of the covers for the painting. The cover catches on fire, starting a chain reaction around the room. The spirit releases her hold on you and screams again. It goes downstairs toward Dean. You cough and crawl your way back to the window. Grabbing the pictures you throw it to the nearest fire. You hear her scream one last time. 'Freaking bitch.' You cough. The flames are starting to take over the room. You look toward the stairs. 'Shit. Can't go there. Everything's on fire.' You hear Dean yelling. You go over to the hole in the floor staying low to the ground. "Dean?! I can't get out!"

"You have to jump here! I'll catch you!" Dean yells.

"I'll break my legs! That's like 20 feet!" You look around. The fire is catching on quick and there's black smoke filling the room. 

"Jump Y/N! You're going to die if you don't!" 

You look at the jagged edges of the hole. There's no way that you can safely hang from there and drop. You back away looking towards the window. 'Maybe I can get out from there?' You were starting to go over to it when the ceiling cracks and drops right beside the hole in the floor. The flames fan out even more, cutting off your view to the floor below.

"Y/N!! Now!!!"

'Fuck me.' You back up as much as you can and jump. You feel the heat from the flames and part of the floor scratch you on the way down. Dean comes into view and he backs up trying to catch you. He grabs you but the force of you dropping knocks him back and you both tumble. You felt yourself hit the railing and it shatters and you go over the edge. You panic grabbing on to anything that could stop your fall. Dean grabs your flailing arm at the last minute. You look down at the broken wood and the shards of a glass coffee table right below you. 

"Told you I'd catch you." 

You look up, right into his dumb smiling face, "Yeah great catch Johnny Bench." 

Dean hauls you over the edge, "there's my girl."

The roar of the fire is getting louder. "We need to go. Like yesterday." 

"Yep on it," Dean says with a groan as he lifts Sam onto his shoulders. "Dude, it's a good thing you eat salads. Still alive Sammy?" Sam groans as you're picking up the empty shotgun. "Yeah, he's good to go."

You take off down the hallway, to the stairs and out the door. The neighbors are starting to come outside. You open the back door of the impala. "Hurry Dean."

Dean drops Sam into the backseat as you're getting in the front. You look back towards the house. The roof is caving in and the flames are reaching outside of the windows. Dean starts up Baby. "Let's get going."

 

*****************************************************************

You're shook awake. "Y/N we're home." 

You blink sleepily and turn to the backseat. "Sam you okay?"

The 'I'm good' comes through muffled hands. You reach and pat Sam's knee, while he's rubbing his hands over his face. "Yeah I'm sure."

You groan as you get out of the car. You take a few steps and grab your leg in pain. "What the hell?" You look down.

"What is it?" Dean says coming over to you.

You try to put some weight on your leg and hiss when it doesn't hold. "I've got a splinter."

Dean looks down at your leg. "That's more than a splinter." There's a piece of wood about a half of an inch thick sticking from your calf.

"I can't put weight on it."

"Sammy go get the med kit and then get yourself some advil and go to bed. I'll take care of this."

Sam hums in response and leaves.

You grab onto Dean's shoulder and use him as a crutch to walk. Dean quickly gets tired of that and just picks you up bridal style. You shoot him a dirty look. "I could just leave you here." You huff in response but keep your mouth shut. 

The med kit is on the table already and Sam's downing water with his medicine. Dean sets you down on the table. "Thanks," you mumble. 

Sam comes over to assess your leg. "Not too bad. Just the muscle really." 

"I got this man, go on," Dean says from the kitchen. 

Sam looks at you intently. "You good?"

You know from the look he's not asking about your leg. "Yeah, I'm good. I didn't die. I didn't kill anything that wasn't already dead."

Sam nods lightly and kisses your hair, "night".

"Night, Sam."

Dean comes back with two shot glasses and a bottle of Jack. "Medicine with medicine." He hands you a shot. You take it and throw it back, holding in a choke from the burn. Dean's cleaning up around the wound. "You know I should be pissed."

You look at him in confusion, "pissed? What for?"

"I told you this a thousand times. You always listen no matter what. You don't hesitate, you don't question. Things like that get you killed. You could've easily died today." You were starting to get mad. "I told you to stay near me. You didn't. What did you do? You run off back upstairs. She had you didn't she? What if I couldn't get to you in time? You would've burned alive."

"Not technically," you mumbled. 

"What?"

"Not technically."

"Not technically what?"

"Burned alive. She was choking me and I was starting to loose consciousness when I saw your lighter being thrown." You looked up saw Dean's jaw tighten. "Technically I might've already been dead. Or technically it would've been your fault that I burned cause you started the fire. I was trying to burn the photos not the whole house."

You saw Dean's jaw tic. You weren't actually mad at him, but the lecture is coming at the wrong time. You're tired and hurt and to be honest you thought you could've done much worse today. You sigh in defeat, "look I didn't mean-ahhhh!!!" Dean had grabbed the wood and yanked it out of your leg. "What the hell?!"

He silently hands you the bottle of Jack and you take a swig as he's going back in with tweezers and getting all the broken pieces out. You study him for a bit. "It is your fault. You and your dumb brother rubbing off on me. I'm becoming too hard headed for my own good. Guess that means I look up to you in a weird sort of way." Dean doesn't say anything but starts to work a bit gentler. "I'm sorry I didn't listen. I panicked. I wanted it done and over with. Sam was unconscious. You were quickly running out of bullets. My only thought was killing her so you guys could be safe. Which I guess is silly. You're the experts here not me. You've done it so long." You stop with a hiss. Dean's poured alcohol on the wound and is starting to put tiny stitches in. 

Dean mumbles something.

"What?"

"I said it's not silly." Dean ties off the last stitch. He cleans up the area around the stitches. You wait, you know by now pushing him only leads him to shut down. He finishes by taping a piece of plastic over it. "You care. Unfortunately that gets people hurt. I hope you don't become like us. Me and Sam. We're jaded. You still have this light. This hope. I can see it." He clears his throat. "The plastic is so that you can shower."

You study Dean's profile. He's always so hard on himself. "Yeah you're right you are jaded." You lift his head to where you can look him in the eyes. "You're so jaded that you can't see the good in yourself anymore. I see the same light in your eyes. In Sam's. You stubborn ass. You're too focused on all the bad to notice the good. You'll deny it to your dying breath but just because you feel like you lose hope doesn't mean it's gone. There's hope there. I see it all the time." Dean starts to say something and you hold up your hand. "Now I'm too tired to argue. So just leave it at that and let me shower and go to bed."

Dean looks like he's at war with himself. You harden your stare and he sighs mumbling out a thanks. He puts all the utensils back in the med kit and closes it. You bark out a laugh.

"What?"

"Where the hell did you find a pink med kit?" you ask laughing.

He looks back at it in confusion. "What?"

You point at it. "It's like pepto bismol pink. Did Sam do this?"

Your laughter dies away when he doesn't say anything. "What? What's wrong? I thought it was funny."

"Y/N this is red."

You stare at it again. 'It's pink. Like muted baby pink....muted...' You can feel yourself start to panic. "Huh... guess it's just the light. Can you help me to the shower?" Your voice comes out suprisingly level giving the anxiety that storming through you. 

Dean thankfully brushes it off. He helps you into the shower. You rinse off willing yourself not to blow this out of proportion but everything you see is just a shade off from what you remember. You look at the color of your shampoo bottle. It had bright flowers on it and now the colors were softer more dull. 'I just have stuff in my eyes and I am exhausted. That's why I'm not seeing things clearly.' You sigh. 'Yeah that's it.' You brush your teeth and put more eyedrops than necessary in your eyes. You blink them out and look at the shampoo again. Still the same. 'I just need sleep.'

Calling Dean to come help you again, you change and slip under the covers. Even though you were exhausted you couldn't fall asleep. Hours later you were awake tossing and turning. So you did something you haven't done in months. You prayed.

'Cas, I went on my first hunt today. I'm fine. Just a few scratches. Sam and Dean are good. It was a vengeful spirit. We accidently burned the house down.' You pause. 'I hope I'm wrong but I think there's something wrong with my eyes. Dean was taking care of that scratch and I...um... thought the med kit was pink. I thought Sam had played a prank or something. But Dean said it was red. There's other things too. Like my shampoo. It was different.' You pause reflecting on the day. Everything seemed fine this morning. Normal. You sigh. The morning should be better. 'Well good night Cas. I hope you're safe.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have time, leave me some comments. I love hearing from you guys and it helps me become a better writer!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life takes unexpected turns and you end up at the mercy of somebody new. Sam and Dean aren't going to like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it's been several months since I last updated. Life gets in the way and I had a hard time settling on where to go with this story. I can't tell you how many times I've rewrote this. Anyway hope you enjoy and thank you for sticking with me.

Each day kept getting worse. You knew sooner than later you were going to have to tell them. Either that or you were going to screw up one too many times and they were going to catch it. Each morning you resolved that today was going to be the day. And each day the words kept sticking in your throat. Like saying it was going to make it permanent, more real somehow. The boys kept commenting on your melancholy mood lately. You knew, you felt it too. 

You brushed it off by saying something about Cas. Nobody has heard from him, no info, no rumors, ziltch. You worried about him but honestly there wasn't anything you could do at this point. Not being the type to worry about things you can't change, you push Cas to the back of your mind. No, this stemmed from your eyesight. Every day, several times a day, you told yourself that you were lucky. That you should be grateful. But each passing day it was harder. You knew it was going to happen. It didn't get easier though. 

You sigh and put your book down. You've been trying to read this particular book for days. You've also been stuck on the fourth page since the first day you picked it up. Pulling the blanket up to your neck you sink further down into your bean bag chair. It was the constant reminder that made this hard. You knew your comforter was blue. You knew your bean bag chair was purple. You knew, you've seen it. But seeing it now, you had to concentrate extremely hard to see the color. Not focusing just yielded grays. But trying to focus so hard gave you headaches. You took to carrying medicine with you all the time. Any day now, it's going to just click off like a light. Or you'll wake up and it'll be gone. No amount of focusing and squinting will bring it back. You tried consoling yourself. You at least can still see the color of souls. So it's not like you'll have total absence for the rest of your life. And honestly, it did come in handy the last few hunts. Not that you said anything specific to the boys. You acted like you had guessed well. But you haven't been up to a hunt in weeks. Not like you went a whole ton anyway. Always something close to home. Always something relatively easy. Demons and vampires weren't exactly your cup of tea. 

Your mind was wandering too much these days to be useful. 'Maybe if I just wrote down what was happening then it'd be easier. I could go into town and get an etch-a-sketch and just leave it sitting on the table. Or those fridge magnet letters. Sam and Dean will come home and see 'missed you guys, leftovers in the fridge, I'm colorblind again, got more beer, out of sugar'. Well I'd have to condense that. Or buy several packs of the letters. There's at least 5 E's. I'd have to buy like 5 packs. Not cost effective. How much could they cost anyway? Maybe just an email. Or...maybe when it completely goes out I could buy icing to decorate a cake and just write it on there. I'm sure the cake would be some odd colors. I could probably just write 'guess what' and they would know by the way it's decorated. And then I'd probably cry into the cake because it would have to look hilarious with all the non-matching colors, but I wouldn't be able to tell. I'd miss out on my own joke. How depressing. I'm just making myself more sad.' You put the book back on the shelf. Staring at the spines, you try to make out the colors of them. Proving your point earlier, your eyes start watering, and the throbbing starts up in your temples. Throwing your blanket on the bed, you grab a jacket and your phone and head out. The boys were gone on another hunt anyways. 

Driving at night brought you some comfort. Everything was dark so not focusing wasn't an issue. Sometimes you get lost for hours. Just driving down back roads or even the interstate, feeling the wind rush by. The boys, when they were home, were suffocating. Not because anything was really different. But you always felt their eyes. The weight of everything unsaid. They knew something was up. They wanted to help. That's what they do. Fix things. And maybe that's why you choked everytime you thought about telling them. There's no way to fix this. Cas could, well for a little while. But they couldn't find him. So it'd be another thing on their plate. No, you couldn't do that to them. You're strong enough to bear this on your own. You felt better by yourself actually. It was a bit ironic how the loneliness you felt inside was helped by being lonely. Or maybe it's because you didn't have anyone around to judge you. It'll all come busting out someday. 

You've quit talking to Sam. Pretty much only when you had to talk to him. One night it got particularly bad for you. With losing your eyesight so new and the thoughts weighing heavier, you got up and snuck into Sam's room. He was asleep and you almost went back but for some reason you knew that just having another body would help. You quietly shut the door and crawled into beside him. He woke then of course and sputtered and asked questions but you just shushed him and scooted closer. Laying your hand on his chest was helping relax you. Sam finally gave up talking and moved for you to have more room. Throwing the blanket over you he murmured goodnight and moved you to where you could hear his heartbeat. The next day was terrible though. He hovered and catered and essentially walked on glass the whole time. You hated yourself for it but you shut him out after that. 

Dean was better and he understood. You went to him once a few days after Sam. You knocked on his door and couldn't even look him in the eyes. He pulled you in, put a movie on, and wrapped a blanket around you. He didn't talk, didn't push. You had fallen asleep and woke up slightly when was carrying you back to your room. You barely felt his lips brush your temple and he was gone. Right before falling asleep you realize he had given you his pillow. 

You ended up shutting him out too. After all the patience in the world, it was his eyes. Their eyes. The mix of concern and worry just weighing on you. You were an asshole to both of them and you knew it. But if you told them, then wouldn't that make you just a different type of asshole? Bringing them into a problem that you knew they would try their best to fix and couldn't? Setting them up for failure? No thank you. Better to the asshole you know....better the devil you know...something along those lines. 

Now that you've throughly depressed yourself you decide to call it a night, grab some ice cream, and go home. Pulling into the nearest store you could find, you go in and grab a pint of the most chocolately ice cream they sell along with a bottle of chocolate syrup. The sleepy cashier rings you up and you walk back to the truck. Right before you start it, you see a flash of blue in the woods. You instantly go in high alert. You scan the tree line for anything. You slow your breathing down to listen for any kind of noise. Minutes tick by and nothing happens. No sounds. Rubbing your eyes you chalk it up to being 2am and tired. You pull out your phone and check for messages or calls but of course there are none. The boys have been less frequent about checking in. Throwing your phone in the seat you go to start the truck and hear a scream this time, followed by another flash of blue light. Without hesistating you grab the gun and knife from the glove box and run towards the woods. 

You knew that you should probably be quiet instead of running full tilt but for some reason you felt like you had to get there quickly. You kept pushing faster. It didn't matter that you tripped every few steps. Or that branches on shrubs were cutting you. All that mattered was getting there. Another screamed ripped through the air and you skidded to a stop. A few yards away you saw a shadow of something. You slowly make your way towards it. Voices start to trickle in. When you were just a few yards away, you pull out the pistol and crouch. There were bodies on the ground. He was talking to one of them. You couldn't make out what was being said but there was no anger in his voice. Just to hear it you would've thought that he was having an everyday conversation about the weather. You watched as he crouched down and pick up something from one of the bodies. You worked on slowing your heartrate in order to get a good shot. 

"I wouldn't do that little human". He turned and looked right at you. You tighten your grip and take a long breath. "You don't want to be in the middle of this." You breath again, aiming for the kneecap, and pull the trigger. You see the man stagger back but otherwise make no noise. 

"You have a lot to learn. And you're lucky that I have a schedule that I need to stick to. As it is, I'm already running late. While I enjoy the thought of killing you for stupidly trying to put a bullet in me, I must pass this time. I hope we meet again though." And he vanishes. You stare wondering if he's really gone. One of the bodies moans. You run over to the nearest one. You feel the breath punch out of you when you see them. Those colors. You've seen them before. Angels.

"Hey, hey it's ok, stay with me." You put your hand over it's throat. Blue gas is trying to escape through your fingers.

You desperately try to think of a way to save them. You look around. There's seven bodies in total. Only three still have some color. The angel grabs your wrist. "Y/N? I've heard of you."

"Tell me how to save you! Who can I pray to?"

"No. No one. We aren't wanted by other angels. We are outcasted because we sided with Castiel."

"Then he'll come for you right?"

"Castiel is gone. Missing. We were trying to find him."

"I can't let you die! Tell me what to do." You put your other hand over the angel's throat. The blue gas is still leaking out. "There has to be a way," you cry in desperation.

"Take my grace."

You look at the angel like she's crazy. "I'm human and you'll die."

"You're mostly human and I'm dying anyway."

"What good is your grace going to do me?"

"Use it to find Castiel. He's mentioned you. He needs to be found."

"I've prayed to him. I've never heard a word."

"He's hunted by everyone. But he's not wrong. Please take my grace and the others. Our time is done."

"What do you mean he's not wrong?"

"You have to do it now, it'll last you for a while but not for very long." You swallow hard looking at the other two. "Please."

"What do I do?"

"You inhale. From me and the others. It should be enough altogether."

You slightly nod your head. You put your mouth close to the angels throat and inhale. You watch with wide eyes as the little bit of blue gas trickles from her throat into your mouth. The other two were close enough to crawl to. They were unconscious thankfully. After doing the same you crawl back to the other angel. "I'm sorry. I wanted to save you."

The angel grabs your hand shakily. "Save Castiel. That's what matters." The angel takes her final breath. You close your eyes. You couldn't save them. How were you supposed to save Cas?

You cry out in pain. Something feels like it burned your leg. You look over at the other two angels. There were wings burned into the ground beside them. You feel pain in your hand and hastily drop the angels hand you were holding. 'What the hell?' Before you could figure it out, a burning sensation starts in your chest. You fall sideways as the pain starts radiating through your body. With every pump of your heart, the burning spread until every part of you hurt. You writhe on the ground trying desperately to think of a way to get it to stop. The intensity kept rising and you felt like you kept getting hotter. Like the worst fever you had multiplied by ten. You tried crying out but no sound would come. The pain was spiraling out of control when hit a peak. You felt like your whole body was burning. Each pulse took your breath away. You were losing consciousness. But the pain never subsided. Even when your vision was going dark and your limbs starting to relax, you felt the pain. It was acute, piercing. It consumed you. It was the only thing that existed and continued to exist. 

*******************************************

You felt the rain first. The soft droplets hitting your body. It was soothing. Memories of what happened gently flowed back. You weren't alarmed by them. You didn't panic. You merely took in the information and knew that you had to stay calm. You sat up slowly looking around. The bodies were gone, but the outline of the wings were still there. Standing up you tried to brush off the dirt. Hissing when you hit a spot on your legs, you looked down. You had burn marks on your legs. Lifting up your left hand you notice that its burned as well. You look back at the ground again. The burns from the angel's wings stop where you were laying. You got the tip of one wing across the side of your right foot, the middle of a wing on the back of your left thigh, and worst of it from your left hand. This burn started at your hand and fore-arm that stretched across starting from your ribcage to your abdomen. You slowly peeled what was left of your shirt down. Looking around you notice that your vision has changed. The trees and plants looked like they were slightly moving. Like they were buzzing with energy. You could see colors in full swing again, more vibrant than ever. You silently said thank you to the angels and started walking. 

Having no idea where to begin to find Cas, you head in the direction of your truck. It wasn't too difficult to find the path you had taken. You wonder how in the world you're going to explain everything to Sam and Dean. You really are going to have to come clean this time. They're going to be so pissed. 

You finally reach the edge of the woods. Sighing you look across the parking lot. There was no sign of the truck. 'Maybe the owner had it towed. Someone probably stole it. I did leave my keys and phone.' Just to be safe you walk along the inside edge of the woods further down the road. This store was maybe a fifteen minute drive from the bunker. You couldn't stop someone with the way you looked. They'd probably call the cops. 'Looks like I'm just going to hoof it.' Thankfully the bunker is pretty obscure and you wouldn't have to go through town where there's people. Of course with it being dark cause of the storm you hardly doubted it would matter. It didn't seem like anyone was out. 

After about an hour a car passes by and you duck behind a tree just in case. You stare after it and realize that you can see a orange glow from within the car. Puzzled you keep walking. Another car passes and this time you just stop and stare. This one had two, one orange and one yellow. The car passes. You keep walking thinking about the colors. When it hits you, you resist the urge to slap yourself. "Y/N you dense motherfucker! Its souls! You're a psuedo-angel-ish human now. You see their whole soul, not a little bit of it." You cover your mouth since you just yelled at yourself outloud. Then wanted to hit yourself yourself again because nobody was around. 

Another 10 mins and you found yourself back at the bunker. Digging around for keys and realizing 'oh yeah they're in the truck I don't have' you make your way over the hill to the garage. Once there at the door you turn left and count out fifteen paces, ten paces again to the left then five paces right. There was a tree that you put a rock beside with a spare key. Grabbing it you make your way back to the bunker door. You had made an extra and left it after locking yourself out when the boys were on a hunt and didn't come back for three days. 

Sighing you open the door, "Sam! Dean! I'm home!" You look around. There's books left out but no one answers. You look through the kitchen and head down the hallway into their rooms. Rifling through Sam's drawers you tried finding a spare phone. Not coming up with anything you look through Dean's room. 'Nada. Well great.' Wandering back through the kitchen you grab some water and immediately spit it out. 'What the hell? This tastes weird.' You grab another one and it tastes the same. "Oh right psuedo-angel." Sighing you close the fridge and decide to just hit the shower and wait for them to come back. Maybe if you're lucky they would've been gone on the hunt and not noticed that you've been missing. 'Yeah right there's books on the table that I didn't leave'. Grabbing some clothes from your room you power up your laptop to check the date. 'Oh no. Oh shit. Thursday? When was that? Was it Saturday or Sunday when I left? Oh god no it was Saturday. The store's not open Sunday. Oh fuck they're going to kill me! I've been missing for five days. Fuck...yeah...I'm dead.' 

You grab a towel and proceeded to take the most stressful shower in existence. How were you going to start? What were you going to say? 'So yeah I left the bunker at midnight and basically had a pout-fest slash existential crisis that ended with me getting chocolate ice cream that I never got to eat. And I really meant to go home. But instead a saw a blue light and left my keys and phone but took the gun and knife and tried to kill a supernatural being. That was unsuccessful so instead I absorbed the remaining grace from three angels effectively killing them and now I have superpowers. But the pain from the grace knocked me out and I walked back whenever I woke up. So essentially, my bad, I lost track of time. What. The. Fuck. This is not going to go well at all.' Still stressing you start to wash the conditioner out of your hair when the shower curtain is pulled back abruptly and two guns are pointed in your face. 

You scream over the chorus of "where were you" "what the hell" "oh thank god" and "tell me what happened".

"Could you please hand me a fucking towel first?!"

Sam's sputtering and trying to cover his eyes while finding a towel, while Dean has you locked down staring into your eyes. You're embarassed but he's looking at your face and nothing else. You can tell he's about to pop a vein with how pissed he looks. Some residual soap drips down your eye and you turn off the shower and wipe your face. Dean's hand shoots out and grabs you and pulls you out of the tub. "Dean what the hell?!"

Dean's looking at your body now. You instantly go red and try to back away. He tightens the hold on your wrist. You know he sees the burn marks, every second that ticks by his hand tightens. Finally you whimper a bit, "Dean, please, you're hurting me." Dean looks into your eyes with a wild look. "I'm burned there too. Please be gentle." Tears are starting to form. Dean releases his hold and gently looks at your wrist. Sam finally throws a towels around you. 

"It's you? I don't have to test you? Tell me it's you."

"Yeah it's me, promise."

Dean engulfs you into a hug. "I'm so sorry Dean. I didn't mean to. I've been such an ass. I'm sorry." You sob into his chest.

"You should be. And I'm pretty pissed but even more than that I'm relieved that you're safe."

You turn to Sam. "I..."

"You're here now. That's all that matters. Dry off and we'll talk ok?"

You nod wiping your eyes, "yeah...ok".

******

After you explained everything, you were spent. You felt better, finally coming clean with what you've been hiding, but you were exhausted. Dean argued and said that you should've come clean sooner but shut up when Sam reminded him that the same could've been said about some things he did. Sam let you know that they had gotten a lead on Cas a few months back but lost it and haven't found anything since. They had been searching as much as they could but didn't want to worry you. Guess everybody was keeping secrets.

Sam ruffled his hair in frustration, "so this angel said to take her grace to find Cas but never told you how or even where to start?"

"No," you sighed heavily, "I tried asking her but she wouldn't answer. She was adamant that I take her grace while she still had some. I don't know how it helps. I see souls more clearly than ever. I mean, I have to concentrate in order to see your face clearly. But it's not like I have a homing beacon to find him."

"Can you teleport?" 

You looked at Dean puzzled, "well if I could then I walked back here in the rain for nothing. I haven't tried. I wouldn't know where to begin. I know water tastes weird. But strange thing is, I'm not hungry or thirsty. I grabbed it out of habit." You yawn. "I am tired though. But you know that whole time I was walking back, I was fine. I mean I should've felt uncomfortable or cold or...something. But I barely noticed it. I tried to find a phone to call you guys when I got back but there wasn't any."

"Yeah, Dean suggested that we take all of them just in case you called."

"Well, I didn't know which number she would remember."

"So what happened when you guys got back?"

Dean shifted in his seat, "we didn't think much of it at first. Sam sent you a text letting you know that we were home. It was early Monday morning. He mentioned that sometimes you left at night." You look at your lap. "You've wanted to be alone here lately so we figured we'd leave you be."

"Since we're being honest here, I followed you the first couple of times." Sam clears his throat, "it never was because I didn't trust you. I wanted to make sure that you were safe. I thought several times that you knew that I was following you. That's why you never stopped anywhere. It hit me after the fourth time that you just needed to get out. I stopped after that."

You rubbed your arm, "I believe you. I honestly never wanted to push you guys away. I feel ashamed that I did that. I just didn't know what to do." 

"Well when Sam and I started stirring again by Monday afternoon and you weren't here, that's when we knew something was wrong. We split up and searched. Your phone kept going to voicemail. We found your truck at the store. We looked for the rest of the day."

"So we questioned people in town and no one had seen you. We tried... everything."

You looked at Sam worried, "what do you mean by everything?"

"He means that he summoned a demon to find you."

You stood up so quickly that it knocked your chair back. "What the hell were you thinking, Sam?! A demon! They're dangerous! Or are you so immune to that fact now that you just think it's ok to call one up whenever?!"

"You were gone! No trace, no message, nothing! We didn't much else to go on! What was I supposed to do?!"

"Fucking put out an APB or something! Not that!! 'Oh I'm Sam and I can't find my friend so I'm gonna phone a demon and they'll cooperate and find her for me'." You started pacing back and forth beside the table.

"I didn't have another choice."

You almost choked on your rage. "You didn't...a choice? You selling your soul IS NOT A FUCKING CHOICE SAM!!!"

"Y/N settle down-"

"No Dean, shut up, the choice here would be letting me die, NOT FUCKING KILLING YOURSELF! HOW STUPID ARE YOU? What if I was already dead and the demon just led you to my corpse? Technically he found me, but oh guess what, now you spend an ETERNITY IN HELL!! CONGRATS FUCKFACE, YOU JUST PLAYED YOURSELF!!!"

"Y/N..."Dean started.

"WHAT?!"

"Your eyes are blue. Can you please calm down? You might smite Sam." You stare at Dean trying to comprehend what he's saying. "Or smite me...you know...with angel juice." 

"Oh god," you pick the chair back up and sit. "Oh I'm sorry." You look over at Sam and grab his hand. He looks at you worried. "Shit Sam I'm sorry. I know your heart's in the right place but that's gotta be the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"It's ok. It is. But I'd do it again, even though it got us nowhere."

"What?"

"Yeah the demon said he had no idea and Sam thought he was lying. So he tortured him and finally gave up and just killed him."

You lean back in your chair and push on your temples, "Dean, do we have anything to drink?"

"Yeah, do you think that's a good idea?"

"I don't give a rats ass honestly." Dean sighed and went to get some whiskey. "Sam, I'd asked you to never do that again and make you promise. And you would, you'd promise, but it won't mean shit. Cause you'd do it again if you had to. So I'm just gonna pretend like you never even told me this and go on with my life."

You could've sworn that you felt Sam's smile, "sounds good to me." Sam grabs you up out of your seat and sits you in his lap. "I am glad you're safe and I haven't got to hug you since you've been back."

You feel the tension start to release a little. "Thank you. For trying to find me. Even though your methods are screwed up."

Dean slides a glass over to you. You take a swig and choke it down. Coughing you take another drink and choke that one down too. Dean lifts at eyebrow at you. "I guess I'm just tasting molecules. This angels shit sucks."

"But you're not really an angel right? I mean you said you were tired."

"I am. I haven't tried to sleep but I think I could. I'm just a psuedo-angel. Well that's what I've been calling it."

Dean smiles at you, "so a humangel? Or an anguman? A wingless homo-angel-sapien? Is there a scientific name for angels?"

Sam bends his head down bumping your head. "No Dean," he groans through your hair, "no there's not."

You laugh. "How about just humanoid?"

"No too modern. Angels are old." Dean says lost in thought.

"Technically Y/N is nephilim way down the line, it's just diluted."

"No that's way too long of a name Sam. That won't work."

Sam scoffs. "Whatever. I'm going to bed. We're going to have to figure this out another day."

"Sam, I told you, the name is..."

"Not the name, jerk. Cas and Y/N's powers and how to use them." Sam gives you one last hug and leave you in his seat.

"Night Sam."

You swirl the whiskey around the glass and take another drink. "Still shit. That's depressing."

Dean looks at you hard, "you do realize that something's probably gonna happen that you won't like?"

You sigh, "yeah I kind of figured."

"Like one thing is that we're never let you out of our sight for a long while." You look up at him. He's bouncing his head. "You may have to pee with me in the bathroom." 

You laugh at him, "I'll have Sam pick up a lot of asparagus."

"Why?"

"It makes it stink if you eat a lot."

Dean looks horrified, "why would you do that to me?" 

"What if I'm on my period?"

"I'll just stand outside the door then." 

You laugh and stand up to hug him. You hold tighter than usual. "How am I gonna find him?"

"I have an idea, but you won't like it."

You sigh, "of course. I'm just going to have to suck it up."

"That's my girl."

"Well what it is?"

"Just a call to an acquaintance of ours."

"I already don't like the sound of it. Who?"

"Crowley."

You pull back from the hug, "who's Crowley?"

"A demon Y/N. Well the demon."

"...THE demon?"

"He's the king of hell."

**************

You're pacing around and around the room. The boys have gathered everything and setting the table for the summoning. "I don't understand. He's the king of hell. I mean you've called him and left messages. He didn't respond so clearly he doesn't want to talk to you. So instead you're just gonna zap him from wherever into a trap and piss him off more? Do you regularly carry out stupid plans like this?"

The boys stopped momentarily and look at one another. You throw up your hands. "Of course. I mean why wouldn't you? You just do this for a living. Fuck me, right? What do I know?"

"Alright mother, quit your bitching. Its for a good cause."

You look sidelong at Dean, "you know damn well Cas wouldn't like this".

"Au contere mon frere," Dean gives you a small smirk, "Cas and Crowley are pretty much besties."

Your jaw drops. "Alright, think we're ready to go. Wanna do the honors?" Dean pauses and holds up the matches. "No? Alright then." Dean strikes a match, "Crowley, Crowley, come out wherever you are."

The match drops and the bowl smokes with little fanfare. You're anxious. Rubbing your arms, you stare at the devil's trap belatedly wondering if that thing would still work on the king of hell. Granted you trusted the boys, but they weren't exactly known for being careful or thorough for that matter. 

"Crowley come on, we've got other shit to do too," Dean says to the empty devil's trap.

"Come now squirrel, the anticipation only hightens the pleasure." Crowley looks over to you. "Well what a beautiful little concoction we've got here. What is your name love?"

You felt it the instant before he appeared. It was like molasses lodged in your chest. When you laid eyes on him, you bristled and your grace reacted. All you saw was a storm of black ink, billowing around the man that stood there. Everything in your being screamed to kill this demon. Letting out a snarl you didn't know you were capable of, you launched yourself at him.

"Whoa, whoa," Dean grabbed you before you got to him. "Take it easy."

You turned your rage onto Dean, "he is to be destroyed! He's scum! Can't you see? There's not a part of his soul that isn't stained!" Dean was struggling to pull you away. You grabbed his arm trying to loosen his hold. "Let me go now Dean. This is the only warning you'll get. I promise you."

Sam moved to stand in between you and Crowley. "You have to push past whatever this is because if you kill him, you'll never find Cas."

You knew Sam was right, but it was a struggle to push it down. Everytime you thought you had a leash on it, it flared back up. "I'm trying. I can't get it under control."

"I can help with that love," Crowley drawls from behind Sam.

Your stolen grace flared, "don't speak to me demon". Crowley steps from behind Sam and snaps his fingers. You instantly go weak and lean your weight into Dean. Dean looks at Sam concerned. You grab your chest. "What did you do?"

Crowley sighs, "that grace isn't yours doll. It's not strong enough to smite me. Lesser demons sure, but not me love. And all I did was contain it within."

You throw your arm around Dean in order to straighten yourself. Dean wraps an arm around your waist, "let me get a chair."

"No I can do this." You may not be able to kill Crowley, but you'll be damned if you were going to show how weak you were.

Dean looked over to Crowley, "look we need to find Cas".

"I know, you called."

"Then why haven't you answered?" 

Crowley looks over at Sam, "your brother, he's like an ex that won't move on. I've been busy squirrel."

"Look, we just need some info," Sam said. "We need a lead."

Crowley looks over at you, "you need more than a lead. That girl you've got there, I don't know how she got that grace but I can guarantee you that she didn't kill for it."

"They were dying. They willing gave it away. She told me to find Cas. That this would help."

Crowley tsked, "and it will, but not if you can't harness it."

You sighed, "she said it wouldn't last long. I have to learn it quick."

Sam clears his throat, "you will. Crowley, are you going to help us or not".

"Samantha, you were always my favorite. I'm feeling generous. Well not generous, but this whole Castiel thing has upset the balance of hell. So how about we break this trap and talk about this like gentleman?"

Sam looks over at Dean and you shift more of your weight onto Dean. Dean's jaw ticks and meets Sam's stare. Sam scraps his shoe across the paint. "Alright Crowley, let's hear it."

"Well then, let's get us a drink."

Dean helps you shuffle to the table, "you ok?" he whispers.

"Yeah, I'm weak but fine. Can I have some water?" You rub your chest. You can feel a ball of your grace churning inside.

Sam takes a seat beside you, as Crowley takes a seat across the table from Sam. Sam barely touches his fingertips against your leg. You squeeze his hand quickly in response. Dean comes back with your water and a beer for him and Sam. Dean settles in his chair and lifts an eyebrow at Crowley. "So let's hear it, Crowley, what do you got?"

Crowley looks at his lack of drink, "right. So here's the deal. Your little pet has caused quite a stir. He's wanted by heaven and now by hell. One of my little minions have been searching for Castiel. He seems to have a grudge against me, which is quite a dilemma since I'm such a lovely person. He wants Castiel for himself as leverage."

Sam leans forward, "leverage for what?"

"Come on moose, you're not that dense." Crowley looks around the table at blank stares. "Really?! How you two have lived this long is beyond me. Stephen is trying to capture Castiel in order to bargain with the angels. He turns him over and in return, the angels overthrow me so that he can take the throne."

You chuckle, "I'm sorry did you say the demon's name is Stephen?"

Crowley smiles, "might as well be. I think his real name starts with a D or some other letter. Either way, he's become quite a pain in my ass and my little demons can't catch him. So I guess it's in my best interest to help you find him. And helping your little friend here. My dear, we're still not properly introduced, I'm Crowley."

"Y/N. And how exactly will you help me?" You take a drink of your water and curl your nose up.

"I see that grace has left some unsavory effects on you.I want the giraffe found as well. Just for different reasons. That stolen grace of yours can find him. But you aren't of any use if you're not strong enough to harness it."

You sit back in your chair skeptically, "and a demon can teach me that"?

"The demon, my dear. I can, but not here."

"She's not leaving our side, Crowley," Dean scoots his chair back. "No way, we do it here or not at all."

Crowley eyes Dean, "I'm not going to hurt her. She's useful in finding that stupid little angel and a key for me to keep my throne. She needs to be able to harness that grace and what better training than with other demons?" 

Sam gestures to Crowley, "Dean's right. We're not letting you take her."

"She's got a month maybe two if we're that lucky. She won't be able to find him after that. How long have you two tried? Months? A year? She has to be taught quickly."

"We'll do it then," Dean says.

Crowley shakes his head, "what do you know about grace? She has to go on a rescue mission. She'll have to kill angels or demons or both to get Castiel to safety. It's me or no one at all. Look at her. She can't even recover from her little outburst."

It true. You were barely holding yourself up in the chair. "If it's the only way..."

"No!" Dean slams his fist. "We'll figure out something else."

Crowley leans over the table to you, "it must be hard living with these two. They never ask your opinion, do they? You know they won't let you. You want to do this. You want your angel back. You want him safe. But these two won't cave. Like it or not, I'm your only hope and you know it."

Dean grabs Crowley by his jacket, "time for you to go."

Crowley holds his hand up, "no need for that". He stands up and straightens his jacket. "When you two get done pissing away precious time, call me."

Sam stands, "we don't think so".

Crowley winks at you, "see you soon my dear," and vanishes.

The ball in your chest releases and you slump forward over the table. Sam grabs you and helps you sit back. "I'm ok Sam, just tired."

"I'll help you to bed."

You try getting out of your chair but everthing is so weak. Your arms won't even lock to help push yourself up. Sam picks you up carefully and nods at his brother.

You stay silent as Sam tucks you into bed and starts picking up things in your room. He leaves without saying a word. You roll over on your side and replay everything Crowley said. Sam returns in a few minutes later and you hear the chime of your phone being plugged into its charger. "I brought you some water just on case."

You clear your throat. "You know he's right."

Sam goes still, "we've always found another way."

You roll back over to look at Sam. "You won't this time."

"You don't understand what he's asking you. He's going to take you to hell. He's going to have you at his mercy. He'll train you against demons. We can't trust him."

"If what he says is true. He has a lot to lose if that demon finds Cas before we do."

"Y/N, we can't let you do this. We'll find something else."

"Sam, it's Cas. I can't afford to not do this."

Sam stares at you. He opens his mouth to say something and shuts it. 

"Sam, what?"

He looks down at his hands, "goodnight Y/N." 

You grab Sam's hand. "Tell me."

Sam stares at your hand over his. He gets up to leave. "Sam..."

"Call us if you need something," he says over his shoulder and shuts your door.

You roll back over. Somehow that hurt more than the last few days combined. 

You try to sleep. You really do. But everytime you started thinking about Cas. How he'd be on the run for so long. Hunted by his own kind and demons alike. You were pissed when he stopped seeing you. 'He was probably trying to keep us safe but he could've sent a text or an email.' You went still with fear. 'What if he couldn't? What if he is hurt? Or captured?' These thoughts kept you awake even though you were bone tired. 'Crowley. I'm going to have to call Crowley. You grab your phone. 'I don't have his number.' You set your phone back down. You try to sit up but you were still so weak. 'Tomorrow. I'll get into Dean's phone or summon him.' You look at the time. As much as you wanted to do it now, your body won't let you. You sigh and settle in. 'Please be ok. I'm coming for you Cas.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love hearing from you guys. If you liked it or hated it take a minute and let me know. Lots of love from me to you!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What have you become? You're not going to like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse any spelling errors or any errors in general. I write late at night or early in the morning and english suffers greatly during this time.

Tomorrow turned out to be almost a week later before you had your chance. You were under what you could only assume was house arrest. Sam was trying to find ways in which you could tap into the grace without exhausting yourself. Dean tried, unsuccessfully, to get you to teleport. Each time you tried using the grace, it never worked. When it did work, it never did what you wanted. Then you were weak again and had to sleep just to start it all over again. The boys were getting more frustrated by the day and so were you.

Your grace was a blessing and a curse. You recovered quickly and have only been sleeping a couple of hours each night. Each time you made yourself weak, you could sleep for an hour and be re-energized. However, no amount of research could help in using it right. You tried focusing in on it. It felt like a cloud in your chest. You could almost map out where it set in your body. But getting it to do something was impossible. You imagined molding it like putty and trying to move it into another area. You would concentrate and get all the little wispy tendrils into a ball, only for it to fall apart whenever you made the slightest bit of movement. You tried creating movement first to get it to move in a general direction and all it did was dissipate then reconnect when you stopped making it move. If it did something, it was mainly a stream or a flash and something in bunker got destroyed. You huffed for the thousandth time that day.

The boys were sitting and eating dinner. You haven't moved from the spot on your couch in hours, trying anything and everything to make some leeway with this grace. You tried one more time only to get it into a ball once more, then it didn't budge when you tried moving it. Slamming your hands down on the couch, you propel yourself up and go over to the table with the boys.

"You'll get there, Y/N" Sam said contritely.

You huff again, "no I won't. It's not doing a damn thing. It's like a stubborn little teenager. You give it a small nudge into a direction to go or what you want it to do and it instantly does the exact opposite. Mostly it's just falling apart, but this last time it was like 'nope, fuck you, not gonna do it', and just goes lead weight and won't budge." You lean foward and let your head drop onto the table. "I can't figure out how to get it to work."

Dean looks over at Sam and back at your sullen form, "would it help if I got you some ice cream or chocolate?"

Sam furiously shakes his head no. You let out a pitiful moan. "No. Dean. My grace makes it taste like I'm licking a copper pipe with burned oil." You sigh again and lean back to slump in your chair.

Dean shoves a forkful of food in his mouth, "you're not cute when you pout".

You scoff, "don't give a shit and you're never cute."

Dean rolls his eyes. "Good one."

"Hey, maybe," Sam interrupts, "maybe sleeping for an hour doesn't fully recharge it. Maybe it recharges you but not the grace and that's why its unusable."

"Fat lot of good that does me." You straighten up in your chair a bit, "if that was the case, I physically cannot stay asleep for more than 2 hours max. What do you suggest I do?"

"A spell."

"Since when did you become a witch, Sammy?" Dean looked less than positive about Sam's idea.

"Spells are simple enough. Not much different then summoning a demon. Some ingredients, some words, poof you go to sleep." Sam excitedly stood up and started searching for his laptop.

Dean takes a large bite of a meatball and shoves the majority of it to the side of his mouth so that he can talk, "Sammy's gonna make you go night-night."

You tear a piece of breadstick off Sam's plate and flick it at Dean. He unsuccessfully tries to catch it in his already full mouth. "You're an idiot." Dean chuckles a little and keeps chewing his food. "Plus Sam is more likely to put me in a coma and I'll wake up the day after the grace wears off."

Sam comes back with the laptop and starts searching for spells. Its a long shot that Sam's theory is right but there really isn't anything else to go on. Sam quickly scans through different websites while finishing dinner. "Dude did you eat my breadstick?"

"Oh my god Sam, who cares," you whine.

Sam throws you a quick bitchface and returns to his laptop.

To be honest, you were nervous. You've been trying to steal phones or the list you would need to summon Crowley, but you've always come up short. The boys had successfully hid everything in the bunker and you weren't about to try some random summoning posted online. They always made sure to have their phones on them and one of them was always awake, no matter what. They slept on shifts and rarely did you have a moment without one of them in the room. Guess Sam had talked to Dean about what you said that night. This spell could be your escape. If you played your cards right, maybe you can turn the spell on them, leaving you with enough time to call Crowley.

"This one," you jumped at Sam's voice. You look over at Dean to see that he's got a watchful eye on you even through his peripheral. "This doesn't take a whole lot of ingredients and it's supposed to work for 6-8 hours."

Dean clears his throat, "just like the doctor ordered". He gets up to take the plate to the kitchen, "do we need a supply run?"

Sam shakes his head. "I think we've got everything here. Let me go check."

You stare at the door Sam left through. "What's with you?" Dean's still standing there.

"We need this to work." You know Dean's suspicious. You can tell by the hard stare and stance. "If Crowley's right and I only have a month...I was lost for almost a week and now with all this...it's been, what, 10, 11 days? We're using time we don't have."

"He said it could be two months." 

You rub your eyes, "yea, maybe we'll get lucky".

"Hey," you look back up at Dean, "we'll find a way."

You stare after his retreating form, 'for being such unlucky and sacrificial bastards you have a weird form of optimism'.

"Y/N, I can have this ready in about an hour," Sam says while coming back. He lays out some items, including a weird looking bone and a vial of something that contains some brown liquid. You pick it up and turn it to the side. It doesn't budge. You give the vial a little shake and it finally releases and plops to the side with an abnormally loud squelching sound. You gag. "Do I have to drink this?"

Sam looks over at you and grabs the vial out of your hand. He keeps scrolling on the laptop. "Not sure." 

You sigh and leave to grab a book. An hour to kill.

************************

Some time later the boys come into your room. Sam's carefully carrying a bowl. Dean grabs your nightstand and draws some symbols in chalk. 

"Go sit on the bed." You look at Dean in confusion. "If this works quickly, then you're already on the bed and you don't drop in the middle of a room."

"Right," you sit and watch Dean work. He moves the table to the front of your legs. Checking to make sure all of his lines are good, he then pulls out four candles and starts to light them. "The candles are a nice touch Dean but I'm not into you like that."

Dean barely cracks a smile, "we'll see after a couple of beers". He stands up, "alright Sam I believe its good."

Sam places the bowl carefully in the middle of the symbols. The nauseating smell makes you lean back. "Oh what the hell?" You bury your nose in your shirt. "For fuck's sake please tell me that I'm not drinking that."

"No but you do have to breathe it in deeply after I say the spell."

You stare at the contents of the bowl. "It looks like there's a liver floating in there."

Sam ignores you and pulls out a piece of paper. He starts reading in Latin. Now's your chance. "Ok, now breathe." You pick up the bowl and splash it into both of their faces. You stare at them a moment, still holding the bowl. Nothing happens. 

"Oh....um..." Sam and Dean are both staring at you with murder in their eyes, "I, um...yeah". 

Dean starts to say something and coughs instead. Sam grabs him and starts coughing himself. You stand there helplessly while both of them are wracked with coughing fits. Seconds later, both drop to the ground. 

You run over with your heart beating in your throat. "Oh thank god, a pulse." You dig into Dean's pocket and grab his phone. You're about to leave the room when you turn back to the boys. You grab a pillow to put under each of their heads and cover them up. As an added touch, you leave a note. "'Sorry. Please don't hate me. Love you."' Yeah they're gonna hate you a little bit.

You scroll through the contacts until you find Crowley's number and hit send.

"Hello Dean."

"It's me."

"Well it is. And how can I make your day better?"

"Come get me, quickly. I don't know how much time I have."

"And just what have you-"

"Crowley please, just hurry."

"No need-" you jump as Crowley appears beside you and hangs up. You felt your grace start to stir only to be immediately caged again.

Stupidly, you swat his arm, "don't do that."

Crowley looks amused at the fact you hit him, "why the rush"? You gesture to the lumps on the ground. "What did you do?"

"It was a sleeping spell. Sam thought it would recharge my grace since I can't get it to do anything. And I barely sleep."

Crowley tsked, "wouldn't have worked anyway." He tilts his head to the side. "At least you made them comfortable."

"I don't know when they'll wake up but I won't need to be here. I'm running out of time."

"Just say the magic words."

You look at him in confusion, "abracadabra?"

He audibly sighs, "no but that'll do." He holds out his hand.

You hesitate. You look back at Sam and Dean and back at Crowley. You just knocked out the two people who care for you the most, to go to hell with the King who you can't trust. 

"Y/N, I have no ill will towards you. I need him found. Just like you. I will not hurt you, not now anyway. While you're with me, you won't be harmed. I can't say the same after you leave to find the angel, but for now you'll be safe." 

Here's to doing things we don't like. You place your hand in his. "Fair enough." 

******************

You have no idea what you thought hell would be, but it definitely wasn't this. The large room contained neatly stacked book on the tables and shelfs. There was a chaise in one corner with a blanket thrown over the arm. You walked around to Crowley's desk. Papers were scattered here and there with a half empty glass of scotch. Everything was clean, tidy. Definitely not what you thought hell would be.

"It seems odd, you know." Crowley raised his eyebrows in question. "Where's the fire and torture and the gnashing of teeth?"

"Well my dear, after a couple of millenia that gets old. It's quite hard to rest while a few hundred thousand souls' screams are echoing down the hallway."

You shiver. That is definitely something you don't want to experience. "So what now?"

Crowley walks back over to you. "Probably dinner, a drink or two. It's not often I get to entertain guests."

You scrunch your nose, "I'm hardly a guest. And we're on a time schedule. I'd like to get through this as quickly as possible."

"And we will, however, as it seems like you've had a rough few days I figured dinner would be nice."

"You're a demon, you don't do nice." Crowley looks affronted by your statement. You take a moment to silently panic. 'Oh god, Y/N, you really need to watch you're mouth. You're way out of your league here.'

Crowley grabs your arm and sits you down on the chaise. "I am trying to be cordial. We're working toward a common purpose. Do you really think I like a beacon like yourself here? To all these demons, you're basically an angel. In hell." Crowley pauses and rubs his beard. "They can sense you. They want to kill you. It's me standing between them. And for the duration of your stay, that's how it'll be."

You take a deep breath. 'Great. I'm really at the mercy of this guy.' You look around the room rubbing your arm. 'Gotta hand it to myself. I've really started putting myself in terrible situations.'

Crowley puts a hand on yours, stopping your nervous tic. "I promised you safety and if there's one thing I do, it's keeping promises. Now, you have unanswered questions. So dinner?"

"My grace doesn't let me eat."

Crowley pulls you to your feet. "It's contained now. You can eat, without all those nasty side effects."

You grab onto his wrists, "are you serious? I can have food!?"

Crowley chuckles, "whatever you would like dear."

"Oh then pizza. No...pasta. Or chicken. Lemon pepper chicken. Oh my gosh, can I have those biscuits from Red Lobster? What are they called? Cheddar bay biscuits or something? Those are ah-maze-zing!" Crowley looks at you like you've lost your mind. You sheepishly try to tone down your excitement. "You're right, I guess it's silly to get this excited over food. I just missed it."

"We'll just pick one tonight and save the rest for another day."

"Pasta then? Can I have some wine?"

Crowley smiles gently, "it's a requirement my dear."

"Cabernet sauvignon please."

"Really? I would've taken you for a moscato type of woman."

"Ugh," you place your hand over your chest acting like you've been hurt, "seriously? No thank you. I prefer reds. Plus I like the bite."

Crowley gives you a full genuine smile, "as well I, my dear. Let's go eat."

'What the hell am I doing? Did I just flirt with the king of hell? Is this what I've become?' You follow Crowley out of his office towards what you assumed was the dining room. He slowed his pace to match yours as you walked beside him. You took a minute to look at your surroundings. Hell was dark you'll give it that, but it was kind of homey in a weird way. Crowley moved to where you were walking next to the wall. You fell back in step while looking at the paintings you were passing. 'There's no telling how old, or how much these are worth.' You felt the hairs raise on the back of your neck. Looking forward you realize that there was someone coming towards both of you. You make eye contact with the demon and could feel the hate rolling off of him. 

Crowley clears his throat when he's close. The demon slightly bows his head and breaks eye contact. "Sir." Crowley tips his head in response. 

You give a sidelong glance to Crowley. Once the demon passes, you force yourself not to look back. Crowley stops you with a hand to the small of your back. "Here, my dear." You risk a glance right before you walk through the threshold. The demon is stopped at Crowley's office, staring at you. You drop your eyes and step through. Crowley closes the door behind you. 

He turns back to you, "I should really employ ones with better manners. It's rude to stare at guests."

You belatedly realize that Crowley had placed himself between you and the demon down the hallway. "Does everyone know I'm here?"

Crowley gestures toward a seat at the table. "Yes, only a few know why though. Like I said, your grace is being felt all through hell. We're attuned to it. When I said a beacon, I meant it." You sat down heavily in the seat pulled out for you. "It's pitch black in here and you're the one light that all the bugs are attracted to."

Crowley takes a seat across from you. "But nevermind all that. Eat first, then I'll answer your questions. 

You finally notice the food on the table and was delighted to the see the biscuits in a basket. "Thank you."

"No worries, enjoy."

 

Dinner was...suprisingly pleasant. Crowley told you stories of his time as a crossroads demon and some of the dumb things people would sell their soul for. You had great food, amazing wine, and he was really good company. By the end of it all you were thinking of him more as a person instead of a demon. Which was dangerous, but there it was. You were actually enjoying yourself.

You finally put your fork down and sat back in your chair. "Ugh, I can't remember the last time I gorged myself like this." Crowley looked at you in amusement and refilled your wine glass. "So where do I go from here?"

"Up to you, darling," Crowley spreads his arms out, "I am your servant."

You laugh, "you are rediculous". You thought for a bit. Where do you even start? You take a sip of wine watching the liquid spin around the glass. "Grace seems to affect me in unusual ways. I'm not an angel, but with their powers I only am affected some. So I'm assuming having some sort of angel genetic reacts with that. Why wouldn't I have the powers that angels have if I have their grace?" Crowley is looking at you with a blank expression. "I'm sorry that made no sense. Basically angels don't eat, drink, sleep, etc. I got their grace. I don't eat or drink but I have to sleep a little. Why?"

"There's very few nephilim in this world. Angel's aren't known for their....amorous tendencies. Any nephilim left has long since been diluted. If you were half and half then this would be a different story. Your genetics allow you to receive grace. You do have a very small bit of it. But it just affects you differently since you're mostly human. You still need rest. But your grace sustains you in about everything else." Crowley pauses to take a drink. "You can use it to your benefit, but you have to use it differently than angels. Its their lifeforce, their soul. They cease to exist without it. Using grace is their nature, as easy as drinking for humans."

"How do you know all this? More importantly, how does a demon know how to use grace?"

Crowley sighs like a teacher gathering patience, "I've been around quite some time. I've had my fair share of angels. I've been on the receiving end of that grace and I've also stripped it from them." 

You involuntarily shudder, "when we first met. When I tried to...I guess smite you, why am I so weak?"

"It's simply power, darling. A lot of it. Your human body isn't equipped to handle it. That's why you're here. We've got to harness it correctly or it'll turn on you."

You down the rest of your wine, "what do I have to do?"

"Now? Rest. But after you wake up?" Crowley stands and offers you his arm. "We're gonna play fetch with some demons."

 

Crowley shows you to the room that you'll be staying in. Given the quick circumstances in which you arrived, you were suprised to see a closet with several clothes and fresh flowers by your bed. There was an adjacent bathroom shower complete with a large jacuzzi. Your room was simple with not much furniture. "Where does this door go to?" You point over the the far wall.

Crowley hums, "leads to my quarters."

You're sharing an adjoining room with the king of hell. "So is that blocked off?" 

"Why would it be?" You rub your thumb roughly on the side of your wrist. "Ah, I see. As lovely as you are, forcing myself on women isn't exactly my cup of tea. I prefer them willing and awake." You blush and turn away. "Funny, I could say that about murdering people to. Well, minus the willing part. So, like I said before, you are safe."

Sitting down on the bed you rub your hand over the soft comforter. "Can I ask you a favor?" You wait for a response but are met with silence. "If Sam or Dean call, let them know I'm ok."

Crowley scoffs at you. "If? Those two are stupidly loyal. That'll be the first thing they do when they wake from that little spell they concocted."

You shake your head not really believing it. They will be royally pissed. "Get some rest, doll." Crowley opens the door to your adjoining rooms. "You're gonna need it."

***************

The next day didn't go so well. Crowley spent most of the day with you in some field. He explained that you would have to learn to cage your grace and only tap into it when being used. Since Crowley had it caged already, this was easier said than done. Crowley would release a little bit of your grace until you got it contained. Each time he released a bit, you had to hold the previous spot and get the new one covered. It was like someone had blasted the bottom of a boat with a shotgun and you were in charge of making sure the boat doesn't take in too much water. You failed, a lot. And quite spectacularly. You managed to get half your grace contained with him holding the other half. When you got to about a third of it being held by you, Crowley decides to let the rest go. The ensuing explosion of power knocks both of you down. Crowley recages your grace and picks you up violently from the ground. "What the bloody hell was that?!" 

You lean wearily into his chest, "you let go."

"But you weren't supposed to!" Crowley moves to allow you stand upright. You lock your knees and keep a deathgrip on his arms. "You have to fight this." You slowly release your grip until you felt somewhat steady on your feet. "Again."

Crowley did this with you for hours. You started before the sun had come up and here it was going back down again. Cage. Release. Cage. Release. Exhausted and trembling, you used every ounce of strength you had to keep your grace contained. It was some while after the sun set when he finally got called it quits. You immediately drop to the ground panting. Sweat rolling off of you, you rub a shaking hand over your eyes. Crowley crouches beside you and comes into view. "Good girl." He offers you his hand. "Let's get cleaned up."

Crowley zaps you both back to your room. He deposits you on the seat of the toilet, while he runs the water in your bath. You slump against the wall not caring about anything he did. Every part of your being was calling for sleep. 'He could honestly murder me right now and I wouldn't even make a sound.' Barely keeping your eyes open, you watch as he gathers things for the bath. 

"Come on love. Get in." You moan in protest and weakly try to pull yourself up. Crowley roughly pulls you to your feet.

Lifting your hand you place it in the middle of his chest, "please."

He must've taken some pity on you, because next thing you know, you're being carefully lowered into a steaming bath. You watch through half open eyes in disinterest as he carefully washes your arms. If you weren't as tired as you were, you would've probably freaked out that you were naked in a bath with the king of hell washing your body. You took a second to wonder when your clothes had come off but decided you didn't really care about the answer. Crowley was thorough in washing every part of you. He was talking but you couldn't bring yourself to focus. The rumble of his voice and the heat was pulling you under. You were briefly aware of him running his hands through your hair. All too soon you were being gently lifted up and set back on your feet. In an instant, you were dried and clothed. Crowley picked you up as carefully as he could. You moaned as your muscles protested any sort of movement. "Shhh love, I've got you." The last thing you remember is the light clicking off.

*********

You awoke to a bright light in your face and someone screaming. You shoot up knocking into Crowley ,"what?! What is it?!!" you yell as something clatters to the floor.

Crowley grabs the phone again and sits on your bed, "who the hell do you think it is?" he says irritated.

You stare at the phone blankly, you rub your eyes to try to see the words illuminated on the screen. "It's tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum." You groan and pull the covers over your head. You can hear the boys yelling at Crowley and they weren't even on speakerphone. You sigh, sit back up and hold your hand out. You jerk your hand back when something hot touches it. Cracking your eyes back open, you realize Crowley is holding the phone in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. 

You mouth 'thank you' and take the cup of coffee. Taking a careful sip you can hear Sam from the other end with Dean adding some colorful words here and there. "She's just now starting on her coffee boys. It might be a minute."

You heard Dean sputtering in rage. "I DON'T GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT HER DAMN COFFEE! YOU PUT HER ON THE PHONE NOW CROWLEY SO HELP ME GOD!"

Crowley sighs, "calm down she's right here beside me in bed. It's not like I've got her on a torture table".

"THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IN BED?! YOU'RE NOT-IF YOU FUCKING LAY ONE HAND ON HER-"

"Little to late for that squirrel. I got to know her pretty well last night." Crowley gives you a dirty smirk.

You groan thinking about how it was technically true. Crowley got you naked and saw every part of your anatomy. 

Sam's voice rang out as clear as day, "Once this is over, once she and Cas are safe, I will personally skin you alive." Sam's voice carried through with so much calm and malice it made your blood run cold.

You hold out your hand. "Give me the phone. That's enough, Crowley." 

Crowley shrugs nonplussed, "breakfast is ready in my quarters when you're done."

You watch as Crowley leaves the room. You're nervous as you bring the phone to your ear. "Hey guys, I'm ok."

"WHAT THE FUCK Y/N-"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU-"

"Guys don't shout and one at a time."

There's some banging in the background. Sam clears his throat. "Do you want to tell me exactly what the hell you were thinking?"

You pick at the covers on your blanket, "you know, Sam."

"I thought we agreed-"

"WE didn't agree on anything. You were the only one."

"We had a plan."

"Yeah, well, Sam, it wasn't working. So I can't just sit around and let this grace fade as we try different things in the hopes that it does work. We don't have this luxury."

"So you give yourself over to him?!"

"He's the only one that seems to know what's going on!"

There's banging again in the background and some shuffling on the phone. "What is-"

"Did he touch you? Did you fucking sleep with him?!" Dean yells next to the speaker.

You pause considering how to answer this question. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do. "I knew it! I FUCKING KNEW IT! He's dead. You tell him Y/N! You tell him right now, I'm coming for him."

"Calm down, Dean. No we didn't sleep together. I'm not a slut. Like the women you see."

"Did you hear me call you a slut?" Dean huffs through the phone. "He could've forced you or used his fucking demon mojo-"

"No he didn't. He gave me a bath and put me to bed."

Silence. 'What the hell have you done? Why did you have to say that? You could've just kept your damn mouth shut.'

"Please explain to me," Dean ground out between teeth, "you mean a literal bath."

You take another sip of coffee stalling, "well I was weak and after trying to contain my grace around him for like 20 hours...I needed sleep and a bath." You pause. You could barely make out someone breathing on the other end. "So", you clear your throat, "he, um, gave me a bath."

You sat there not knowing what else to say. There was a pregnant pause on the other end.

"SON OF A BITCH!!" Dean yells in the background followed by more slamming.

"Y/N, we're coming to get you."

"No, Sam, I can't."

"You can't stay there! We can't let you!"

Your grip on the phone tightened, "let me? I'm sorry, since when did you sign a contract on owning me?"

"That's not what I meant."

"But it kinda is, that's the problem Sam. You guys try to protect me. To keep me away from anything harmful. In doing so, you take away my rights. Well guess what? You're not letting me. I'm just doing it because I can make my own damn decisions."

Sam pleads, "Finding Cas by yourself is going to be hard, let us help."

"You can't help. I have to do this."

"Y/N no there's-"

You stand, slamming your coffee cup onto your bedside table, "there's not another way Sam! How many times? This is the only way. It's me or no one at all and he dies!" You sit back down with the wind knocked out of you. You think about Cas being out there alone. You can't have his death on your hands. You mumble into the phone.

"What? I can't hear you." Sam waits on the other end. "Y/N, what did you say?"

You take a deep breath. Now or never. You can hear Dean's voice in your mind. 'You're going have to do something you don't like'. That's pretty much your life motto now. "I said don't call back, Sam." You take another shaky breath. "Don't look for me. You and Dean take your cases and move on. Erase me out of your life. I'll find Cas. Or maybe I won't." You pause to stop the crack in your voice. "I don't care what you do, just leave me out of it."

"Y/N-"

"No Sam," you interrupted with tears streaming down your face. 

You try to gather your courage. 'This is the only way. It has to be like this. They'll never leave you alone otherwise. They'll always come for you.' 

"Leave me be. I should've never asked to come with you guys. It's been nothing but pain and suffering since you walked into my life. It's all because of you. And your brother. I'm over. Done. I'm tired of being surrounded by death. I'm finding Cas because he saved my life. That's it. End of story. After that...I never want to see you or Dean again. So like I said don't call me again." You hang up the phone. 

You quickly press a hand to your mouth to cover up the wounded sound that escaped. You press your fist into your chest to try to stop the pain. You know what you just did. You know what kind of hurt and guilt you just put on them. But you had to right? You didn't know anymore. You sobbed into your hands. You just knew that this tight pain in your chest didn't feel like you did the right thing. Does it ever though? Hurting the ones you love most. 

You grab your coffee and rinse your face off in the bathroom. Looking in the mirror your skin is blotchy and your hair is all over the place. But the eyes staring back at you aren't yours anymore. They're bright blue. And dead. You clench your teeth and shut off the light. Getting dressed you steel yourself for what comes next. Grabbing the phone and your cup of coffee, you walk out to meet Crowley.

***************

You weren't learning quick enough. After a week you barely have a handle on keeping your grace in check, much less utlizing it. The only good thing that has happened was that you weren't nearly as weak as you used to be after trying to use it. Crowley was getting frustrated just as much as you were. He kept pushing you harder no matter how tired you were. You rarely slept anymore. And time was running out.

Crowley was having dinner with you much like every night. You kept pushing the food around your plate. Thoughts of getting to Cas was weighing on you with each passing hour.

Lately, when you did sleep, you dreamt about him. Sometimes they were nice, like of your time together. Of him with his coat thrown over your bed and his shoes off. You would be watching a movie. You could hear the deep timbre of his voice and feel his breath fan against your face. You could press your hand on his chest and feel his heart beat under your palm. You could feel his lips press against yours and steal your breath from your lungs. 

Sometimes the dreams were things that never happened. You never pressed Cas for more. No matter how many times you wished you would. It's not like you were a virgin, you had been with a couple of guys. But Cas was...Cas. Different. Special. But these dreams would leave you sweating. You could feel each pant of his breath on your skin. The way he tasted when you pressed your lips to his neck. The deep groan ripped from his chest when he pressed into you. You could feel the imprints of his fingers on your legs when he was holding on too tightly. He was rough, unfettered. He would push you down onto your knees and fist your hair in his hand. You felt his lips brush the shell of your ear telling you to cum. You could've swore that when you woke up you would still have bite marks on your neck and shoulders.

"What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

You jump and focus your eyes at Crowley. He has a slight smile on his face. Damn him. "How much longer do I have?"

"Your training?"

You pushed your fork around your plate. "No the grace I took."

Crowley shrugs, "hard to say. It's not fading as fast as I had believed. I told you before two months tops. I think it may make it another week after that." 

You set your fork down. "I feel it slipping. Everyday it's getting easier to contain. It's not as strong as it was as first."

"Of course," Crowley sets his fork down mimicking you, "the more you use it, the quicker it runs out. You don't have a way to replenish it."

You let his words sink in. "I'm ready to meet your friends I believe."

You haven't ventured through hell much. You haven't had a reason to. Some of Crowley's men were getting used to you. The cook actually never acted like you were any different than the rest of them. His chipper mood grated on every one of Crowley's nerves. You liked him for that.

Crowley brought you to a part of hell you had never been before. Standing in the middle of a large room you turn to him and waited. Crowley snaps his fingers and three demons appear each with a soul on a leash.

You look at Crowley, "what do I need to do?" The souls are restless. Their constant wails are piercing your ears. You wonder for a moment who they were in life but quickly tap it down. You won't be able to rescue Cas with sympathy.

Crowley takes a brief look at the souls, "kill them with your grace".

You reached within yourself, "Crowley, you have to release it." Feeling him back off, you quickly caged your grace. Harnessing it like every other time you practiced, you slowly walked to one of the souls. You place your hand on the soul's forehead, pushing your grace out toward your palm. The soul whines and grabs your arm. You curl your nose in disgust and sent a stream of grace out towards your fingertips. The soul cries out in pain.

"A little more than that, darling." You push again and this time the soul dissipates before you open your eyes.

"Again" Crowley orders from behind you. 

You do it twice more and finish the souls off. You gather what's left of the grace and reign it back in. You open your eyes to see the third demon staring at you. It was the one you passed in the hallway. You study him for a bit, he wasn't classically handsome but had some nice features. A little bit of a nondescript meat suit, with medium brown hair and brown eyes. His lip was upturned with disdain.

You reach up and lightly touch part of his jaw. "I've seen you before", you whisper. The demon makes eye contact with Crowley and back with you. He opens his mouth to reply and you quickly clamp your hand over it, pushing your grace out towards him. The demon grabs your arm and you panic slightly, releasing your hold on your grace. You felt it pulse outward. The snap of power when it killed the demons around you, brought chill bumps. Sensing only one demon, you slowly pulled your grace back in. 

"What the bloody hell was that for?!," Crowley said as you caged your grace back. 

You shrug, "we need to move this along. I'm tired of hearing you bark orders." You sway just slightly on your feet. You straighten your back, hoping he didn't notice.

Crowley looks at where the demons once were. He doesn't seem mad, more confused than anything. "Well thanks to your little light show there, you now have less grace than you should."

"Then get me some more." Crowley looks over at you with suprise tinging his features. "You said it yourself, I cannot regenerate it. I have less than half of the grace I started with. I won't have enough. So go get me some more."

Crowley crosses his arms over his chest, "do you suppose that there's just angels sitting around on earth? Do you realize how hard it is to capture one?"

You lift your eyebrows in sarcastic suprise, "oh really? No, thank you for enlightening me. I had no idea." You start to walk out of the room, "it's funny how the demon that is wanting your throne killed seven of them, but you're bitching about one." You shut the door.

 

Once you got to your room you locked the door and slid down to sit. That took a toll on you. You were definitely weaker than normal but you weren't near what you used to be. 'Those souls.' You waited to feel a twinge of remorse, of something, but nothing came. You knew something had shifted in you. Walking into the bathroom you flick the light on. You were looking a little paler these days. You didn't look tired or gaunt. Your hair was definitely longer than you've kept it in a while. It was your eyes that gave you away. They stayed bright blue now, no matter what. They were still cold, dead. 'I guess that's what changed. I've killed something inside.' 

You start the shower on autopilot, your thoughts still swirling around what you've become. What a difference a year makes. You could barely bring yourself to kill a creature that was already dead. And here you are, killing souls and demons. Not to mention telling Crowley to kill angels so that you can have more grace. But it's necessary, you were going to save Cas. Plus, if that one angel was right, the other angels turned on him. They were enemies just like everyone else. Sam and Dean would probably agree. You sigh aloud. 'There's that twinge of guilt.' Sam and Dean. There's been no word. Not even a missed call on Crowley's phone. You take small comfort in the guilt you feel. At least it seems like you're not completely dead inside. You sigh again and shut off the shower. 

You take enough time to throw a robe over you and use just a tiny bit of grace to dry your hair. You throw open the door to see Crowley standing in the middle of them room. He turns as the bathroom door opens.

"How lovely to see you again," your voice dripping with sarcasm.

Crowley puts his hand over his heart, "why thank you my dear. I've come to tell you that I have my boys out looking for your precious grace. I'm a bit suprised at the request, didn't think you had it in you."

You gave a small hum as you moved to the closet to get some clothes.

Crowley pauses for a moment before he speaks, "you seems to not enjoy my company as much anymore."

You throw the clothes on the bed, "does that irk you?" Crowley stands there in silence. You pinch the bridge of your nose. "My only goal here is Cas. The only reason I'm here, is Cas. The longer I stay, the slimmer the chance is that I find him alive. Time's been ticking away and yet here I am. Still here. With you."

Crowley clenches his teeth, "right. Well I believe you've learned enough, if that little fiasco earlier meant anything. I'm not exactly happy with you smiting my demons as well as insulting me."

You look at him with dead eyes, "it doesn't matter. I'm not here to make you happy."

Crowley humphs, "either way, I would think being cordial would be in order."

You resist the urge to smack him. "Is there anything else you need? Or did you just want to preach to me about manners?"

The smug bastard grinned. "I'll update you once we found something."

Once Crowley left the room you relaxed and got dressed. Eyeing your bed you prepare for another couple of hours of torture. Everytime you slept now, you dreamt of him. Sighing because you were only delaying the inevitable, you got under the covers and clicked off the light.

 

***********

It was almost a week and a half before you heard any news. You and Crowley were having lunch, well generally just eating in the same room, when a demon knocked on the door. They had found a few angels, and managed to kill them and bottle up their grace. Apparently a few demons were killed though. You felt a surge of excitement. Your time being stuck in hell was coming to a close. You had been going out of your mind. Crowley had trained you a little further by having demons attack you. While you managed to get stabbed and the wind knocked out of you several times, you were still alive and they weren't. But Crowley called a halt to everything. You had about a fourth of your grace left and couldn't waste anymore. So here you sat, day in, day out, waiting.

About an hour after the first demon, the others showed up carrying tiny little vials of grace. 

One demon had two of them in his hand, "my lord, I may have some information that would help." The demon placed the vials on the table. "I overheard the angels saying that someone had spotted Castiel in Astoria, Oregon about two days ago."

You grip your seat in order to stay upright as the relief of Castiel alive washed over you.

"That's good news indeed." Crowley pointedly looked toward the door. The demon took the hint and made his exit.

"He may need a raise," you said watching as the door closed. 

Crowley made a noncomittal noise and picked up one of the vials. "Guess there's no use waiting around any longer." He tossed the vial in your direction. 

Snatching it out of the air, you kept your eyes on Crowley. "Last time this happened, it wasn't pretty. The single most excrutiating pain I've ever went through."

"I saw your scars dear."

"That wasn't it. When I took the grace, it felt like it was burning me alive. I didn't wake for five days."

Crowley studied you for a moment, "humans aren't equipped to handle grace. It should've killed you, yet here you are."

You gather all five vials in trepidation. "Maybe it will kill me."

Crowley shook his head, "don't think you'll get off that easy. You're prepared now. I believe the worst of it is already passed."

You pop the cork off of one of the vials and cover the top with your thumb. The grace was gently flowing around the bottle shining blue as ever. You didn't want to experience that again. Even though Crowley assured you, what the hell does he know. 

'Well the only other option is not taking it and letting Cas die, so fuck that.' You quickly moved your thumb and inhaled. In the middle of taking that grace you grabbed another one of the vials and opened it. You kept doing this until all of them were gone. You quickly sat down waiting for the pain. You could see Crowley out of the corner of your eye. He looked slightly curious and slightly worried, which was suprising in itself. 

You didn't have much time to think about it because the burn was starting. You gripped the edge of the table. Slowly, it started billowing out. In a panic, you clamped down hard on the grace you already had. That's when it hit you. You let down the walls on your grace and focused pushing the new grace back into your core. You fought every little tendril until you had it right in the center, then caged with everything you had. It worked. 

You leaned back into the chair and heaved. The grace felt like a swarm of bees in your chest. You could feel it swirling and the pressure pushing against your control. The energy from it was almost too much.

Crowley looked quite pleased, "good girl."

You look back up at him, "yeah sure. Take me to Oregon so we can be done with this."

"Not just yet my dear, you're gonna need a few things. Wait here." Crowley says as he's leaving.

Rubbing your hand over your face you stare at the floor. How in the world are you going to rescue Cas? He was spotted a couple of days ago. Clearly the angels and demons were having a rough time of it. What makes you any better? 

He returns a few moments later with a duffel bag that he lets clunk on the table. "Angel grace is good and all but sometimes it's good to have back up." He zips open the bag and moves to let you peer inside. 

You raise an eyebrow but open the bag up anyway. You start laughing, "a backup? Crowley, this is an arsenal." He had gathered two angel blades, four pistols, a sniper rifle, and a sawed off shotgun with various magazines. 

"Spoils of war my love," Crowley gestured to your room, "go on. Get dressed and I'll get you on your way."

You quickly change into a pair of jeans, boots, and a plain black tshirt. You grab a jacket out of the corner of closet just in case. 

Crowley comes in your room just about the time you get done dressing. "I think these should work fairly well." He holds up a series of holsters. 

You look at the straps and look back at the closet. Stripping off the tshirt you just put on, you grab a tank top out. Before you put it on, Crowley grabs your shoulder and turns you around. Standing there in just your jeans and bra, you raise an eyebrow in defiance. Crowley looks you over, lingering on your scars. "Where's your anti-possession tattoo?" 

You shrug, "never went on hunts like that, so I didn't need it." Crowley gets a pensive look on his face and walks around you. When he get back, facing you, you let out a frustrated sigh. 

He sets the holsters down and places his open palms on the lower part of your ribcage. "Deep breath."

You inhale like normal, then had the breath knocked out of you by the searing hot pain on your ribs. Crowley held his hands up, "ok, you're ok."

You look down. Crowley had burned an anti-possession tattoo right above your angel wing scar. On the other side, you had some text but couldn't read it. "It's enochian."

You look up slightly impressed. "And it says?"

"More importantly is what it does. It hides you from angels." Crowley watched as your grace healed the worst of the burns. "You learn a thing or two from the giraffe and the Winchesters." He picks up the holsters again.

Grabbing the holsters from him you proceed to buckle them up. The ones for the angel blades cross around your back and sit under your arms. There's a holster around your waist for two pistols and the magazines. You strap another holster around each of your thighs. Putting the weapons in, you walk around to get the feel of the extra weight you'll be carrying. You adjust some of the straps and decided to move the thigh holster from your left leg to double on your right. Holding out your hand for the duffle bag, you make minor adjustments here and there. When you realize that nothing has been place in your hand you look up to Crowley.

He clears his throat and hands you the bag. You put your tshirt on over the pistols and blades. "If something goes awry" Crowley presses a stack of cash and a cell phone into your hand, "let me know." 

You look at it and back at him. "Yeah," you throw the duffel bag around your torso positioning the rifle and shotgun on your back, "i'll call." You adjust everything until you're satisfied and give him a pointed look.

"Right," he says placing a hand on your shoulder, "let's go."

In a blink of an eye, you're standing in the middle of the forest with trees towering above you. You look around back towards Crowley. 

"We believe he's heading north toward Washington. You've got a compass in one of those pockets of your bag."

You look up to the sky. The sun was almost set. Looks like you're traveling at night. You start to walk off and Crowley grabs your wrist.

"I meant it you know."

"What?"

"If you get in over your head. If something happens...call me," he peers at you earnestly.

You jerk your arm out of his hold, "let's hope it doesn't go that far". You adjust your bag again and walk away. Crowley stays where he's at until you're out of sight. Even then, he stays a minute longer than necessary. You finally feel the crack of power as he leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *awkward silence* I know!! Not exactly how I planned you being. But there it is. Also I couldn't resist making you a teensy bit badass; with your new arsenal, kickass scars, and the 'fuck you' attitude. Especially since I've been drooling over Dean in The End with a thigh holster on... with his dirty jeans, holding that hand cannon of a gun. *sighing with angst and wistfully* How long as that been? Too damn long. Still drooling. They need to bring that back. I want to meet whoever decided he needed that, and kiss their feet. I'm also well aware that you probably couldn't put two holsters on one leg or if you could it wouldn't be practical, but hey that's what pretending is all about right? Anyway, after rambling about that, lots of love to you and hope you enjoyed! Also have a great day, wherever you are. And in the light of everything that's been going on in the world, be kind to one another.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lengths you go to for someone you care about.

One thing you hadn't noticed during your time with Crowley, was just how quick you had become. Traveling nonstop on foot, you had managed to make it from Astoria to Castle Rock, Washington, in a little under 8 hours. Considering most trained people cover half the distance in the same amount of time, you figured your grace powered you on through. 

Stopping at a tiny stream, you take a few minutes to wash some dirt that gathered on you. Sitting on a nearby rock you gather your bearings to figure out where to go next. 'It's a crap shoot to figure out where Cas went. I could head north but that'll end up in Seattle. Cas is on the run, I doubt he'll be anywhere with that many eyes. Heading west will cage him in next to the ocean. So I can either head straight east or go northeast. Going east would take me straight into the national forests. But heading northeast could yield better results. There were several small towns that stayed after the gold rush.' After a few moments you huffed in irritation. You might as well toss a coin in the air. 

The sun was beginning to come up. You could keep going or rest for the day until nightfall again. Eyeing Crowley's cash, you decided to dig around the duffel bag to see what else you could find. Sorting through the pockets, Crowley had given you several lengths of rope, spraypaint, a booklet filled with a few fake ids, and some odd and in items that you didn't have much use for. 'Seriously Crowley? What the hell do I need a pocket knife for?' You decided to find the most obscure hotel possible and camp out for the day. 

You came into the outskirts of town about the time the sun rose. Stopping at the back of the motel, you unlatch your gun holsters and shove them in the duffel bag. 'I'm sure the hotel staff would love that.' Dusting yourself off, you straighten your back and set off to the front. Peering inside you were trying to catch a glimpse of the lobby when you caught the glint of your eyes in the window. Turning your back, you worked to push your grace further down. By the time you looked at the window again, they were still blue but they weren't bright and glowing like before.

Thankfully no one was there except for a disinterested staff member who was propped up by a wall, looking at his phone.

"I'd like to reserve a room for the day."

The young guy barely acknowledged you spoke. He picked up a pen and set it down on the counter next to a book. Turning, he grabbed a key out of the cabinet and set that down too. Still typing on his phone, he stood there oblivious to the fact that you hadn't moved.

You clear your throat. He slightly raises his gaze to look at you, then back at his phone. Sighing, he heavily places the phone on the counter. "Your key has the number 34 on it. When you open the book, turn to the tab that's labeled 34 and write your name." You raise your eyebrows at the way he's talking to you like a child. "Then you give me money and take the key, which opens the lock on your door that's also labeled 34." He picks up the phone and starts typing again.

'This little shit. I should smite his ass right here.' You hastily scribble 'screw you' under the name and write the date. 

"$68.45." 

You throw some twenties on the counter, "I don't need change." Grabbing the keys you leave the office in search for your room. 

Finding out that your room is the furthest from the main office was almost enough to make you want to turn around and make good on your promise earlier. Not that you minded walking, but just because he was a prick. Throwing your bag on the floor, you sit on the small chair next to the table.

Having some time to kill, you showered, tried to watch tv, and generally just sat on the bed looking at a blank wall.

Huffing, you fall back against the pillows. You look over at the time. '1pm. Well hell. This is going to be a long day.' You grab the phone off the table and sat back down on the bed. Sam and Dean entered into your mind again. Your finger hovering over the dialer, you instead lock the phone. 'They don't want to hear from me.' But the nagging voice in your head wondered. 'Those boys are known for being loyal. So is what I said enough for them to truly cut ties?' Somehow you doubted that. 'Or is Sam actually trying to give me space? No he wouldn't do that either. Not on this. So what is it then? Why MIA all of the sudden?' You unlock your phone and open your messages. 'I'm fine. Still trying to find Cas. Hope you're good too.' You hover over the send button long enough for your screen to timeout. 'Sam could probably trace this.' You delete the message and throw it on the table again. 

Laying down, you just shut your eyes when an idea popped in your head. You could feel Crowley when he was around. You always knew when he left hell and where he was when he came back. Maybe you could track one of the angels that way. Or maybe the demon. 'What the hell was his name? Stewart? Steve? Stephen? Oh yeah it's Stephen...still the dumbest name ever for a demon.' You shut your eyes again and let your grace go gently. Using it, you try to feel for any kind of supernatural being. Pushing outwards in all directions you wait for any kind of blip on your radar. You keep pushing until you've felt like you stretched it out as far as you can go. Scanning all directions, you finally feel a small something after half an hour. It barely registered and you had ignored it the first few times, but it could be something nevertheless. 'Better than tossing a coin I guess.' Pulling your grace back in you continue to lay still on the bed. You weren't tired but you figured it couldn't hurt to just let your still human muscles rest some. Keeping a loose hold on your grace, you relax, waiting for the next few hours to pass by.

*************

'I'm gonna murder him myself. I'm gonna find him, save his ass, then murder the ever loving shit out of him. I may use the rest of the grace to bring him back to life, and then murder him again. Stupid prick angel, with his stupid prick self sacrificing, and his angel duty, and whatever hell else goes through that stupid prick head of his.' It had been a week. Everytime you got somewhat close to whatever the hell it was, angel or demon, it moved before you get to it. You've essentially been chasing a "gut feeling" that keeps getting pulled further away. You stop to readjust your duffel and to scan again to see how far away...whatever it...was. You're god knows where, in god knows which national park, trudging through your third straight day of rain. 

"Fuck you, nature." You bump against the nearest tree and in the process a branch breaks and lands on your head dumping the water the leaves were holding. "And nature says fuck you back." You close your eyes and scan again. It was far but not too far. Maybe a day, day and a half at most. This was beginning to make you feel uneasy. Whatever this was, stopped about 10 hours ago and hasn't moved. It hasn't done that since you found it. You pushed your duffel further up your shoulder and wrung the water out of your hair. 'Not like I have a fucking choice.'

************

You arrive close to the spot in a little under 29 hours. Closing in, you made sure that you had everything loaded and ready before you actually got there. Almost religiously, you scanned again just to make sure it hadn't moved. It hasn't, and you're not even half a mile away. 'I don't like it.' 

Carrying the sniper rifle you climb up to the top of a steep cliff. Once there you army crawl as close to the edge while still being hidden. Using the scope you look at the area below while scanning with your grace. 'About 1400 yards, where is it?' Pulling away from the scope you focus on the scan. 'A little to the left.' You move over a few feet and look again through the scope. You finally catch the edge of what seemed to be a small hunting cabin that was almost completely overtaken by vines. Pulling the duffel from your back you move again a bit more to get a better view. 

'That blip is coming straight from that cabin. But what the hell is it?' You decide to wait it out for a bit to make sure. You don't want to go in blind. Especially since this is the closest you've been on a lead since the demon said Cas was spotted in Astoria.

Propping the rifle up, you wait. And hour goes by with nothing happening. Two hours and the most noteworthy thing was a bird who landed not five feet from you. You were getting anxious and second guessing yourself, but you forced yourself to lay still. Almost nightfall, nearly five hours later, is when it finally happened. A person appeared out of thin air. Not a person really, but an angel. You peer through the scope again. It had a bag in its hand and looked around the area before heading inside. You were about to move when the hairs on the back of your neck stood up. Four demons walk into your line of sight. 

They start to walk in when one of them hesistates. The demon looks around like it sensed something. You drop your eyes from the scope. Breathing deeply a few times you look back through. The demon is still looking around on alert, and the others are scanning as well. 'Now or never.' You position the rifle and let the reticle bounce with your breath a few times. Taking your aim, you open your mouth and allow all the breath out of your lungs. Once the reticle slowly lowered to one of the demons, you pull the trigger. Not waiting, you immediately pull the bolt, re-aim, and pull the trigger. You got three shots off before the last demon looked straight at you and smiled before opening his mouth and leaving the vessel.

'Fuck. Shit. Fuck.'

You quickly grab the duffel, leaving the rifle, and sprint down the hill. Pushing through the brush, your grace alerted you that the demons were heading for you too. When they finally come into view, you slow a bit dropping your duffel and unsheathing both of your angel blades. 

"Oh look boys! It's that angel whore that Crowley shacked up with for a while," one the demons called out. 

You stop and gather your grace to prepare an attack. You could probably just release it and smite them all however you weren't sure how much you'd lose and didn't want to take the chance.

The demons came closer until you could see the glint of their eyes in their smug little faces. "All that time with Crowley and you still didn't learn that bullets wouldn't kill us. What a shame."

"Well I heard she was stowed away with those Winchester boys for quite some time. They should've taught her a thing or two."

One of them laughed, "You sure get around don't ya? The older one, what's his name, Derrick, I bet he got a good couple of pegs in before Crowley did, didn't he honey?"

You tighten the grip on your angel blade and bit your tongue to keep your mouth shut. 

"What's the matter sweetheart? Did those poor boys break your heart? They hurt your feelings didn't they? And you went crawling to the king of hell. That'll show them huh? But where's Crowley now? Sent you out to do his dirty work?" 

The demon jeered at you waiting for you to respond. You maintained a calm expression. The only thing that would give you away would be the white knuckle grip you had on the angel blade.

"No she's not here for that." Stupid. You had forgotten about the angel inside the cabin. "She's here because she wants to be. For Castiel."

Your heart slammed in your chest at the thought of Cas. You study the angel instead. He had taken a vessel that was somewhat small, maybe about 5'10. A man in his late thirties with blonde hair and green eyes. 

The angel stepped forward in front of the demons. "I've seen you, Y/N. In his thoughts." He tilts his head studying you. Just that little movement almost set you off. Cas. You silently strangle the rage running through you. "You've changed. But of course that would be expected since you have the grace of my brothers and sisters running through you."

You lift your chin, "from what I've heard you turned your back on them."

The angel scoffed, "it was them who turned on us." 

You laugh out loud. "Says the angel standing with three demons."

"What is it you humans say? Desperate times?" He stares at you intently. "I can see what he likes in you. You've got this interesting little spark. But you're nothing like what he remembers anymore, are you?"

"Yeah desperate times." You switch your gaze to the demons.

"I could almost taste you in his grace." Your eyes snap back to this angel. "I'm Leliel by the way."

"Don't care."

Leliel shrugs, "figured I'd introduce myself since I feel like I know you so well. You may take some comfort to know that you were always in his thoughts. Even though he was being tortured, he still thought of you."

You switched the grip on the blade. "He heard your prayers by the way," he whispers almost conspiratorily. "They were sweet." You narrow your eyes. "But I wonder, would he still want you? With the way you are now? You're so much more heartless now. He loved the goodness in you. The light. Tell me, do you still have that anymore? Or did you kill that off too?"

You go completely still. "I think you don't. I think Castiel wouldn't even look you in the eyes now. I-" You throw the angel blade like a dagger. The angel abruptly stops talking and eyes the blade sticking out of his mouth. He falls back and his grace burns as soon as he hits the ground. The demons stare at the angel in shock and looks back at you. You shrug, "fucking angels talk too much."

One of the demons makes eye contact with another and opens his mouth to leave the vessel. You tsk. "Oh by the way boys, those are demon traps in those bullets." You see the panic in their eyes as they realize that they're stuck. You smile wickedly, "bye boys". You release your grace all at once and concentrate them on the demons. It only took a few seconds to feel the pop of power that signaled their death and you pulled it back. 

Walking over to where Leliel fell, you pull the angel blade out of the ground. Sheathing both of them, you hurry over to the cabin door. You were about to put your hand on the knob when you heard something.

"Please..."

You stop and look around.

"Help..."

It came from the body on the ground. The vessel that the fourth demon left. You walk over to the woman. She was fairly young, maybe early twenties. She had blood pouring out of her ears and mouth. "Help...me...", she barely wheezed out. She tried drawing a breath but couldn't get enough air. There was a wet popping sound when she tried. You've heard this before on those first aid videos you poured through for the boys, the death rattle. "Ple...ase."

You squeeze the girl's hand and stand up. The girl gets a panicked look in her eye when you move away. You pull your pistol from your holster, keeping it hidden. "I'm sorry." You aim and pull the trigger quickly. 

You turn around and close your eyes. 'You could've healed her. You could've had enough. You could've saved her and Cas.'

While you didn't know if that was technically true, your scumbag heart told you that. But you weren't taking any chances. You used a lot on those demons. You shouldn't have used it at all but you wanted it done and over with. And you were mad as hell. 

You holster the pistol. 'Now isn't the time' you tell yourself. Walking back towards the cabin you steel yourself for what's inside. You can feel something. That little blip that you've been chasing is here. Hesitant to hope that it's Cas, you open the door and walk inside. 

It smells like rotting wood and damp ground inside. There was one tiny little window that was letting in a miniscule amount of light through the years of caked on grime. Stepping carefully you try to manuever around the cabin. The floor was falling through in areas and wood creaked and cracked loudly everytime you took a step. You carefully moved towards the little blip but frown when you reach the wall. Focusing in on it again, you realize that it was under you. Making your way back to the middle of the room you finally find a little hatch. Pulling it open, you could barely make out that there were stairs leading down. Carefully lowering yourself, you put a tiny bit of weight on the first step. Not hearing the crack of wood, you start to put some more weight on the step when you hear a cough. You pause for a split second, abandon the plan, and drop completely practically running down the steps. You come to the bottom and felt your knees go weak.

"Cas?"

A tiny table on the other side of the cellar held a candle illuminating a body chained to the floor.

You take a small step forward. "Cas?"

The body moved a little bit and let out a small groan. You run over to it and drop to your knees. "Oh my god. Cas! Cas stay with me! Please! Oh god, I'm taking you home okay?" 

You carefully roll him over. His face was almost unrecognizeably swollen. He had open wounds on his chest that were still bleeding. Some had been open so long that they were starting to fester. You grab the chain that had his hands and feet locked and used your grace to break them apart. 

Cas starts mumbling. You hush him, "Don't you dare die on me you bastard. I'm gonna get you out of here." You use your grace to help you pick him up in a fireman's carry and move him out of the cabin. Cas wheezes in pain as you move him. "It's ok. You're gonna be fine. I've got you."

Finally outside you lay him on the ground as gently as you could. One of his eyes is completely swollen shut while the other one is barely cracked open. "Y/N?" he groans out.

You almost burst into tears at the weak sound of your name. "Yeah, it's me. I've got you. I'm gonna get you home." You look over his many injuries. There's stab wounds and burns and thousands of other scratches. Part of his skin is cut away from above his hipbone.

Trying to calm yourself, you concentrate your grace to flow out of your hands. Gently placing them on his chest you focus on stopping the bleeding. Cas cries out in pain. You quickly pull back alarmed. "Oh god I'm so sorry! Did I hurt you?"

Cas barely shakes his head yes. You gulp and look around. Looking back at Cas you decide to try again. You put your hands back on his chest and pour all your strength into focusing on healing. Cas screams and you jerk back so hard you land on your butt. "Shit Cas?!" You shift back over to him and see your handprints burned on his chest. "Oh god Cas!" You softly shake him but he's not responding. You start to panic. Putting your fingers to his neck you feel a weak pulse. Getting up you look around and take off running to your duffel bag. Throwing the weapons and rope out of there you finally find the phone and dial Crowley's number.

Running back to Cas you keep the phone to your ear. 'Come on Crowley pick up'. You pace around Cas's body. Crowley's voicemail comes on and you immediately hang up and redial. "Pick up you dick."

"Roadkill café you kill 'em we grill 'em."

"I've killed him!!!"

"What?"

"Get here now, I've got Cas." You hang up and crouch beside Cas. Your phone rings. "What are you doing get here now?!" you yell angrily.

"Darling I can't find you remember?" You draw a blank. "You're hidden from me." 

'The fucking tattoo!' You pull the angel blade out, lift up your shirt, and slice through the anti-possession tattoo on your ribs. "There. Now get here."

Crowley's silent on the other end.

"I just cut through the anti-possession tattoo, what are you waiting for?"

Crowley's voice comes through weighted heavily with patience, "not that one my dear."

You pause. 'Anti-possession...'. "SON OF A BITCH!" You cut your ribs again through the enochian. 

Almost immediately Crowley appears in front of you. Dropping the phone and blade you stand and grab his arm. "I think I killed him."

Crowley looks over at Cas's almost lifeless body. Eyeing the handprints on his chest he looks back at you. "I tried healing him but I just kept hurting him instead."

Crowley opens his mouth but the 'stupid girl' that was said wasn't his voice. 

Crowley audibly sighs, "why hello there Stephen."

"Stolas."

"Whatever. So...how have you been?"

Stolas ignores Crowley and looks at you. "I didn't realize you would be this big of a pain in my ass or I would've gotten rid of you when I had the chance."

You move to position yourself in front of Cas. "I have a habit of suprising people I guess."

Stolas makes a show of looking around you at Cas. "Almost snuffed him out did ya? Well that would've thrown a big wrench in my plan."

You cast a sidelong glance at Crowley. Your fingers hover next to the pistol on your leg. Crowley barely clenches his jaw.

"Why are you here Stephen? We both know you won't win this fight."

Stolas narrows his eyes at the nickname. "Maybe not but I can get rid of her." Stolas turns his gaze on you.

You felt a pressure on your throat and started to cough. Wheezing you double over and try to push back with your grace. The more you pushed the stronger it became. It felt like a vise around your chest pushing all the air from your lungs. You feel a rib crack and the air forced out of your lungs. Choking and spitting up blood, you feel Crowley grab your shoulder. 

Within a blink, you're on the floor. The grace you were pushing with shoots out and you hear the sound of wood splintering and things shatter. You quickly pull your grace back in and concentrate on rebuilding your broken rib and collapsed lungs. Taking deep lung-filling breathes you look around.

You're back in hell with Crowley and he's holding part of a decanter with a disappointed look on his face. Panicking you look around and see Cas still unconscious but on the couch. You run over to him.

"A thank you would be welcome." He pauses and looks around. "Especially since you've ruined my office."

You ignore him and check Cas's pulse. It's still there but weaker than before. "Why can't I heal him?"

Crowley drops the broken decanter on his desk. "I don't know."

You whirl around to face him, "you don't know? I can heal myself but can only hurt him, and the best thing you can say is you don't know?!"

Crowley shrugs, "best I got dear."

You look back over at Cas. Using your grace you reach out for him.

"Ah, ah, wouldn't try that again. You probably will kill him."

"Well what the fuck you suggest I do? Can you heal him?"

"A human? No."

You look down at Cas with wide eyes. "He's....human?"

"Yes, he's got a tracking sigil carved on his back. And his grace is gone."

You kneel back down and grab his hand gently. 'Shit Cas. What do I do now?' You bow your head over him. 

How much did he mean to you? You've trained for him. Spent time in hell for him. You've killed angels for him. Hell, you pushed away Sam and Dean for him. And you were together as a couple for how long? Six maybe seven months total if that. So why?

You rubbed your thumb across the back of his hand. 'Because I love you. We had a short time together but I was never as happy as when you were there. You were my light.'

You looked up at Crowley with tears in your eyes. Crowley remained stoic.

Looking back at Cas, you place a gentle kiss on his forehead. "It's ok," you whisper. "I promised to save you and I meant it." 

Taking a deep breath, you stand and face Crowley. "Kill me."

For once, you saw the king of hell dumbfounded. "What?"

"I said kill me. Remove whatever I have left of this grace and give it to him." You look back at Cas. "Someone has his grace and he needs it back but he'll never do that if he's human."

Crowley studies you for a moment. "No."

Your jaw drops, "seriously?! I-"

Crowley holds his hands up, "hold on, let me explain. Technically yes, I will kill you. However, I'm not going to leave you dead. It's going to take both of you and probably moose and squirrel to get his grace back and kill Stephen, that bastard."

"So what? You're going to resurrect me?"

"In a way, my darling. I'm going to make you a demon."

You don't know why. Maybe you were losing your mind but you laughed at him. "You realize that you are gonna piss Sam and Dean off so much right?"

Crowley gave a reluctant smile. "Been there done that. Several times."

You wipe the tears from your face. "Can I use your phone? I want to call them."

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"No, I won't tell them anything. I just...with the way I left things...and now I'll show up as a demon...I just wanna let them know..."

Crowley studies you for a moment and hands you his phone. You open up Crowley's contact list and see three contacts. Some name you vaguely recognize as another demon, Moose, and Not Moose. Crowley would never admit it but he does have a soft spot for these boys. You dial the number for Sam. You didn't have the guts to call Dean's phone. 

The phone rang and rang and finally went to voicemail. "I didn't want to do this over voicemail but I don't have a choice. The things I've said...the things I've done...I hope you could look past that. When it's over I hope I can still call you family. It's going to be a lot to ask I know, but if you could...", you sigh heavily, "just...forgive me. It's not over yet but I hope when it is...please forgive me." You hesitate wondering if you should say anything else, but you hang up instead. Turning back to Crowley you hand him his phone. 

"Ready?"

No. But you nod your head the tiniest bit. Crowley moves you over to where you're kneeling beside Cas facing him.

Crowley pulls an angel blade out from where it's still strapped to your chest. He brings the blade up against your throat and you close your eyes, your heart feeling like it's going to beat out of your chest.

Crowley kneels down beside you. You keep your eyes closed for a moment but open them when you feel the blade come off your neck. You look over at him, confusion lacing your face. 

Crowley looks almost...sad. "I can honestly say I find no enjoyment out of this." He brings the blade back to your neck and wraps a free hand around your back. "I'll make this as quick as possible. I'll see you soon."

You close your eyes and tilt your head back further. You were as ready as you were ever going to be. Waiting, you kept expecting the pain of the blade across your throat. But you had only a moment of suprise to the feel the pain of something blunt hitting your temple hard before you lost consciousness. 

 

*******

You woke up in your bedroom in hell. Stretching, you sit up gathering your bearings. Looking around the room you touch your neck. Not feeling anything you touch where you were hit in the temple. You felt somewhat ok. 

Throwing back the covers you walk into the bathroom. Flicking on the light you look at the mirror a bit startled. For months a glowing blue shined back at you, but now they were just black. Studying your reflection you lift up your shirt. The burns are still there and oddly enough, the antipossession tattoo and enochian were still there. You run a finger over the enochian. They were no longer cut in half but you could still feel the slight indention in your skin.

Thinking back to when you cut them, you felt a slight stir in your stomach. Cas. You walk out of the bathroom straight into Crowley.

"Hello darling. May I say you look as lovely as ever?"

You were a little suprised that you didn't feel disgust as per usual with Crowley, instead you felt nothing. Indifferent. 

"Can I ask you something?" Crowley holds out his hands to signal for you to ask. "Did you bitch out?"

Crowley looks at you hard, "you're a demon aren't you?"

You shake your head, "seems like it. But you hit me with the blunt end of the blade." You lean closer to him, "I think you took pity. You knocked me unconscious then slit my throat, didn't you?"

Crowley kept his mouth shut and you laugh. "You're just full of suprises aren't ya?" 

"I figured I'd do you a favor. I wanted the giraffe found and you got him when my demons couldn't."

You smile and step back. "What a weak excuse. But hey, I get it. You saw something you liked and didn't want to hurt it."

Crowley moves so fast that you barely registered it. His hand is around your throat and you're up against the wall. You raise an eyebrow at him. "You would do well to watch your tone, demon," Crowley snarls.

You pat his arm holding your neck, "I get it, you're in charge. Let me down."

Crowley slowly lowers you. Straightening his suit, he clears his throat. "Now that the unpleasantries are over, let's go see Castiel."

You frown as you feel that twinge in your stomach again. Even as a demon, can you still feel for Cas?

Walking into Crowley's quarters, Cas was seated at the table. He stands up when you enter. For the first time since you first arrived in hell, you felt awkward. You look Cas over making sure he was actually there and not hurt. You feel yourself soften as you look over his features. His dark hair was the same tousled mess it always was and his beautiful blue eyes were staring at you with many different emotions running through them.

Leliel's words rang in your head, 'will he still want you....you've killed everything inside.' You drop your head, yeah, and now you're a demon. 

"Y/N..."

You close your eyes. Demon, human, or angel, it didn't matter. It was amazing to hear his voice again.

Cas moved from around the table. The whole time you kept your head down. You didn't look him in the eye until he stopped in front of you. When you finally met his eyes, you saw pity. "I'm glad you're safe."

Getting mad, you pushed him. "Fuck you, Cas." 

Cas expression turned to confusion, "You are angry," he states simply.

Crowley scoffs. "You ignorant slut, of course she's angry."

Cas turns his confused look on Crowley. "I haven't had intercourse with anyone."

You barely hold back the groan. "No, but you just go AWOL and nobody hears from you and I have to go find you, only to find you almost dead. And human of all things. I left Sam and Dean. I had demons kill angels to steal their grace. I trudged through Oregon and Washington to find you. Hell, I put up with Crowley because of you."

"Hey now," Crowley says from your right.

Ignoring him you continue, "I've killed angels, demons, and humans, for you. And why? Because you didn't have the decency to call or text. And now you look at me with pity and say I'm angry? Shit Cas, I'm a damn demon now."

Cas quickly grabs your hand. You try to jerk it away but he doesn't let go. "I'm sorry. I couldn't-"

"Couldn't or wouldn't?"

"...couldn't call-"

"Bullshit."

"Y/N, I was hunted. I was trying to keep you safe."

You roll your eyes, "You, Sam, Dean, always trying to keep me safe." You flick your eyes black. "Tell me Castiel. How did that work out for you?"

Cas studies your face for a moment, "not very well. It's not that I didn't believe in you. Or that I didn't think you could handle yourself. It's that I didn't want to put you in a position where I had to find out. I will always want you safe. And that meant for me to leave. I will never purposely put you in harm's way at the expense of mine. So get angry all you want, I would make the same choice all over again. You alive and angry is better than you being dead."

"Well I kinda am now aren't I? I died."

"Sam and Dean can heal you. They can make you human again."

You snort, "of course. Sam and Dean will just fix it all and turn me back human. For what? So you can leave again? Screw you."

Cas rolls his eyes in impatience, "yes because that's all I want. I want you to be human so that I don't have to be around you. That's childish."

"I'm childish?! How about letting me make my own damn decisions instead of you, or Sam, or Dean making them for me? Don't want me to act like one? Don't treat me like one!"

"You make terrible decisions."

"Obviously, I fell in lo-" you cut your sentence off when you realized what you almost said. Your eyes wide you take a step back from Cas.

Cas still has a hold of your hand. "You did what?" he asks in almost a whisper.

You shake your head, "I promised to save you and I did. That's all that matters," you say coldly.

You risk a look at Cas's face and he's frowning in concentration. Crowley clears his throat and you could almost hug him for it. "While I always love a good episode of Dawson's Creek, I think we're wasting time. I believe you have grace to get back, hmmm?"

Cas reluctantly lets your conversation go. "Yes and Stolas has it if he hasn't already turned it over to the angels."

Crowley shakes his head, "doubt he'll let go of it. If he delivers it to them, he'll wait to do so until he's got what he's wanted."

You look up at Cas, "you ready to go bring Sam and Dean into this shitstorm?"

Cas studies you. You can tell he has more questions but you narrow your eyes hoping to convey 'not now'. You guess he takes the hint because he nods his head. 

You hold your hand out to Crowley. He drops the duffel bag you've been carrying around with you forever. "Can't leave your weapons when you go off to war. And it's replenished by the way."

"...thanks. But I was expecting you to poof us to the Bunker?"

Crowley starts, "oh right". Placing a hand of each of you, you blink and you're right outside. "Well I would say that this has been fun but I'd be lying. And word of advice Y/N," you tilt your head to indicate you're listening, "demon powers are used like grace...and you can replenish it." Crowley claps his hands rubbing them together, "well have fun lovebirds and give my best to Sam and Dean."

"Chicken," you call to him.

Crowley winks and disappears.

You look over at Cas. He was fixing to say something but you smack your hand against his mouth, "if this has anything to do with us you might as well save it. I'm already fighting the fact that I almost want to kill you for everything that went on. I think you'll have a better chance if I'm human again."

He gently pulls your hand away from his face. Just to see if you could you push back with everything you have. Cas pushes back on your hand and you're locked in a standstill. You let off smirking. Guess you are equally as strong. Thanks Crowley. 

"You mean when, not if."

"Yeah whatever, lets get this bitchfest over with." You knock on the door. "How much will you give me if I leave my eyes black when they answer?"

Cas gives you a suffering look, "I don't think-"

"You're no fun Cas," you interrupt. But you let your eyes turn back to their natural color.

************

The door opens and immediately you're looking down the barrel of two guns. You hold your hands up in mock surrender. Cas frowns at you. "This joint still open? I could use a stiff drink."

The boys slowly lower their guns in surprise. Sam's the first one to recover and wraps you in a bear hug. You almost relax into it. The feel of Sam made something deep down stir. Being a demon, made you feel...numb. You think 'what the hell' and relax into the hug anyway. Sam just hugged you tighter. You almost felt happy for a split second. 

"Sammy, we've got to test her."

"She's with Cas, she's fine."

You shift to where you could see Cas out of the envelope of Sam's arm. You shoot a warning glance to keep his mouth shut. Cas's purses his lips and looks away. Sam finally lets go and gives Cas a brotherly hug. Dean's standing there awkwardly. Wondering if you would feel the same with Dean as you did Sam you move over to him.

"Are you still mad?"

Dean stares into your eyes and you try to keep your expression as nuetral as possible.

"Yes," he says in almost a growl. You shake your head slightly and go to move away before he grabs you and pulls you into a hug as well. 

Feeling something stir again you sigh. In a way, it was a relief to know that you still have some part of your humanity. Even if you could only feel it with the boys. And even though it's largely diluted. You tried to find some comfort in that but the demon part of you wouldn't let you. Any other time you would've ran into their arms, tears streaming down your face at the relief to be back. Now you're standing in a hug almost stoic, going through the motions before you give yourself away.

Dean rests his head on top of yours. Your face pressed into his neck you inhale deeply, trying to find that feeling again. "I was worried," you feel him rumble against your cheek. 

You give a low chuckle, "yeah me too". You pull away to see Cas almost angry. Knitting your eyebrows he immediately schools his features to a more nuetral expression. "So...how about a drink? And I'll fill you in on everything."

The boys move and you lock the door behind you. Cas grabs your arm tightly. "What the hell? What's got your panties in a wad?"

"You have to tell them," Cas whispers.

You jerk your arm back, "I'm about tired of being manhandled by you. And I will tell them, just calm down. They're going to know something's up with you being all pissy."

"You good?" Dean calls from downstairs. Shooting Cas a 'see what I mean look' you go down the steps. "Yeah we're fine, Cas has just been the biggest pain in the ass ever since I found him."

"I know what you mean," Dean says with a chuckle.

Sitting down at the table, you frown. You almost felt nervous. If you were still human you would be. 

"Hey, you ok? That voicemail..."

"Yeah, Sam, I'm fine. I'll explain."

Dean came back with some whiskey and with that you launched into the story starting when you knocked them out with their own spell. You tried to leave parts of your story out. Like when you ordered Crowley to kill angels so that you can have their grace. But Sam was too smart for all that. When he pressed the issue you gave in and told them what you had done. You explained killing other souls, and demons, and that girl outside the cabin. You realize from what happened with Cas you probably couldn't have saved her so maybe that'll bring you some comfort if you turn back human. 

Finishing up your story Dean looked pretty pissed off. Sam had an emotional war coloring his face and Cas. You were almost shocked. Cas looked at you in awe. When he met your eyes he quickly wiped the expression off his face. 

Cas explained his side of the story. He was being hunted by angels because he was looking for god. Most angels didn't want god found. They liked the way heaven was ruled now and they didn't want it changed. When word got out that Cas was trying to change that, they went after him. Demons got word of it too, and that's when Stolas saw his chance to get some help to take over hell. So Cas became hunted by both sides. He managed to run for a while before Stolas finally captured him and took away his grace. He was meeting the angels to discuss the deal and hand off Cas when you had showed up. 

When he was done it was you who finally broke the silence. "You were pretty beat up when I found you, what didn't make sense was a piece of flesh carved out of your stomach."

Cas hummed in agreement, "enochian, so they couldn't find me. After Stolas took my grace he cut away the skin and carved a tracking sigil on my back. That way if something did happen he could find me again."

Sam shook his head, "what doesn't make sense is how you were almost dead yesterday and fine now."

Always leave it to Sam. 'Showtime, I guess.'

"I gave him the grace I took. What was left anyway."

Dean narrowed his eyes not liking where this was going. "How?"

You shrugged, "Crowley did it."

Sam looked over at Dean and Cas and looked back at you, "I'm sorry, he did what exactly?"

You huffed, "Cas was dying and he needed grace. I asked Crowley to kill me so that Cas could have it."

Sam gave you a pointed look knowing good and well you hadn't answered the question.

You looked at all of them, "fine. I asked him to cut my throat, but the slimy bastard didn't do it at first. What he did do, is knock me unconscious then slit my throat."

Dean swallowed some of his whiskey and you did too. "Then why are you here?"

You smile and flick your eyes to black.

A lot of things happen at once. Dean stands knocking over his whiskey glass and points the gun he had earlier at you. Sam moves to put his hand on Dean's arm. Cas has moved in front of you, pushing your seat back to stand in between you and Dean's gun. Cas had pushed you away so fast that the chair didn't scoot, but toppled back with you in it.

You sigh and pick yourself off the floor. 'Demon powers and I'm still clumsy as ever.'

"Move Cas" Dean booms.

Cas stays where he is. Sam looks over at you getting up off the floor. "Dean wait a moment."

Cas reaches a hand behind him towards you. You lightly grab his hand, enjoying the feeling of the warmth. As a demon you came to the quick realization that you both craved and hated these feelings that stired in you when you touched them. Cas squeezes your hand, "I don't like it either, Dean, but let's face facts. I need her. I won't be able to do this on my own, especially with this stolen grace."

Dean grits his teeth, "not like this, we'll find another way."

You couldn't see his face, but you assumed Cas softened by the tone of his voice, "what way Dean? One of you? Unfortunately your souls have already been damaged. Hers hasn't. She's got a better chance of fighting this than you do. I don't like it. But it's all we got. There's no more angels that would help me. They're too scared at this point."

Sam gently pulls the gun out of Dean's hand. Dean reluctantly lets him. "We can't trust her now."

You step out from behind Cas still holding his hand. Dean sees this but keeps his mouth shut. You draw on whatever humanity you have left, from Cas. "I know. I know what I am." You rubs Cas's hand letting your eyes go black and slowly go back to normal. "I still feel something. I want to fight it with everything I've got but I'm purposely trying to seek it out instead. I...feel something...with you guys. Otherwise I feel numb in a way, to my emotions. I won't turn on you. I won't hurt you."

Dean walks around the table and leans against it. "I want to believe you trust me. But I just can't."

You let go of Cas and walk to Dean. Leaning into him, you breathe the familiar scent of leather and something uniquely him. The more you're around them and can touch them, the stronger that feeling becomes. It's not much but it's something. Dean stays completely still, hands still gripping the edge of the table. "I get it. Whatever you need. Whatever makes you feel safe, I'll do it."

Dean grabs your shoulders tightly. You stiffen. Sighing he releases his grip and slowly runs his hands down your arms. "You do not leave Cas's side. Ever. He'll be in charge in keeping you in line. One mess up, or if we even think you're doing something sketchy, you'll be cuffed."

You shake your head the slightest bit. Dean playfully pushes his head against yours. "Please don't make me regret this," he whispers.

You push your head back against his, "I won't."

Sam comes and pulls you away from Dean and wraps you in another hug. "I think it's pizza and beer night."

You give Sam the eye, "I guess I'm not the only one who's changed."

Sam laughs and replies but you didn't hear it. You had turned back to Cas and you could've sworn that you saw the anger storming around him. Now that you think about it, you could focus with your demon powers and see his grace rippling. 

You start when Sam calls your name, "I'm sorry?"

"I asked if pizza and beer is okay with you."

"Yea that's fine." You look back at Cas and his expression was back neutral. Wondering what that was about you head into the other room.

**********

Dinner was normal. The boys filled you in on what you had missed. Turns out after that call with Sam, they had went after you. They got as far as the motel you stayed at and lost your track after that. They had left to go home and regroup. You had laughed at Dean's recount of scaring that same guy who had checked you in. Dean had a good laugh at your scribbled 'screw you' under the name. You laughed at the thought of how scared that boy was being threatened by two big FBI agents.

All in all dinner was good and you tried to glean as much enjoyment out of it as your demon self could. The only thing that was off was Cas. He was oddly quiet and you could almost feel the anger rolling in waves off of him. It made you a bit uneasy.

Dinner done, you cleared the table. Even in the kitchen you could hear the boys talking in hushed tones to Cas about you. Well not really about you, but how Cas was acting towards you. Guess they picked up on something too. The conversation halted when you came back into the room.

Sam stood first claiming he needed sleep. You initiated a hug out of habit but were glad when you finally felt him hug back. Pulling away you looked at him. Really looked at him. You saw the worries etched in his face. You saw how tired he actually was around his eyes. You hoped with everything you had that this would be over quickly and you could become human again. You missed your emotions. You wanted to feel the relief and the love from them, instead of this lukewarm sentiment. Sam leans down to press a kiss on your forehead. 

"You seem oddly okay with everything," you whisper to him.

"Ok? No. But this is fixable. So I'm okay with it because I have to be for now. Just fight it ok? I miss having the real you."

You gently nod, "night, Sam."

He hands you off to Dean, "night."

Dean wraps you in a hug and runs his hands through your hair. "I know you don't sleep and I mean what I said. At all times."

You sigh, "I know dad."

He forcefully tries to squeeze you hard in retaliation for calling him dad. You grab his arm and unhinge his grip barely using any of your demon powers. Dean winces, "almost forgot". Concern shadows across his face but he quickly conceals it. "Night kiddo."

"Night Dean."

You heave and turn to Cas. Before you get a word out he grabs your wrist. "We're having that talk now."

You can see his grace in almost clear view now. It's rippling across his body to the tips of his wings. "Fine," you say as you try to hold back the demon in you. While you still have this pull towards Cas, his grace is having a negative effect on you.

"Not here," he looks to the corridor where the boy's rooms are. 

You shrug trying to stay as calm as possible when everything in you is telling you to fight. "You heard Dean, doesn't matter as long as I'm with you at all times."

Cas tightens his grip on your wrist, "let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *more awkward silence* So I made you worse. I know. But Cas is back, so that makes up for it right? I've updated the tags to include language since I figured I used it enough to warrant a tag. I'm both scared and excited for the next chapter since I'm planning on trying something that I've never done before. I'm also probably going to have to update tags again if it works out.
> 
> Lots of love to you! And a huge thank you to anyone who has left comments or kudos on this story! It honestly brightens my day. Thank you so much!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How's life now? Cas is back in your life but things don't always go the way we plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! SMUT ALERT!!! I'll update the tags again but I actually wrote smut. I didn't chicken out like last time. I'm not saying that I wrote good smut. But it qualifies nonetheless. I think. Just for those who do not want to read it, I marked the part where it starts with one of these bad boys '++++' and I marked the end of it with the same plus mark. It's not pertinent to the story, but just in case you don't feel like you're in a smut reading type of mood, just know that you got some. K? K.
> 
> One more quick note. If you google 'Stolas demon' you'll see a wiki article about how he's the great knight of hell. However if you look at the google photos, he's an owl with a crown that they've tried to make look menacing. When I was trying to get a name for the demon, I stumbled on this one and couldn't contain my laughter. Granted I was super tired and it was really early in the morning but I found it humorous. So if you have a minute go check it out.

Using a bit of his grace, Cas moves you to an open field. 

You whirl around angry, "why did you do that? You're wasting it! Does nothing I did matter to you?"

You could still see his anger, "you misunderstand it does matter to me."

"So what? Is that why you're angry? It's a little too late for that now don't ya think?"

"No, it's not that."

You stand there with your hands outstretched to him. Opening and closing your mouth, you're at a loss of what he could possibly be so upset about.

"Well?"

You stare at him, "well what? You tell me cause I have no idea what the hell you're talking about."

"Dean."

You were getting impatient. "What about Dean?"

"When were you going to tell me?"

You look around like the grass was going to give you answers. "Seriously Cas, what the fuck are you asking?"

Cas folds his arms over his chest, "when were going to tell me about you and Dean?"

You grit your teeth, "Again. What. The. Actual. Fuck. Are. You. Talking. About?"

"Y/N just please...when did it happen? While I was gone? I know I haven't exactly been...around...but I thought" Cas clears his throat, "you were, I mean we were..."

You stand there in shock. You and Dean? Cas thought you and Dean had...gotten together? He was...jealous?

You laugh at the ridiculous thought of you and Dean together. "You know Cas, Crowley was right, you are an ignorant slut."

Cas furrows his brows. "Me and Dean were never together, not even close. Well unless you call close, me crawling into bed with him because I was stressed and worried and couldn't sleep, close."

"What happened?"

You really didn't want to talk about that. "It doesn't matter now. But what's great is that you thought I was sleeping with Dean. Were you not at dinner? Did you not hear the b.s. I went through for you?"

Cas looked confused. "You were all over him. And even when you told them that you were a demon, he was quick to forgive you. He was running his hands over you and through your hair."

Now some girls think jealousy is cute. But you were never one of those girls. 'All over him? Who the fuck does he think he is?'

"Let me tell you something right now, Castiel, you don't have any grounds to stand there and judge me. What if I did sleep with him? Or Sam? Hell what if I had screwed both of them? What does it matter to you? You left! I prayed to you. You heard them, I know you did. I begged you to stop by, or call, or text, or send something letting me know that you were still alive. That you were ok. But you didn't." Cas opened his mouth. "DO NOT interrupt me! You wanted to talk so here it is. I'm talking now and I believe the least you can do is stand there and listen." Cas closes his mouth.

"Not that you deserve it, but I'm going to explain myself. I feel nothing. Literally nothing. I'm dead inside. All I know is indifference or anger. And being around you three, helps me retain some shred of humanity I have left. I was 'all over him' because I needed to be. Because I have this huge voice in my head that's screaming at me to walk away from them. And to kill you. And yeah, we have gotten closer since you left. That's what a year does to you. That's what saving someone's life and them saving you does. I became pretty touchy-feely with those two because I was comfortable with them. And now I need it more than ever. I need this tiny bit of hope. That when this is all done, some level of normalcy will come back. I don't expect to be the same. I think I've done too much for that. But I want to know that just maybe I have a chance to be me again. And if that makes you jealous or pisses you off then you're just going to have to fucking deal with it because they were there for me when you weren't. They were there even when they knew I wanted it to be you. Family doesn't run Cas. Family doesn't skip out when things get rough. They stick by your side and they protect you. And they damn sure they answer a call for help."

You knew you needed to stop talking, like yesterday, but it was all pouring out whether you meant it to or not. "You know, you angels sit there judging humans for being imperfect. For us lying, stealing, creating wars...but how are you any different? Heaven is in a war right now. Hell is in a war. Both sides fighting for what they believe is right. And yet you call us broken." You step into Cas's space. "For all of that, we humans still love, we humans still stick together, we still try to find happiness and joy. Did you ever think that maybe God didn't create us to be broken? That maybe by creating us, he was showing his angels that it was you who are broken?"

While you were ranting, Cas was calming down. You could no longer see the anger around him. By the time you had stopped talking you knew that you had went too far. You felt the tiniest twinge of guilt in your stomach. Cas met your eyes. They were full of sadness and regret. You gently place your hand in his. You knew that you should apologize but you couldn't. Forcing that out would sound insincere. So you settled, "I don't know what else to say, Cas. But no, to answer your question, I'm not with Dean. Never have been."

Looking into his blue eyes you could see his heart shatter. "I...am broken. I know that."

The strongest feeling that you've had in months felt like a punch when he said those words. You quickly act on it and throw your arms around his neck, smashing your lips against his. Cas puts a hand on your collarbone and forces you back a little bit, just enough to be gentler. Using his tongue he urges you to open your mouth.

Something strange happened when Cas kissed you. The human part of you that still loved him grew to the point where you were blinking back tears. The demon part of you was almost shuddering in disgust. You were trying to coax one while pushing the other one down. 

Turning your focus back to Cas, you wrapped your arms tighter around him. You could almost taste the tears and the sorrow. "I missed you," you whisper.

Cas moves to where he's kissing across your face and down your neck. "I am truly very sorry," he says in between pecks. 

You shake your head indicating that you heard him. But you were quickly becoming irritated for no reason. Well there is a reason but it didn't make sense. Cas was being too gentle. He had an arm wrapped around your waist holding you close and the other arm gently holding your hair away from your face.

Cas kisses you again but this time it was like the demon in you reacted to the angel in him. You felt your eyes flick to black. The demon part flared up and you couldn't feel any part of your humanity anymore. You bite down on his lip roughly. 

It was Cas's turn to be surprised, "what was that?"

You smirk and pull his tie a little bit looser from his collared shirt, "you're sorry?" You grab the hem of his shirt and pull them untucked from his pants. "Then show me."

+++++++++++++++

"Y/N, I don't think that's such a good-"

You unbuckle and pull the belt away from his pants. "It sounds like a great idea to me," you purr.

"We should-"

"Come on Cas," you lightly push on his erection through his pants and he grabs your hip, "you're still attracted to me."

You lean forward onto your toes and scrape your teeth along his earlobe, "maybe a tiny part of you is even more attracted now that I'm a demon?"

Feeling the smallest bit of pressure change on your hip, you knew you hit something. Smiling you playfully bite his neck. "It's wrong you know. You're probably right, we shouldn't be doing this." You run your tongue over the bite to soothe it. "But aren't you always tired of following orders? You've been good for so long..."

You trail off letting your fingers barely caress his cock through his pants. Cas growls and before you've realized that he moved, you're on your back on the ground. You turn your head to look around and realize that you're laying on his trench coat with both of you naked. "You're no fun," you pout.

Cas gently kisses you again and you push back roughly. He pulls back to kiss on your neck. Getting impatient you bite his collarbone hard. "Cas, come on you're not going to hurt me." Cas continued like you didn't say anything. "Demon remember?" Cas kisses you on the forehead. "Cas-"

Cas quickly pushes you back flat on the ground by your throat. He wasn't pushing hard, but had enough pressure behind it to let you know he was serious. "Shut up." 

Alright. You close your mouth. You stare at him waiting for what he was going to do. Cas's eyes roam over your body, lingering over the scars from the angels. Pursing your lips you stretch a bit and arch your back. His eyes snap back to yours. Blowing him a sarcastic kiss you relax and let your body fall back to the ground.

Cas moves his hand off your throat. "You going to do something tonight Castiel or you going to run like every other time?"

Cas's eyes blaze when they meet yours. He forcefully shoves his knee into the back of your thigh to where you have to move it up onto his hip. You lurch forward when he reaches between you to rub your clit.

You were already wet but Cas seemed to want to string it out. He gently puts a finger in you. "Come on Cas," you breathe more than speak. Inserting two, he watches for your reactions. You push down with your hips onto his fingers. He quickly takes the hint and inserts three. 

You were already wound tight. It's been a year that you've been wanting to do this and you weren't about to wait any longer. You plant your heel down, and ride Cas's fingers.

"Shit Y/N" Cas rasps. Leaning back on his heels he places his other hand on your abdomen and pushes down in rhythm to your thrusts. 

You lightly laugh, "enjoying the show?" You slow down and make sure to move far enough back to where his fingers are completely out, then sink all the way down, grinding when you couldn't go any further.

Moving quickly again, Cas pins your hands above your head. "You've gotta quit using your grace."

Cas holds your wrists in one hand and grabs himself with the other, lining up. "You should learn to keep your mouth shut."

You raise your eyebrows, "is that so?"

Cas barely puts the head of his cock in and you gasp. Pulling back out, you crack open your eyes. Cas's pupils are blown and you could see just a tiny bit of sweat on his face and shoulders from the moonlight. Keeping his eyes locked on yours he slowly pushes back in. Your eyes dropped back closed as you feel your walls expand. Cas slowly pulls back out.

"What're you-?"

"Beg" Cas voice had dropped another timbre from what you had thought possible.

You shudder slightly, "what?"

Cas releases your wrists and pulls one of your legs up over his shoulder. He wets his lips, "Don't want to stop talking? That's fine. I said, beg."

You go to lift up and you barely move. Cas is still using his grace, but this time to keep you still. He resumes thrusting and it's maddening. He pushes in just a little and pulls out all the way. After a few times of this, he barely runs his thumb over your clit causing you to jerk. You bite your lip to keep from whimpering. 

Stubbornly you keep quiet thinking that Cas would grow tired of it. Instead, he changes tactics. Cas slowly pushes all the way in. You sigh in relief thinking that he gave up. But when he stopped, you realize what was happening. Cas waits and pulls back out. Gently running his hand over your nub he very slowly pushes all the way back in and doesn't move. Looking down at where you are joined, he puts some pressure on your clit and you honest to god mewled. Cas smiles and starts to very slowly pull back out again.

"Please..."

Cas stops, "what is it?"

'Fuck it' you think. "Cas please...please I need you."

Cas leans back over you, "need what?"

You swallow hard, "you. I'm...begging you. Please just fuck me."

Cas dips his head and kisses you deeply, "good girl." 

He wraps your legs around his hips again and immediately sets a punishing pace. His hips snapping into yours, you feel your orgasm coming on quickly.

"My wrists...Cas," you gasp in between thrusts. 

Cas releases the grace from them. You immediately grab his neck pulling him back down into a kiss. Cas digs his hand into your thigh as you start to thrust with him.

"Fucking hell Cas right there" you rasp. You thrust back harder losing rhythm the closer you get. 

Cas is losing it too as he growls, "cum for me Y/N."

The pressure in you snaps and all you hear is white noise as your orgasm tears through you. You're barely aware of Cas cumming shortly after you. Laying there, you try to catch your breath as Cas buries his face into the crook of your neck.

+++++++++++++++

You breathe deep, not wanting to move for the next century. Cas finally lifts his head and places a lingering kiss on your temple.

You expected the demon part of you to flare and cause you to bite his head off again, but it was oddly quiet. You give him a small but genuine smile and a quick peck on the lips.

"Come on Y/N, let's get a shower."

He pulls you to your feet and you both start getting dressed. Pulling the trenchcoat off the ground with two fingers on the sleeve you hold it out to him. You wrinkle your nose in disgust.

Cas rolls his eyes and throws the trench coat over his arm. Putting a hand on the small of your back he pushes you forward. "We're walking back."

"Alright," you say as you grab the long sleeve shirt you had on over your tank top. Just buttoning two of the buttons you say screw it and throw your tank top on top of Cas's trench coat. 

After a few minutes you realized that he had just zapped you to the field beside the bunker. The walk took less than ten minutes.

In order to stay quiet, you guys had come through the garage. As soon as you made it down the hallway it was apparent that you didn't need to worry about that. 

Dean had just walked into the room biting into a sandwich and Sam had the laptop open sitting at the table. Sam's mouth fell open at the sight of both of you. Dean starting choking on his sandwich and quickly pulled it out of his mouth.

Once Dean stopped coughing he leaned against the table smirking. "So...what are you two up to?"

You looked down. You've got bits of grass and dirt on you and your shirt wasn't buttoned evenly. Looking over at Cas, he didn't look much better. His shirt was thrown on, not buttoned, and most of his clothing was thrown over his arm. His crisp white shirt was hopelessly wrinkled with more dirt than what you had on you. Seeing something out of the corner of your eye, you reach into your hair and pull a small twig out of it.

Dean nudges Sam, "looks like you're not the only one who likes demons, hey Sammy?"

Sam shoots Dean a bitchface and looks back at the two of you.

"Weren't you in bed?" you retort.

Sam gives you a gentle smile, "all your stuff is still in your room and there's clean towels in the cabinet."

You resist the urge to take off running, "goodnight AGAIN boys."

Dean gives a mock salute, "night" he says as you pull Cas with you down the hall.

*************

During the shower Cas was quiet and you were content not speaking. Something was up with him though. Everytime you cast a glance at him, he was always deep in thought. You inwardly sighed when Cas left the shower getting done before you. You stand there under the spray letting the water do all the work to get the remaining soap off your body. You spent some time wondering if maybe he regretted what you two had done. You sure as hell didn't. But then again, could you even feel regret? You doubted it. Shutting off the shower you step out to see Cas has already put on pants and was sitting on the toilet lid. He looked up as you stepped out.

Grabbing a towel, you vigorously run it through your hair. As you were drying off your body, you felt a hand grab your hip. You look up as Cas is pulling you towards him. You stop moving when Cas straightens and sits with his legs around yours.

You barely feel the brush of his fingers as he traces the scars on your stomach. Passing over the enochian and anti-possession tattoos, you couldn't take the silence anymore. "Crowley gave those to me before I left to find you."

Cas keeps quiet and gently lifts your hand that has the continuation of the burn on it. "Part of it is on the back of my thigh too."

Cas sighs loudly and drops your hand, "I could spend centuries apologizing and it still wouldn't be enough."

You grab his face, "that's for another day. We'll get your grace back and hopefully turn me back into a human and then we'll talk."

You see the moment when Cas reluctantly lets the subject drop. "Come on, get dressed. We have some research to do."

*****************

Two weeks later you find yourself sitting at the table forcefully stabbing a piece of chicken as all of you ate dinner. The table was silent except for the normal sounds of cutlery and glassware scraping across the plates and table. Two weeks and you were no closer in finding Stolas. There wasn't even a hint to where he had been. It was like he disappeared. Crowley had his demons out looking for him as well and they haven't found anything. Tensions were high and everyone was at each others throats for the last few days. 

The demon in you was restless. You could feel it pacing back and forth in a cage. You were angry all the time now. It didn't matter what it was. 

Sam and Dean had put off all cases in order to focus on this. You knew that this was one of the major reasons that they were on edge. They weren't used to just letting people die while they sat around waiting for some kind of clue about Stolas's whereabouts. 

Looking up to Sam and Dean you could see the stress etched around their eyes and mouth. Sam had the laptop sitting beside him at the table. That thing has been running nonstop pulling information from all across the country. Dean was on his third beer since dinner started about 10 minutes ago. 'Isn't that just great. What an idiot. If for some reason we did find something, at this pace he'd be too drunk to bring along much less drive. But that's Dean, just act and never think about the consequences.'

Your thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of Cas touching your hand. You met his eyes which were looking at you in concern. You fight your first instinct which was to lash out. It's been harder to control your demon side whenever he's been around. 

Cas pulls your hand open and removes a horribly bent fork from it. Looking back at him, he blinks his eyes twice. In confusion, you look at Sam and Dean. Sam's fixed a hard stare on you while Dean has finished eating and is sat back in his chair with a beer.

Dean seems like he's nonchalant but you could tell something's got him on alert. "You may want to rein that back in," he says gesturing to his eyes.

So you're the reason he's on alert. "I would say that about the alcohol but it would fall on deaf ears."

"I'm serious Y/N."

You snort, "yeah and I was joking". In spite, you left your eyes black. 

"I'd do it," Sam chimes in.

"Oh you're taking his side now?" You shake your head at Sam. "And here I thought we were friends."

"We are, as your 'friend' I'm telling you-"

"Again with the orders-"

Dean slams his beer down, "dammit Y/N we're not trying to start a fight here."

You chuckle, "of course not. You'd lose."

Dean's jaw tics. "I'm asking you one last time," he says through his teeth.

You were starting to lose all semblance of common sense or reason. "I never heard you ask a question. You just told me to."

"I will cuff you," Dean warns.

You smile at him, "I'd like to see you try."

Dean's deceptively still for a moment before he suddenly stands. Using your powers you throw Dean against the wall and hold him there. Sam grabs you and you flick your hand throwing him against the other wall. Just because you could, you add a bit of pressure on their chest making it hard from them to breathe.

"Y/N." You turn and look at Cas. His eyes were glowing with grace, just a warning to make sure you knew he was serious. 

"Yes Castiel?" you say sweetly. You apply a bit more pressure on the boys.

"They're not what you want. Your anger isn't for them," he states plainly.

You grit your teeth. Somewhere deep down you knew he was right and you were trying to fight it. But you weren't having much success. 

You were scraping around for any bit of your humanity that you could find. The demon part of you just kept building up instead. You were losing this battle.

"Y/N," Cas tried again.

"NO" you shout as you yet again increase the pressure on Sam and Dean.

You heard the boys choking and felt the grace building in Cas as he prepared to do something but something Sam said cut through.

Turning around you let a little bit of pressure off of Sam. "What?"

Sam gasped for air, "family. You're family," he choked out.

'Family'. You start repeating it like a mantra in your head until you could get a handle on your demon side. Slowly you start to release Sam and Dean. When Cas pulled back his grace it became easier to let go. Gently, you set the boys back on their feet and released them. Keeping your fists clenched you turn to Cas. "Please leave the room. I can't contain it properly with you here."

Cas stares at you searching your face. Nodding the smallest bit he walks out.

You look over at Dean who won't look at you. "Dean I-" He grabs his plate taking it to the kitchen and leaves the room.

You feel Sam's hand on your shoulder and you sigh. "I don't know how much longer. I can't do this forever." Sam starts rubbing your back and you start to feel your humanity come back to life. "I'm worse when I'm around Cas. It's like the voice you have in your head but way worse. It's all I can think about. I legitimately want to kill him."

"Just fight it for a little longer. We'll find Cas's grace and get you back to normal."

"But Dean-"

"Dean will get over it. Give him some time."

"I promised. And I hurt the both of you."

Sam laughed, "so? Dean needs to be thrown against a wall every now and then. Trust me, it's gonna take more than that for Dean to walk away."

"What? Almost killing him?"

"I've done it a few times myself. Lost my soul, slept with a demon, drank demon blood...the list goes on."

"But you're his brother."

Sam grabs you by the shoulders and turns you to face him. "And you're family. I meant what I said. He was out of his mind worried when you left to be with Crowley. He barely slept trying to find you. You're here now and alive. Doesn't matter if you're a demon or not. Give him a moment to calm down and he'll realize that too."

You wanted to believe Sam but there was always that doubt that you've gone too far. "I'm not the same person I was, Sam."

Sam pulls you into a hug, "we never are. It'll be okay."

Wrapped in the warmth of Sam's hug, you could almost believe him. Almost believe that things would turn out like they wanted. 

"Can I stay with you? Today was too close."

Sam nods, "yeah if it'll help."

"I'm going to go shower."

Sam lets you go without a word.

You spent the entire time staring at the tiles on the wall. You didn't wash your hair or your body. You just stood there under the spray letting the sound of water echo around you. Stoically you stopped fighting whatever was in you. You let the numbness seep into your bones. Let it spread through until the water ran cold. Shutting it off, you dry yourself and and spent some time looking in the mirror. It was always the eyes. Tinged in red and sunken in, you wore the stress of everything around your eyes. 

You heard the door open and knew who it was when your eyes went black. Cas wraps his arms around you from behind and gently places his chin on top of your head. His eyes were slightly glowing as a response to you. Looking between your faces it struck you how absurdly predictable this is from a story or book perspective. 'Two people who weren't meant to be together. Her, a demon. Him, an angel. Does love truly conquer all or will the circumstances of their world tear them apart?'

Cas breaks your thoughts by placing a kiss on the crown of your head. Looking over your features one last time, he leaves the room.

Wrapping the towel around you a bit tighter, you go to get clothes out of your room. Passing by Dean's room you predictably hear music playing. Lightly running your fingers on his door, you took Sam's advice and left him alone. Once in your room, you change and brush your hair out. Avoiding your mirror, you leave to go to Sam.

Sam was already in bed with his arm thrown back supporting his head. Shutting the door you make your way over and crawl in beside him. Laying down you stare up at the ceiling. You could feel Sam's eyes on you but you couldn't bring yourself to say anything.

"I explained everything to Cas. I believe he understood."

You shook your head to acknowledge that you heard him.

Sam shifts and one big arm comes into view, wraps around you, and pulls you right into him. He settles you in the crook of his arm laying on your side. He tucks his right arm around you and grabs your hand placing on his chest with his hand covering yours. He lays there in silence for a bit. You feel Sam's heart beating through your fingertips. 

Sam immediately launches into a summary of the book he's been reading and it's exactly what you need. You half listen to what he's saying but more than that was just the sound of his voice. You try to absorb every bit of it like it was going to save you from this. You close your eyes listening to the highs and lows of it. He gets to parts that he really likes and his heartbeat quickens just the slightest bit. All the while he keeps his hand pressed onto yours and absentmindedly runs his fingers through your scalp. It's soothing like ice water on a hot day. Sam goes on tangents and talks about what he would've done differently. He argues about untrue facts in the story and gripes about loopholes and loose ends. And you let him. You keeps listening until his voice gets tired, and the words start slowing down, and eventually he trails off and falls asleep.

Just that little bit and being this close to him, gives you a little more humanity than you started with. You shift to get more comfortable and settle in for the night.

***********

Sometime before the sun came up, you gently untangle yourself from Sam's arms and leave the room. Looking through the bunker you didn't see Cas anywhere. You were a little disappointed but you understood why. If you could get some air you would.

Seeing no one up yet, you decide to put on some coffee and start some breakfast. Looking through the fridge you decided that eggs, pancakes, and bacon would be enough.

You were about three pancakes in when you felt someone in the room. Turning, you see Dean in standing at the door unsure of what to do. Grabbing a mug out of the cabinet you pour some coffee in it and walked over to him. Pressing the hot mug in his hand, you move him to the small table in the kitchen and made him sit. Turning back to the stove you flip the pancakes and throw some more bacon on the skillet. You smile to yourself when you heard him take a sip of coffee. 

Spending the night with Sam did you a world of good. You felt more human than you did in a while. Your emotions were still muted, but you didn't have to struggle as much to feel them. You counted it as a small win. Dean sitting there having his coffee with you in the same room was a huge win. 

You pull the bacon off onto a plate to let the grease drain and add some more. Knowing the boys, one pack of bacon wasn't going to cut it. While you were getting more bacon out of the fridge, Dean goes over to the stove and flips the pancakes. Hesistantly, you take a spot beside him and cut open the pack of bacon. Handing him a plate to put the pancakes on, you wordlessly start to add the bacon to the skillet. 

Working together in silence, you hope that this means he has forgiven you. Staring at the bacon cooking, you stress about the things you did yesterday. You jump when Dean interrupts by bumping your hips with his. Searching his face you didn't see any trace of anger. Throwing your arms around him, you bury your face into his neck and squeeze. You feel Dean's arm snake around you and let out all of the leftover tension in a sigh. 'Screw a win, I'm calling this a victory.' 

Dean gently untangles you and you both go back to making breakfast in silence. Sam gets up when breakfast is almost done. Grabbing a cup of coffee he takes a sip and annoyingly stands behind you resting his head on top of yours while you're trying to remove the bacon from the pan.

You swat at him trying to get him to move. "Do you want me to burn you with this oil?"

Dean's grabbing the eggs out of the fridge while this is happening. On the way back he kicks the back of Sam's knee causing his knee to unlock and bump into you. The unexpected force causes you to slosh the bacon grease in the pan, spilling some of it on you and some on the stove. 

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

"Dean could you hand me a towel?"

Dean looks over and sees your arm red and already blistering. "Shit Y/N! I'm sorry." He hurriedly grabs a towel and presses it to your arm.

You shrug, "I don't really feel it."

Dean looks at you and then at Sam.

"I know. Just another reminder that I'm not human anymore." 

Dean gives you a disappointed look.

"What? You both were thinking it."

"CAS!!?" Dean bellows.

You shake your head, "Dean it's fine see?" You lift the towel away to show your arm healed back over. "Demon remember?"

Cas walks into the room. Guess he didn't leave after all. "What is it, Dean?"

You interrupt before Dean can say anything. "Dean tried to burn the demon out of me."

Cas looks at Dean in confusion, "you can't do that. Demons aren't burned out. Especially since Y/N isn't a vessel to anyone but herself."

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose. "Y/N was kidding, Cas. I hit Sam who hit her and she spilled oil on herself, which burned her."

"I'm fine now."

Cas looks at your arm. "Good. I would dislike being chastised for using too much grace."

"Oh ho," Dean exclaims, "angel's got jokes after all."

"Come on guys, lets eat," you say.

Cas goes to leave the room. "Cas, you could stay. That is if you want to."

Cas looks between the three of you. "Thank you, but I think I'll just watch some Netflix."

"Cas buddy-" Dean starts.

"Yeah Cas join us," Sam pleads.

Cas meets your eyes. "I'm doing better today," you state.

Cas shakes his head no anyway. "I'd like to keep it like that." 

You felt your heart sink as he left the room. You knew he was doing it for you but it still sucked.

Dean moves you into a chair and gets a plate of food for you. Once the table is set and Dean grabs a plate for himself, he takes the seat beside you and moves to where your chairs are almost touching. Spreading out, he rests his leg up against yours. Knowing Dean's way of comfort, you give him a grateful smile.

The day went on with nothing really happening. The boys dedicated much of their afternoon to more research. Dean did leave for a while to do maintenance work on Baby. No matter what though, the boys made sure to keep you close. They went out of their way to brush your hand. They hugged for no reason at all. If they even passed by you, they reached out and touched you in some way. You appreciated every gesture. 

You, however, didn't see Cas for the rest of the day. Cas stayed wherever the hell he was in the Bunker and didn't leave. Dinner came and went, ending with the three of you on the couch watching a movie that Sam got to pick for once.

Dean was on the end of the couch with you sitting beside him and Sam on your other side. Dean shifts you to where your back is almost towards him and throws his arm over your shoulder for you to lean against him.

A few minutes into the movie, Sam moves to where his legs are dangling over the edge of the couch and his head is resting in your lap. 

Dean rolls his eyes, "you're too big to be doing that Sammy."

"Not true," Sam retorts.

You keep quiet and focus back on the movie. A few minutes later, Sam's sighing brings you back into reality. You were running your fingers through his hair and scratching lightly against his scalp. "Your hair's so freaking soft. I'm jealous." You run your fingers through once more and stop.

Dean scoffs, "you and that damn hair. I swear to god I'm going to cut it one day."

Sam ignores Dean, "keep going."

"Whore," you mumble under your breath but resume playing with his hair. Dean hums in agreement.

You were enjoying the time spent with them, but halfway through the movie, it was ruined by a figure materializing between the TV and the couch. Sam jumps up quickly and Dean reaches for a gun that isn't there.

"Well isn't this sweet," Crowley cooes in sarcasm.

"Dammit Crowley! You couldn't of called?"

"Well squirrel, as it turns out I did call. I also called the moose here," he says as he gives both of them a pointed look, "but since you weren't answering I figured I'd stop by to make sure you weren't dead yet."

Crowley looks you up and down, "how's demon life treating you my dear?"

"Like shit."

Crowley nods, "as it's want to do."

"What do you want Crowley?" Sam asks.

"Well while you three...where's the giraffe?"

"Here" Dean says simply.

"Well while you FOUR were taking a vacation, I've found Stephen."

"How? Where?" you ask, feeling the demon start to stir inside you.

"I may have sent a mole in under the ruse of wanting to join his side in return for a higher rank in hell."

"He wouldn't find that odd?" Dean asks.

Crowley shrugs, "he's an unassuming demon. Not powerful at all, so I doubt it."

"A higher rank?" you ask. "Why would he want that?" 

Crowley looks at you, "do you always focus on things that aren't important? Did you hear me say that I found Stephen?" You keep quiet and Crowley sighs, "he didn't like his current position and when I had told him to do this he demanded that I raise his rank. So if this all plays out like it should I'll now have an interior designer."

You stare at Crowley in consternation trying to figure out if he was joking or not. Crowley shrugs under your stare. "It doesn't matter to me what hell looks like. Unless he starts painting clouds and unicorns on my walls."

"You run a weird hell, Crowley," you say.

"Very true love. Either way, we need a plan and that's why I'm here. Stephen's camped a few hours away. So get the angel and lets get going."

You jump to your feet to go get Cas. The demon in you pushes to the surface at the thought of finally getting to see some action. As black takes over your eyes, the small human part of you worries about how excited you are at the thought of killing someone.

**************

With everyone gathered in the war room, ideas start getting thrown around. From Crowley's info they're a few hours away mainly planning their next move. Much like you guys were. However, he had around 70 to 80 demons. 

"What about angels, Crowley?" You were absentmindedly listening to everyone's ideas getting shut down while drawing on a piece of paper.

"Apparently heaven has cut ties considering the last one that was killed by yours truly. They're not sending anymore help."

You snort, "of course not. They want something that could kill a bunch of demons in the process of getting it. Why would they send more of their precious kind to die?"

You ignore Cas's stare and continue drawing. Taking a swig of beer from the bottle you listen as Sam and Dean fight over their next course of action. Dean wanted to go ahead and hit them before they got a plan together. Sam wanted to wait until Stolas showed his hands first. Dean argued about civilian life. Sam argued against running into gunfire. And blah, blah, blah.

You tuned out. You didn't give a rat's ass about how it happened. You just wanted it to happen now. The demon was chained and had been begging to be let out for some time now. Loosening the leash you allow it to take over some. You felt your eyes go black as you contemplated how messy this was going to be. No matter who's plan you guys end up going with, it was going to be a battle. Probably a glorious one at that. For the first time, you would get the chance to paint the ground in blood. To rip the demons apart in their vessel. To watch Stolas grasp on to the threads of his fading life as he realizes he's dying. The thought almost had you salivating in anticipation.

Crowley's snapping fingers brought you out of your reverie. Dean's concerned look reminded you to pull the demon back. Not really wanting to, you just let your eyes go back to their normal color instead. "Yes?"

Sam clears his throat, "your opinion matters..."

Looking around at the group, your concern for them was fading the longer time went on. You wanted out there. You wanted blood.

"How much, Cas? How much do you have left?"

Cas shifts in his seat, "enough to be useful".

You raise your eyebrow, "enough to be useful and not die afterwards?"

Cas presses his lips together in a thin line. "That's what I thought. I say attack while we're ahead."

Sam opens his mouth to retort, "hear me out. Everyday we waste is less grace Cas has. And we have an advantage."

"There's 80 demons, Y/N."

"Yeah Sam, I heard Crowley the same as you. They don't know Cas isn't human anymore. They don't know I'm not an angel. They hopefully don't know that we know where they are. We have a distinct advantage." You furrow your eyebrows and look at Crowley. "Which by the way, why are they so close?"

"Don't know love."

You ponder that for a moment. "Call him."

The table erupts with the boys arguing with you. You try to interrupt several times and they just talked louder over you. Using your powers you shut their mouth closed. 

"Better. As I was saying, call Stolas. I'll talk to him on the phone and see if I can't get a little more information out of him. It's strange that he's come from Washington out this far."

Muffled sounds from the boys could be heard as Crowley throws you his phone. Dean stands and you sit him back down using your powe.

"Oh quit your bitching Dean. It'll be fine."

Dean glares at you as you dial. A few rings in and you hear the abnoxious, slightly nasally sound of Stolas's voice. "Crowley, long time no torture. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"You sound rather chipper for a dead man. Oh sorry you're far past that now."

"Y/N" he says in mild surprise, "how's Cas?"

"He's healing. I would ask how you are but you're still alive so..."

"It's a shame you got mixed up in all of this-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Where are you?"

"Why would I tell you that?"

"You have something that belongs to a dear friend of mine. I intend to return it to him."

"Caught that did you? Well, I have it safe and sound."

"Doesn't do you any good when you don't have the angel that goes with it."

"True but I'll get him back in due time."

"So you going to let me know where you are?"

Stolas laughs, "you don't really think you can get it back do you?"

"Try me," you practically growl into the phone.

Stolas is silent on the other end. After a couple of seconds you decide to push it, "are you worried Stephen? I'm just a human parading around as an angel. Or maybe you know that there's a fair chance you could get the shit kicked out of you."

"You're so sure? Bring the angel."

You look over at Cas. "He's not really in the shape to travel."

"I'll tell you where I am, if you bring him. You show up and there's no angel, then you won't get another chance at getting his grace back. You do bring him and it's you and me. Winner takes all."

"Deal."

"Akron, Nebraska. Oh and just to make it fair, why don't you stop by and grab those Winchester boys for me? I was going to get them myself to draw you out but this is much better. Less work for me." 

You throw the phone back to Crowley when Stolas hangs up. Looking over, Sam and Dean are both staring daggers at you. "Oh right." You release them.

"Don't think I still won't cuff you," Dean threatens.

You roll your eyes, "sure. So Stolas was on his way to you two. He wanted to get me out of hell. He's got Cas's grace too." You look over at him. "I'm supposed to bring you but he'll know something's up the second he sees you if not before."

"I'm warded here but we'll have to redo the cloaking if we're going to keep it from him." Cas doesn't look too worried.

"You mean the enochian he cut off you?" you ask.

"Yes. It should buy us a few minutes at least. He could see through it if he tried."

"Well we gotta keep the attention off you...and make you look beat up. So here's what we'll do...Crowley-"

"I think you've got the wrong idea. This isn't my fight. I've got a kingdom to run."

You stare at him, "don't want to be around in case it goes south?"

"Self-preservation is something that you lot could learn."

You mumble some choice words under your breath. "So essentially we get there, Cas lets his grace out playing pop goes the weasel with as many demons as he can and we pick off the rest. I'll go after Stolas."

Sam snarls his nose, "that's your plan?"

"What's your Sam?"

"Do you not see how this can go wrong?"

You shake your head no.

"YOU'RE a demon. If Cas let's his grace smite everyone how are you going to be still standing?"

Turning to Cas you wait for him to answer. Cas looks at you and then at the boys, slightly worried. "I don't think I can spare her. With humans it's different. I can pick you apart. But with demons...my grace doesn't see a difference."

"If I may..." Crowley interjects, "I could solve this little problem for you. While it's not certain that Castiel's stunt may kill you, especially with stolen grace, I can make it to where you're immune."

You purse your lips and wait. When Crowley doesn't say anything further you decide to speak up. "Cas is still more powerful with stolen grace than I was as a human with it. So what is it?"

"True, but just to be sure, I'll need to make you more powerful."

Dean starts to shake his head, "she's barely holding on as is. I know we need to get Cas's grace back but we still need her back too."

Crowley shrugs, "it's up to her. Could she handle it? Highly doubtful. Does she need to do it? Probably. That is if you want to have a chance."

Cas stands up out of his chair. "She's been through enough. I will not stand by and let her suffer more for my sake. I'd rather stay human."

While you normally would've thought that was sweet, your humanity was nowhere to be found at the moment. "Aww, little Cassie looking out for me? How nice."

Cas turned to you fuming, "Y/N you don't know what this will do to you."

"So? I made you a promise. I have a tendency to keep mine," you look over at Dean remembering when you said that you wouldn't hurt them, "well for the most part." Dean rolls his eyes. "I tried at least. Which is more than I can say for some sitting at this table."

Cas narrows his eyes at you, "this is foolish! You will turn into your worst nightmare. You think this" he says gesturing to your eyes, "is bad? You have no idea."

Sam puts a hand on your shoulder that you quickly nudge off. He frowns but touches you again anyway. "Dean was a knight. He barely made it out alive."

"He had you guys. He made it through. I'll still have you guys too. It'll be fine," you say nonchalantly. 

Truth being, you didn't give a damn. You were becoming less worried about getting Cas's grace back and more pissed that you haven't got revenge on the bastard who almost killed you. Complete honesty was that Cas's grace was just an excuse at this point. If Crowley was willing to make you more powerful, then you were gonna let him. 

"I think it's time to..." you trail off snapping your fingers at Crowley, "...you know..."

Crowley snaps about the time Castiel lurches forward towards you and grabs air. 

You stumble as you're pulled back into hell, holding Crowley's shoulders for support.

"Hey you got anything that'll fix this clumsiness."

Crowley gives you a wry smile, "no I tried. Your DNA is just shit."

"Bastard." You look around Crowley's unchanged office. "So what's the deal."

Crowley snaps two bracelets around both your wrists effectively rendering you powerless. "What-"

"It's for everyone's protection," he says almost apologetically.

You study the bracelets. The inscriptions slightly glowed as you turned them. "Demon traps."

"Unfortunately my dear. But these are much prettier than those medieval cuffs those two are lugging around don't you agree?"

You give him a pained look. The demon in you was fighting, thrashing around trying to find some way to break loose. You let out a small growl. 

"Better get used to it dear. I know it's uncomfortable but you'll have to deal with it for a few more hours at least."

"Get with it then," you say as you close your eyes and try to calm the demon down inside you.

Crowley grabs your hands and the demon goes silent. Opening them you met Crowley's brown ones. "You won't be able to control this. You won't even be able to try. It'll be consuming. Your soul is going to be twisted in a way that will be unrecognizeable." He pauses as he searches for something in your eyes.

He was giving you time. An out. A way to say no and go back to them. A way to tap into the humanity you have left and try to think things through.

Sam and Dean would be relieved. So would Cas. But even if you had a chance without this new power, would you still be able to save his grace? Worst case scenario, you all die. Slightly better, you kill Stolas but not get the grace. Cas would either die or live as a human. You shudder. Cas wouldn't be the same if he was human. Not that you cared if he had superhuman powers. It was that he cared. So much of his being was in his grace it would be hard to imagine him without it. It would be the equivalent of stripping him of a part of his personality. 

And Cas would never say a word. If you decided to let this all go, to go back and get healed, Cas would welcome you back with open arms. He'd stay by your side and grow old with you and live a human life...in the Bunker...because there wasn't a normal human life for either of you anymore. But Cas wouldn't complain, he'd spend it all with you and he'd tell you that it's enough.

You grit your teeth. Well it wasn't enough for you. You were fixing this even if it killed you. "Do it."

Crowley slightly nods his head. "If something happens and you stay like this, hell is always your home."

You knew what he was saying. There may be no going back for you. "Okay."

Crowley tightens his grip on both your hands. "This won't be pleasant."

You watched in horror as Crowley's eyes turned red and started to smoke. The demon in you felt like it was cowering down. You grit your teeth as you felt your hands being burned. You tried to pushed Crowley off you but he just clung tighter. Gasping in pain you watched as your veins begin to light up red under your skin. You start shaking as Crowley pushes more and more demonic power into you. You felt like you were being electrocuted from the inside. You couldn't help it, you screamed and gasped while it flowed through and consumed you. 

Crowley releases your hands. Falling to your knees, every muscle on your body is spasming. The lightening kept popping in you and you pound your fist on the ground against the pain. You finally gave into it and it stopped. You felt the difference as soon as you stopped fighting it. There wasn't a demon in you anymore. There wasn't humanity. It was just you, you were the demon now.

Being the gentleman he was, Crowley helps you back to your feet. Grabbing his offered hand you see the bracelet glowing brightly to contain you. 

"Come on doll. You're not finished yet."

Crowley snaps his fingers and you both appear back in the war room. Sam and Dean were both arguing with Cas on the other side of the table. 

Still holding Crowley's hand you look in disgust at the three men before you. They all three notice your reappearance about the same time. 

Sam however sees your bracelets first. "What is that?"

You curl your nose, "stupid humans" you say under your breath.

Crowley smirks beside you, "tell me about it", he whispers.

"Y/N, no" Cas breathes in disbelief, "what have you done?"

"I'm getting my revenge," you say as your eyes flick to white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep screwing you over. I'm sorry. Well I'm a little sorry. :) To be honest, I had forgotten about white eyed demons. Then I decided you needed to be one. There's a chapter maybe two since I tend to be long-winded before this story wraps up. We'll see. This one is being posted later than I intended it being. I may have spent almost all day watching spn cons on youtube. Anyway love you all, leave a comment if you want. And know that I'm super jealous of any of you reading this at comic-con. I'm anxiously awaiting the upload of the panel.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all wraps up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate endings. Lots of love to you!

Crowley leaves with a "call me" as soon as Dean pulls a gun on you. He throws the keys to the bracelets at Sam right as he disappears. You stare at Dean in boredom. 

Lifting your hands you shake your wrists around. "No worries Dean. Can't do a damn thing with these on." You pull a chair out and sit down heavily. "So when are we leaving?"

Sam stares at your white eyes with a small bit of fear on his face. "Lillith?"

"What? Who the hell is that?"

Sam blinks. Cas puts a hand on his shoulder. "It's Y/N, Crowley's upgraded her to just below a knight of hell."

"Son of a bitch! We can't do this. We need to call it off and heal her now." Dean says pacing back and forth at the end of the table.

"It won't work."

Dean stops in front of Cas, "excuse me?"

Cas looks over at Dean, "we can't just give her blood and heal her. It's not as simple as that now."

"Sure we can. Worked for Crowley. Worked for me."

"Crowley is a crossroads demon, Dean. It's not the same. And you being a knight isn't the same either. She has to be cured a different way."

"If I was stronger than a white-eyed demon then why can't we heal her?"

"Because your soul was already tainted, Dean. Hers wasn't. He twisted your soul to make you a demon. He forced hers with power. Human blood alone won't do anything but torture her."

"What the hell do we do Cas?" Sam asks.

Cas takes a moment to look at your smirking face, "I'll need my grace. Then we'll try to cure her."

You sigh from the other end of the table. "Can we just get there so I can take these damn bracelets off?"

"Oh no" Dean retorts, "those things are never coming off".

You slump back into your chair and huff, "alright you get yourself killed by Stolas and I'll take the keys from Sam then."

Cas diverts his attention back to Dean, "she's right. If we have a chance..."

"Dammit Cas, I said-"

"Dean."

Sam grudgingly takes his eyes off you. "Cas may be right."

"Sam I am not going to let her do this."

Sam gives him a bitchface. "She's already done it. What other plan do we have?" Sam watches as Dean fights with the decision. "I don't like it either, but I don't see another option right now. Not one that gets Cas's grace back and Y/N."

Dean grabs his beer and downs the rest. He walks around the table over to you and points his finger in your face. "I'm still cuffing you, you do exactly what we tell you to do when we tell you to do it. Any hesitation and I will put a blade through your heart."

You cross your legs and raise an eyebrow at him, "whatever does it for you sweetheart." 

"Sam get the cuffs." He turns back at you with that same finger in your face. "I mean it."

"Oh Dean," you say in your most seductive voice, "you really know how to show a girl a good time".

Dean clenches his jaw in anger. You open your mouth and bite at his finger without actually doing it. Dean stands up at the same time Sam comes back with the cuffs. You stretch out your hands. "Come on Dean, nice and tight now."

"Shut your mouth," Dean says as he's sliding the cuffs into place.

Checking to make sure they were good he looks back up at you. You smile and wink at him. "Sammy where are my damn keys? Let's get this over with."

****************

The drive was rather boring. You spent your time pissing the men in the car off. Cas was no fun as usual. He stoically accepted anything you threw at him. So that meant it left Sam and Dean. With Dean driving he kept the music blaring to drown out you. But the death grip he had on the wheel gave him away. Sam took bait for a while but soon reduced himself to silence. You quickly got bored and spent the rest of the time in silence as well. Dean finally turned down the music to an acceptable decibel after you went silent.

Pulling off the main highway onto a dirt road you turn and look at Cas's profile in what little moonlight way showing. Sure he was handsome in a weird sorta interesting way, but that was it.

"What did I ever see in you?" Cas gave no perceivable hint that he heard you. "I mean you're cute and all but honestly you're such a stick in the mud, you're more of a pain in the ass than you're worth. Is that why you were sent to 'raise Dean from perdition'? The angel's half hearted attempt to try and fix the situation? Maybe they were hoping you'd fail so they would be absolved from any guilt." You deepened your voice mimmicking an unknown angel, "but sir we sent a guy in and it turns out that it's impossible to rescue the Winchester human. We tried." 

"Y/N....shut...up" Sam said from the seat in front of you.

You lean more towards Cas, "what do you have to show for it? Being scorned by every being on the planet except for two? Your wings ripped to shreds? You've fucked up more times than Lucifer himself. For who? You'll sit there and say it's for humanity. For Sam. For Dean. But really it's not." You lower your voice to a whisper. "It's for you. To make you feel worthy. Special. That maybe your father will take note and pat you on the head and tell you what a good little angel you've been. All your reasons are selfish. That's why he hasn't come back."

Cas turns his face away from you. You see Dean staring daggers into your eyes from the mirror. You blow him a kiss. "It's okay Cas" you say as you move back to your side, "this'll be our little secret."

"This is it," Dean states in a flat voice as he shuts off the car.

"Great. How about you take your stupid cuffs off me to prevent tipping off Stolas?" 

Dean looks over at Sam. Sam nods and turns in the seat unlocking the cuffs.

"Now, as much as you three insist that this little ruse will work, I still say that you just leave me and let me kill them all." You eye Cas looking over the makeup of bruises you had put on him before you guys left. 

The plan was to make it look like Cas was hurt. Sam and Dean were to distract Stolas long enough for you to be completely uncuffed the same time Cas releases his grace to smite the majority of the demons. Sam and Dean would finish any demons left. And you and Stolas would finally have your alone time. 

"No way," Dean says looking out the window to the abandoned warehouse.

Sam hands Cas the key to your bracelets. 

"Whatever," you say eyeing the keys. Those were your ticket out. 

"Play your part, it'll be over quicker," Dean states flatly while getting out.

You roll your eyes and get out as well making sure to make a show of helping the "hurt" angel out just in case anyone was watching.

You take a deep breath of the night air. "Beautiful night for spilled blood" you mumble under your breath. 

Dean's looking around while Sam is walking towards the back of the warehouse. 

Sam comes back looking confused. "Where are they?"

You lean into the open window and lay on the horn for a full five seconds and start walking with a limping Cas out in the middle of the open.

Dean grits his teeth as you pass him. You shrug, "gotta let them know we're here. They're a dumb lot."

The demons start piling out of the building. You bite back a groan when you finally see him come out. Stolas. He changed his meat suit to something that suited him a bit better. Smug bastard. You can feel your mouth watering the closer you got to him. Almost time. You could taste the blood.

Sam and Dean push past the both of you to bring Stolas's attention on them instead of Cas.

"Nice of you two to join us," Stolas said in a welcoming voice. "I appreciate that I didn't get my hands dirty by coming to get you myself." 

He peers around Sam to look at you and Cas. You stiffen. Showtime. "Y/N, you look lovely as ever. I trust that you're well rested. This is your angel's life on the line you know. And by the looks of it, he may not have much left."

"Quit pandering Stolas. Just hand over the grace. You won't get hurt, yada, yada, you know the drill." Your heartbeat goes into overdrive as you feel Cas move slightly.

"Are you blind or stupid? Look around. You four are no match for my army." The demons laugh and snicker behind Stolas. "I believe I'm supposed to be making the demands. Hand him over."

"Over my dead body" Dean growls. Stepping forward he raises his chin.

"It will be your dead body, and your brothers, and your bastardized version of an angel over there. You see, I get what I want."

Cas reaches into his pocket and lightly places the key in the lock of your bracelet. You force yourself to stay still as he unlocks the first one and puts in the key in the second lock.

"You've really underestimated your enemy this time," Sam says from in front of you, moving so that Stolas's view is blocked.

Stolas laughs, "I've heard some stories about you guys. But no one ever mentions how funny you are."

Cas turns the key and your powers rush to the surface. "DOWN!!!" Cas yells.

Sam and Dean drop to the ground the same time Cas unleashes all the grace he has left on the demons. Anguished screams echo in the sky as you walk forward and draw a gun from Sam's belt.

You feel Cas's grace prickle and slightly burn your skin, but you've got tunnel vision. Stolas is shielding his eyes from the light as the demons are burning beside him. A few seconds and it's over. Stolas is faced away from you. You raise the gun and aim. Stolas looks to see maybe a fourth of the demons left and turns around. As soon as he makes eye contact with you, you pull the trigger. A single bullet rips through the air and hits him square in the chest.

He staggers slightly and put a hand over the healing wound. 

"Cas?!" Dean yells from somewhere behind you.

You smile at Stolas, "don't worry dear, it's just insurance. Gotta make sure you don't bitch out like last time."

Stolas stares at you. "Clever girl. But I wouldn't dream of missing this. I'm going to break every bone in that body."

You toss the gun back to Sam who snatches it out of the air. He shoots you a bitchface when he realizes the safety is off. You see Dean crouched beside Cas who's on the ground. "Dean you wanna get over here?" you ask in a bored voice. You turn back to Stolas and pull an angel blade out of your boot. You take a breath and release every last hold on your powers letting your eyes go white. You see the realization dawn on Stolas's face. You give him a genuine smile as you flip the handle of the blade around in your hand. "Every bone huh? Well come on, it's not nice to make promises you can't keep."

Stolas turns to look at the demons that were left. Silently he nods and walks back towards the warehouse.

You grit your teeth, "what a pussy" you mumble. The demons rush you. You faintly hear Sam and Dean behind you fighting. The demons were weak, not really a match for you. The more that died the more anxious you were getting. You didn't want them. You wanted, almost needed, Stolas's blood. You easily kill the ones around you and move towards the warehouse.

"Y/N a little help here," Sam yells across the field.

"Sorry Sam," you yell back without looking at him, "I've got a prior engagement."

Entering the warehouse, Stolas was leaning on a table. Seeing you enter, he smiles. "You and Crowley have been busy, I see," he gestures to his eyes. "I could use someone like you, you know, after I take hell. Why don't you join me? Free to do what you want for the most part. Kill whoever, torture some souls, it'll be fun."

"I'm good."

He scoffs, "so what? You're going to stay with the Winchesters and that angel? As a demon?"

"Probably not and I don't care either way. All I want is your blood on my hands."

"Why?"

You laugh, "you hunted me, you threatened me, and almost killed me once. I say that's enough."

"So no more than any other demon?"

"Yeah, and they're dead." You watch him remove something from his shirt pocket and place it on the table. After he releases it, you realize what it is.

"How about, you come join me in taking over hell, in return the angel gets his grace and the Winchesters live?"

You smile, "how about go fuck yourself?" He stares back in amusement. "You've misjudged my sympathies. I don't give a rat's ass about those three." 

You lunge at Stolas and he quickly moves out of the way. "Come on dear, you promised" you fake pouted.

Stolas unsheathes his own angel blade, "ok, we'll do it your way."

You grab yours and smirk.

Stolas lunges forward and you slightly turn. The blade rakes across your skin burning. Turning, you swing the blade as he ducks under it. He kicks out your feet from under you and you hit the ground. 'Damn him, he's quick.'

Kicking his knee, you quickly get up while he's off balance. He grabs you and brings the angel blade to your neck. "One last chance Y/N."

You grit your teeth and use your powers to release his hold on you. You spin bringing your blade up between you and slice a long stripe from his stomach to his collarbone. You jump back to put some distance between you.

Stolas gasps as the smoke starts to dissipate. The cut was bleeding heavily. Not deep enough to kill him though. Your nostrils flared. Your blade was dripping blood. You bring it to your lips and lightly run your tongue across it. You moan aloud at the taste of his blood. 

Stolas yells and comes at you again. You lost track of time. Both of you were laboring, sweat and blood dripping from both of you. He had gotten some good cuts in and you felt your split lip keep dripping down your face, but neither one could land a final blow. 

Biding your time, you wait until the perfect moment. It didn't matter that you were cut to bits, you had yearned for this moment and now that it was here, you were going to savor every last bit of it. But Stolas, was getting impatient. He was making bigger mistakes, leaving himself vulnerable. Each mistake you made sure to catch him with the blade. Just a little cut here and there.

Finally, your time came. Stolas swung at you backhanded with his blade leaving the majority of his body exposed. You moved letting his momentum carry through causing him to become unbalanced. Taking your chance, you swing your blade down, stabbing him through the collarbone. 

Stolas stares at you in disbelief. You grab him as he faulters and hold him upright. Grabbing his blade you push him against a post. "You were never worthy of hell." You bring the other blade between you and very slowly push it through his heart.

Stolas screams and his body burns with the sound of his voice echoing in the warehouse. The two angel blades rattle to the floor. 

You bring your thumb across your lip and wipe the blood off on your pants. You were still high off the fight. You weren't as satisfied as you had thought. All of it just left you craving more. 

You frown at the blades and turn around. In a second, Cas has the bracelets snapped back on your wrists. You roar at him in anger. You swing at him but with your powers limited, you didn't do any damage. Cas's eyes burn blue. "I suggest you refrain from hurting yourself more."

"I will murder you. You've got your grace, let me go." 

Cas studies your bloody form, "let me heal those. Your ribs are broken and you're cut deeply in some places." He reaches out two fingers and you jerk back.

"Don't touch me."

"But you're hurting."

"Fuck you."

Cas sighs. You hear the warehouse door open. You snarl your nose as you see Dean shouldering Sam's weight as they hobble across the warehouse. Cas walks over to them and heals them quickly. 

"Thanks Cas," Sam says quietly. They're all three staring at you now. Sam and Dean have worried looks on their faces. 

You bite your lip and spit the blood on the ground. "No worries. Castiel, the wonderful angel that he is, has got me in handcuffs. Again."

"Let's get her back so that we can cure her." Cas says to Sam and Dean. Cas pushes you forward in between the boys and you bump into the back of Dean. Grabbing his gun, you shoot him in the leg and swing your elbow into his body. Turning to aim at Sam, you feel Castiel's hand on your shoulder and everything goes black.

*********************

You wake up to the burn of holy water dripping down your face and body. You growl as your eyes flutter open. "Oh I should've guessed. It's the three fucking stooges." You test the bonds on the chair that you're strapped to. "Aren't you tired of playing these games yet? You could let me go and I'll let you walk away. No harm no foul."

Dean's standing with his arms across his chest, "you shot me".

"Who hasn't?" You look at his leg. "You're fine anyway."

"Ready to get this started?" Sam said. He's holding a needle that's swirling blue and red.

"You sure that's going to work? Blood and grace? Maybe it'll just kill me."

"Maybe," replied Sam "but I rather kill you then leave you like this."

You snarl as Sam moves closer to you and Dean splashes you with holy water again. You scream and Sam takes the opportunity to stab the needle in your neck. Searing white hot pain rips through your body and you scream again.

Sam winces as you try to catch your breath. Your skin is smoking and the veins under your skin are glowing. 

Sam casts a worried look at Cas, "is it supposed to do that?"

Cas shakes his head, "I don't know."

Dean purses his lips as you labor against the pain. "We'll see you in an hour." He all but pushes Sam and Cas out the door shutting you in.

You gather your bearings as you study the predicament you're in. You're heavily bound to a chair in the middle of a devil's trap. You still have the bracelets on and there's chains on your wrists and ankles to the floor. You fidget against the ropes to test the strength. They don't budge, not even a little. Resigned that you won't make it out of this one anytime soon, you sit and wait.

****

The second hour comes and Sam returns alone with another needle. 

"Why do you want me cured so bad Sam?"

Sam looks like he won't answer at first. But very quietly he states, "I miss my friend. My sister."

You wrinkle your nose, "you have such a dysfunctional family. Well I don't miss it. All those nights and days of being your researcher, your maid, your cook. Why the hell would I want to go back to that? It's not like you appreciated me really. You appreciated what I did for you."

Sam gives you another shot of blood. You toes curl up in your shoes and your body seizes against another onslaught of pain. You grit your teeth to keep from screaming but fail. 

"You're wrong." Sam says as he leaves quickly.

******

The third hour brought Dean who stoically eyes you in the chair. He takes a look at your reddened eyes and quickly drops his gaze.

You chuckle lightly. "The guilt. It's too much isn't it? Face it Dean, no matter how much you try, you're not actually saving anyone. You can't actually protect them. You do it once and you leave them broken and scarred to pick up the pieces of their former life themselves. Except for one. Me."

"Shut your mouth."

"You thought that maybe you could protect this one. You and brother. And look at us now. The twisted circumstances that we're in, and you've only made it worse like everything else you've touched. Everyone says that you shouldn't get close to the Winchesters. They use you up and leave you die, cause at the end of the day, no one matters except for you and your brother."

Dean forcefully stabs a needle in your neck. Your veins are starting to pop up against your skin. They're glowing blue and red now. Tears leak from your eyes as you fight against the pain. You see Dean leaving through your blurry vision. "Run away Dean, it's better for everyone" you yell at his retreating form.

******

The fourth time had Sam and Dean walk in together. You smirk as you watch them warily approach you. You were still breathing hard, sweat dripping down your face. Everytime your heart beat you felt fire coursing through your body. "You know you're just killing me right?"

Sam simply injects you with blood. You scream in pain as yet again you feel like you're burning from the inside out. You relax against your bonds as much as you could as weariness starts to take hold.

The next few rounds of blood left you weak. Your throat was ravaged and sore and all you could manage was weak groans. Your skin has long since stopped smoking as the boys took it as a good sign.

However, you were barely conscious anymore. Your breathing was labored constantly, sweat and blood mixed dripped to the floor around your chair. Your veins glowed harshly against your pallored skin.

After the tenth round, Sam and Dean were worried, you didn't move, didn't groan or even flinch at the needle going into your skin. You work at bringing your head off your chest. You were weak, coming in and out of consciousness, barely able to spend the necessary energy on breathing. "Kill me," you barely whisper.

Sam comes by your chair and kneels, "Y/N just a little longer you can do this."

"No, Sam, just kill me. Get it over with. You aren't going to cure me. You're just torturing me for hours on end til I die. Please, if you ever loved me, just kill me."

Sam shakes his head, "I'm sorry, I can't."

You let out a huge breath and slump against your bonds. You slip back into unconsciousness.

*****

Sam and Dean never left the room. You could hear them shuffle around. They didn't talk, they were just there. The alarm goes off on Sam's phone for the next round. You groan at the thought of doing this again. Sam leaves to get another needle.

"I can't." You roughly breathe out. "Dean please, I can't. Just stop. Please, Dean, I'm dying just please," you beg.

Dean kneels in front of your chair places his hands on either side of your face, forcing you to look at him. He takes a look at your swollen face and still split lip. You watch as his expression softens. 

"Please Y/N just a little more. After this is over we'll take a long vacation. I'll cook for you and bring you coffee and beer. You can spend hours uninterrupted with a book or I'll drive out to the beach and let you lay in sun. I'll do anything you want. I'll even spend all day shopping with you if that's what you want."

You try to chuckle but end up coughing up blood. Dean grabs a rag and wipes your mouth off and your face. "I can't. I don't have in me."

"No you do. You're a Winchester whether you like it or not. Fight this, I know you can. Trust me, I know how hard it is. I've been here, please Y/N. We can't lose you too."

Sam comes back with a vial of blood and Cas. You look over at the angel. Cas stares in horror at you. You start pleading again. "No it's going to kill me. Please no, Dean. Dean I'm begging you, please."

Dean has tears in his eyes as he stands and moves away from you. You choke back a sob. Sam inserts the needle in your neck and just as the pain starts you black out again.

******

You wake to see Cas crouched beside you. 

"Oh thank god." Sam says from the table. He rushes over to you placing his hand on yours. 

You still feel the pain. It's intense and you look at Cas in confusion.

"You died on us." Cas states as unemotionally as he can.

You close your eyes. "It's not over?"

Sam rubs his thumb against the back of your hand. "We're close."

You open your eyes to Cas's blue ones. "So you're just going to keep on injecting me and bringing me back to life until this is done?"

Cas's poker face falls, "we don't have any other choice."

You openly sob. You were so weak, so tired, the pain didn't let up at all. "How many?"

"I don't know." Sam says as gently as he can.

"No, how many has it been now?"

Sam makes a face, "eighteen".

You look at Sam in horror. Eighteen hours you've sat in this chair and been in pain.

Dean pulls Cas aside. "What's going on? Shouldn't she be cured by now?"

"I don't know. It's taking a lot longer than I hoped. But I could feel it when I brought her back. I could feel her soul again. Sam's right, we're close Dean. We've almost got her back. She just needs to hold on."

"She doesn't have that time, look at her Cas. She died on us! How many more? Six? Seven?"

"Most likely."

Dean grabs Cas's arm, "she can't hold up against that? You're just going to let her die each time and bring her back to life long enough to let her die again?!"

Cas yanks his arm from Dean's grasp, "and what would you have me do instead?!" Cas looks over at your slumped form. "You're not the only one who cares about her Dean. This hurts all of us."

Dean lets out his anger in a sigh, "you're right."

You scream as best you could as Sam injects more blood. With your vocal chords torn it sounded more like a forced croak than anything. Cas sighs heavily and goes to revive you.

******

You pant against the burning in your chest. Sweat is just running off you in rivulets now. "Water", you whisper.

A cup with a straw appears before you and you greedily drink from it. It does nothing but wet your dry mouth. You're on fire, you can feel it. You could swear that if you opened your eyes you would see your body aflame. Every part of you hurt, you felt every open wound, every crick from sitting in one place too long.

An alarm sounds again. You force yourself to raise your head. Sam and Dean wake up to the sound as Cas pushes your hair back out of your face. You look at his tired, worried face. "It's ok Cas," you wearily say, "it's ok."

Cas's face lights up. "Sam hurry. It's almost done."

Dean grabs the needle instead, "it's ok, I've got it."

Sam looks completely wrecked, his face is gaunt and he's shaking. He's given too much blood. Looking at Dean he doesn't seem much better.

Dean draws out half the blood needed and hands the needle to Cas. Cas puts the needle in his neck and draws out his grace. Holding the needle towards you he takes a breath. "Last one."

You plead with your eyes not having the energy to do anything else. You tense against the pain you knew was coming. Cas stabs you with the needle and pushes the plunger down. Tears stream down your face and you groan as the needle empties. Once again the pain courses through you and as suddenly as it first came it stops.

You hesistantly open your eyes and they watch as the white slowly disappears leaving your normal eyes bloodshot. You blink trying to clear the tears and sweat from them. Dean grabs a rag and helps you out. "Y/N, talk to us kiddo."

You stare at Sam and Dean not trusting your voice. You look over at Cas. You watch as the colors dance around him. "I can see all your colors, Cas."

Cas immediately breaks all the ropes and chains tying you down. You fall forward when your bonds loosen and Cas catches you. You hear a broken sob as Cas cradles you in his arms. Sam and Dean crowd around the both of you.

"It's done?" Sam asks hopefully.

Cas nods, "yes, Sam, it's done."

The both of you are immediately smashed together by Sam and Dean. You hear that broken sob again and it takes a minute to figure out that sound was you. 

Cas presses his lips to your head. You feel your bones in your chest moving back together and the cuts and soreness leaving. 

All at once the memories of everything that happened come flooding in. Killing the souls in hell, the angel's grace that you took, that girl that was dying begging you to save her, almost killing Sam and Dean. All those nasty things you said to Cas, to all of them. All the guilt came flooding in. The sound that came out of your mouth was more akin to a wounded animal wailing than a human.

Cas presses you closer to him. "No not now. There's time for that later. We're all here together. We're alive. You need rest. Then you can deal with that."

Exhaustion was quickly seeping into your bones, "I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry." 

You hear the murmurs of their voices as you fall asleep.

*********

You slowly come awake. Fighting to stay asleep a bit longer you stubbornly keep your eyes shut. It wasn't happening though. Your stomach started growling with a vengeance and you push the covers angrily off of you. Slowly sitting up you look around confused. 'Oh right. Colorblind.'

You run your hand over your gray comforter and take a few minutes to let yourself adjust your room void of color. Looking down you see that someone has changed your clothes into shorts and a huge tshirt before you were laid in bed. Judging by the size, it seemed like Sam's. You shiver against the cold air as you go to leave your room. Grabbing the doorknob, you stop to see Dean's robe hanging from it. Smiling to yourself, you wrap it around you as best you could. The robe hung down to your calves.

Making your way down the hall you slow down as you hear sounds from the kitchen. 'Someone's up.' Delaying the inevitable, you make a pit stop at the bathroom. Running your hands through your hair you stare at yourself. Your hair hasn't been cut in quite some time and is considerably longer than you normally keep it. You decide you actually like it longer like this. The dark circles under your eyes were less prominent than you remember. Opening the robe you lift up Sam's shirt to see that you still had all the scars and tattoos there. 'Guess it's going to be a part of me forever.' Looking at your body, you look definitely more gaunt than normal. A little too much on the skinny side. At least you still had a bit of muscle from everything you've been through. Wrapping the robe back up you decide that you've wasted too much time already. As if on cue, your stomach lets out an enormous growl.

Opening the door you make your way to the kitchen. Dean's standing at the stove with his back turned towards you humming. You stand there watching him cook, not knowing what to say. Would he be happy to see you? How do you even start a conversation after everything that happened? So you kept standing there. Belatedly you realize that he's humming One by Metallica. It seems so normal. Him cooking breakfast humming along to a song in his head. After the last year, it seemed so jarring how domestic and peaceful this is.

Dean grabs his mug from the counter and turns to see you standing there watching him.

You panic. Your eyes widen and you drop your gaze. 'What do I say? What is there to say? I'm sorry I almost killed you and Sam? Sorry I shot you? Sorry I ran off? Where the fuck do I even start?'

You take a chance and look back up at him. You see the familiar blue, black, and gold swirl in his chest. Tears come to your eyes when you see the gold burst out from the center and overtake all the other colors. 

Dean quickly sets his mug down and grabs you harshly into a bone crushing hug. You let out a happy sob. You didn't care that he was hurting you. You could feel again. You could feel the desperation and joy from him. You cried against his shirt and threw you arms around his neck. "Dean...I...I'm so sorry. Thank you. You never gave up." You choked out between tears.

You could hear the unshed tears in Dean's voice as he spoke. "You realized you're grounded for eternity right? I'll kill you myself if you ever do something so stupid again." 

You let out a watery laugh and pressed a kiss to his scruffy cheek. There wasn't any heat in his words.

"Y/N?" Sam's voice came from behind you.

You unwrap yourself from Dean and turn to see Sam. You smile as you see the gold swirling on him as well. "Your hair's going to be as long as mine if you don't cut it soon Sam."

Dean points the spatula from the stove at Sam, "she's right. I'll even buy you all the rabbit food you want if you'll let me cut it."

Sam's slower about welcoming you back. He's hesistant. You can see it in his soul. "It's ok Sam. I'm ok."

You see the instant that he lets his doubts go. You jump into his arms and he catches you. "Sam I-"

"No" he says wrapping his arms tighter around you. "Apologies aren't needed."

"But I-"

"I said no," he states in the sternest voice he can muster.

You shake your head, "stubborn ass Winchesters. Going to be the death of me." You press your face into Sam's neck reveling in the fact that you can feel your emotions again. That the smell of Sam fills you with happiness.

Your stomach growls loudly killing the moment. Sam sets you back on your feet laughing. "Dean I think she's wants breakfast."

"On it," Dean says as he's chewing a piece of bacon.

You look around, "where's Cas?"

"Don't worry," Dean says, "I sent him to the store to get a few things. There wasn't any food in this damn place."

You shake your head as walk over to the stove. "What are you making?"

"Bacon, eggs, pancakes."

You sigh, you didn't want to be picky but you didn't want pancakes.

Dean lifts an eyebrow in question. You shake your head. "Come on Y/N, what?"

"It's just....I like waffles better."

Dean gasps and stares at you in horror. "You've lied to me. All these years." He quickly drops the act and smiles. "What else would you like?"

You blush, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't-"

"Nope. I promised you. Vacation. Anything you want."

You smile, "well if that's the case. Bacon, eggs, waffles, oh and fry up some hashbrowns maybe?" Your stomach growls again at the thought.

Dean laughs, "whatever you want kiddo". He pours you a cup of coffee. "Go sit and drink your coffee."

You take a sip and moan in delight. 'Oh tastebuds how I've missed you!'

Cas suddenly appears a few feet in front of you and you startle dropping your mug. Cas drops the grocery bags and catches the mug before it hits the ground. Setting it firmly on the counter he grabs your hands, "are you okay?" he asks almost desperately.

Confused you look at Cas's worried face, "I'm fine?"

"I heard you moan."

You smile and pat his hand, "coffee Cas. I was just drinking coffee and I liked it. I can taste again."

"I apologize for startling you. I thought you were hurt instead of enjoying something. Although they do sound much the same if my memory is correct."

You blush furiously as Dean curls his nose up at Cas and Sam chokes on his own coffee. "Cas, buddy, she's like my sister. Don't say shit like that."

You pull Cas into a hug. Whispering in his ear you tell him that you have a lot to talk with him about. Cas nods as you pull away. Your stomach gurgles again.

"Speaking of-" Dean says hearing your stomach, "Y/N wants waffles so run back and get a waffle iron. And some hashbrowns."

Cas disappears in an instant. "CAS!!" Dean yells into the air. Cas reappears again holding his hands out. Dean points to the bags. "You broke the eggs."

You look and see the eggs spilling out of the bag onto the floor. 

"Get more eggs too." Cas nods and leaves again.

You go to pick up the eggs but Dean shoo's you away.

You sit at the table with Sam. He's not on his laptop or looking at a newspaper. Seeing the questioning look, he answers "seriously. Vacation."

You smile hardly believing it.

Cas returns as you finish your first cup. He sets the bags on the counter, gently this time. "Dean I didn't know what hashbrowns you wanted so I bought one of each." Cas starts pulling the groceries out of bag.

You see Sam straighten and grab a small plastic bag out of one of the bags. Holding it up, you choke on your last sip of coffee. "Cas what is this?"

"Hash. At least that's what the guy said standing outside the store." He frowns at the bag. "I bought it just just in case but was wary that it isn't brown."

Dean turns to see the bag of weed that Sam's still holding up. He doubles over in laughter. "Cas. No." He blurts out through breaths. "Hash. Oh my god."

Cas turns to you confused. "You bought weed Cas. Marijuana."

Sam drops the bag on the table. "Technically hash is brown but this is just weed."

*****

Dean gets through breakfast while still laughing every now and then at Cas. You stuff yourself on the plethora of breakfast food. You don't know how much you ate but you knew that it was at least two plates full.

Taking a shower you start to get used to the idea of being normal again when the guilt hits you. You spend the rest of the day in Cas's arms crying off and on.

It takes you another few days and a lot of talking to all the boys before you finally start feeling better. It was hard but you vowed to never shut them out again so you spilled everything as soon as the thought crossed your mind. They were patient and caring and you couldn't thank them enough.

Cas practically lived at the bunker now. He gave up trying to find God and since you guys were on vacation he decided to stay. It was nice going to bed and waking up with him. 

By the fourth morning you woke alone and walked to kitchen groggily to get your coffee. Cas was already seated at the table looking perturbed. 

"What's wrong?"

Cas moves and you see a basket of muffins sitting on table. "These are for you."

You pull out the card and open it. 'Word has it that you're alive. Enjoy.' signed Crowley.

"I can't detect any poison or hexes. I think they're safe."

You unwrap the muffins and to your suprise they're still steaming. 

Cas looks grumpy. "He called me this morning. I was hesistant to meet him."

You chuckle and give Cas a hug. "That was nice of him."

You grab your coffee and happily bite into a blueberry muffin.

Cas studies you as you eat your breakfast. "I was under the impression that a vacation was meant for humans to travel to a tropical location."

"Not always. A vacation could mean that you just take a break from what you normally do."

"Would you like to go to a tropical location?" Cas asks as Dean and Sam walk into the room.

"Oh Cabo" Dean says dreamily.

Sam curls his nose, "too touristy."

"How about Vieques?"

"Where's that?" Dean asks.

"Close to Puerto Rico. It's small and not at all touristy. We can relax, eat at the local places. Last I heard they have no big chain restaurants and they have a bioluminescent bay."

Sam's eyes light up, "yeah let's go there."

"Fake us some passports Sam." You stop and look over at Cas. "And I'm taking you shopping. Maybe some board shorts."

"Wood shorts don't sound like an ideal article of clothing."

Dean sighs at Cas and grabs a cup of coffee for him and Sam. "We're going to go pack."

Cas looks back at you in consternation. "Do you want me to heal you?"

You smile gently and look at his blue eyes. You watch the colors dance across his face and the tips of his wings. "No. I'm ok. Really."

"Y/N-"

"Honestly. Some things are meant to be. Plus it seems like it only stays for a while."

"I don't mind." Cas says frowning.

You give him a gentle kiss. "I know. If I change my mind later you'll be the first to know. I'm sure that once I start picking out clothes and makeup again I'll mind."

"You don't need it."

You smirk, "the clothes or the makeup?"

"Either."

You laugh, "well I'm sure the boys would appreciate the clothes but thank you for the compliment."

********

Vieques was gorgeous. It was hot without being too unbearable. The locals were nice and Cas acted as interpreter. You didn't know why it suprised you so much that he could speak a different language but you had never thought about it. Honestly it made your heart flutter.

You spent most of the day giddy and glowing inside. Cas frowned as you got looks from locals at the tattoos and burn marks that were on full display between your two piece. He suggested getting a one piece like another lady was wearing but you brushed him off. Let them stare. Most of the looks were from jealousy anyway. Not really of you, but seeing both Winchesters and Cas shirtless was more than enough. Those two may be your brothers by heart, but that doesn't mean they weren't nice to look at. Eyeing Cas walking beside you, you feel your heart rate jump again. Seeing his hip bones move just above the top of his shorts that you bought him was enough to short circuit your brain. You sternly told yourself to get a grip before you started drooling.

Cas must've sensed your distressed and link his hand in yours. "I'm ok Cas. You're just insanely hot."

Sam started laughing and coughed to cover it up. Dean nudged his brother smiling as mimmicks your voice.

You didn't care. It was true. And by the faint blush across Cas's cheeks you would say it again.

You spent the rest of the day on the beach. All of you rented out a small beach cabin that had electricity for a small fridge and a couple of lights. Other than that there were no windows, just screens and a beautiful front balcony opening up to the beach. 

You stared in wonder at the bay that was glowing that night. Wrapped in a small blanket you stood at the edge of water looking at it glow around your feet. You felt Cas wrap his arms around you and all the sudden you saw the blue of the glowing water. You smile happily and lean back against him.

"I love you with all of my being, until the end of time, I will still continue loving you." 

You turn in Cas's arms. "I love you too Castiel."

Cas dips his head and gives you a sweet kiss full of emotion.

"Come on, I'm tired."

Cas smiles and walks with you back to the cabin where Sam and Dean are drinking and playing cards.

"Join us!" Sam yells only slightly buzzed. 

You laugh but decline. "It's been a long day."

"Oh come on kiddo, I need a challenge. Sammy's sucking ass."

Cas makes a disgusted face beside you and you squeeze his hand. "One round then I'm off to bed."

"There's my girl!" Dean leans over and reaches into the fridge and grabs a beer. "One round, one beer, then bed."

You shrug and sit at the table, "just one."

Cas kisses your cheek as he brings a seat up beside you. Dean starts dealing out the cards and the lights flicker. Sam looks around worried.

Dean waits a moment and shrugs when nothing happens. He tosses a card to you and the lights blow. 

You hear rather than see Dean slam his hands on the table. "Son of a bitch, I'm on vacation!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Misha's hip bones will be the death of me. It won't be such a bad way to go. Plus the guys need a vacation...that needs to be aired. I love that SPN isn't revolved around sex and their love lives but sometimes a shirtless scene is needed every now then. Come on! 
> 
> I wanted this to be kind of sappy but not tooth rotting sappy. And I needed it to end on a light note. It was pretty heavy throughout. You needed a break. SPN is heavy enough.
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me through this story. I honestly loved every moment and the feedback from you guys are amazing! 
> 
> I have no plans on what to do next. I do know that time will be even more crunched with my kiddos starting school again. I may employ your brains on ideas of what to write. If you want to send me some ideas, I'll more than welcome them.


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